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What are we each entitled to in our divorce settlement?

What does the law say about how to split the house, how to share pensions and other assets, and how much maintenance is payable.

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The four basic steps to reaching an agreement on divorce finances are: disclosure, getting advice, negotiating and implementing a Consent Order.

What is a Consent Order and why do we need one?

A Consent Order is a legally binding document that finalises a divorcing couple's agreement on property, pensions and other assets.


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is stbx playing a game

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30 May 12 #334205 by Crumpled
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hi my stbx says isnt sure about getting a divorce and wants until october to think about it ( he has been having a number of affairs and is now living in a rented flat but comes back to family home at the weekends even though i have asked him not to)

he has taken my visa card away and is giving me a monthly allowance when he started this he said he would increase it if i needed it
i have now asked him as it is not enough but he his digging his heels in and when he does give me more he always gives me cash even though i have asked him to pay it into my bank account.

i feel greedy as the amount he gives me is a lot of money compared to the average family expenditure but i do have high outgoings on things such as petrol 1000.00 a month doing school runs etc as we live in the middle of nowhere(i drive a mini so not a big frivolous car)
the amount he is giving me amounts to about 6% of his net income
sorry to beat around the bush but i am trying to live on what he is giving me we have three children who need to be fed clothed etc and i cant afford to buy these things for them on the allowance he gives me
if i try and live on this allowance will it go against me when it comes to applying for ancillary relief
i also dont know really where the october deadline for deciding comes in apart from the affairs he has always been a good man if you see what i mean but to be quite honest i do not recognise him anymore so im not certain whether he is playing some nasty game re finances......
i know he is playing an emotional game with me but to be quite honest i am getting tough to this now.i have the divorce papers ready to go but i just feel so sad even though i really know what i have to do ending a 30 year relationship........

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30 May 12 #334214 by yellowrose
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You definitely need to be applying for interim payments if what he is giving you is only 6% of his net income.

Also although you can''t change the locke, i was told by my solicitor that I could add extra locks which I did. he is a solicitor and lives with a solicitor who is on this site. they have never threatened to take me on over this (and they threaten me with all sorts of things) so maybe you could do the same and then he couldn''t get in.

Very best wishes

xxxxxxxxxxxxs

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30 May 12 #334227 by fairylandtime
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Have you see a sols? Is it possible that you have a policy or something that comes through in sept which he is trying to wait for & shave off any financial settlement - sorry but I am a cynical person.

Also on the CAS calculator is it not 25% of salary for 2 children (so more for 3). How on earth are you managing on 6% or does he get a humongous wage? Do you work, when filling In your financial info in it will in part be addressed by the amount you "need" so living on a lot less may have an implication (I am not sure).

Personally I cannot understand why if your Stbx wants it all to wait till oct, is it a control issue (over you) or financial or will he come back in a couple of months stating "I''m home now".

Only you can decide if it is really over for you & send in the paperwork, I would start by taking elements of control back, like the locks, sorting out his stuff, detatching yourself from him & not allowing him to control all aspects.

Good luck & stay strong

JJx

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30 May 12 #334230 by Crumpled
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hi fairy
the only thing i can think of re money is he gets his big drawings from his business in august but i dont think he could easily make that disappear ..but what i m thinking being maybe is he has done something with the drawings from last august which will fall off the date for form E as more than 12 months
he has promised me he isnt doing anything horrible but to be honest this doesnt hold much water as i dont really trust a word he says the trouble is with me as my eldest daughter says i cant see the bad in anybody when sometimes i should..........
i dont know whether he is confused or this is to suit him,,,if i am honest to myself though i dont think i can really ever forgive him even if he did say he wants to sort things out....my solicitor says he wants to have his cake and eat it ...
he does earn an obscene amount of money without being mean about him i think this is one of the main attractions to the other women........

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30 May 12 #334233 by fairylandtime
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Hi there

In a way now I usually see the bad in everything first & am cynical as I said - sometimes a bad thing, sometimes makes me seem cold & heartless but often right & have come to terms with it as a pragmatist now. I use to see the good & only the good, but then things happen & it changes your view.

You would be surprised how easy it is to "lose" money especially cash, it could be that last August''s money is a lot higher than this Aug will / could be, potentially it could be re-invested in something (anything) if your x is the controlling type then keeping hold of what he sees as "his" money might be the driver in the stalling.

A lot want their cake & eat it, & often they do not (or chose not) to see the hurt they inflict on others, their spouses & children especially. Like I say only you can decide if you want to send the papers in, & if you go against your x''s wishes to stall till Oct then things could get worse before getting better - Your call.

You have to do what is best for you & your children, if it were me I might say something along the lines of "perhaps I could wait till xx however, at the moment cannot manage on the £ you give & thererfore might need to go for an earlier divorce & settlement to ensure the children & I can live"
I would of course check the CSA website for the expected payment your x should pay against what he is doing & check if he should pay SM to you also so I have all the facts before I confronted him. .... Just a thought?

Having said all this it was my x who left me, did me a huge favor but I know at the time I wouldn''t have had the courage to do I & leave or ask him to leave. But am stronger now (more cynical lol) but stronger & getting there (she says until I take a giant leap backwards.)

JJx

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30 May 12 #334236 by Crumpled
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hi flt thanks i am getting there just really scared i think and also i know exactly what he will say if i do it before he wants to something along the lines of we could have got back together etc or he will get really angry and make life really difficult as he hasnt got his own way(he is very controlling wouldnt let me work etc as always came up with every excuse under the sun but now wants me to get a job asap,,,my solicitor said ..i bet he does and told me to tell him to p*** off...she is a bit of a rotweiler but in a good way....)
you are right though it is taking its toll on all of us so i need to be a good role model for my children so thats a reason i need to do this as well....
he has just thrown me probably a fake bone though as he has said he may have counselling on his own as agrees he needs to sort himself out...mind you we had couples counselling and the couples counsellor concluded he was just coming to tick a box and taking the p*** out of couples counselling so everything a complete and utter mess...i have the papers in an envelope ready to send so i think i am taking little baby steps forward
its just to be truthful i love him and probably always will we met at uni and it has been the two of us together ever since..and we had a really great marriage until this all kicked off...it is very extreme behaviour this is not a straightforward affair situation and all concerned counsellors/solicitor/family etc all think he is having some sort of breakdown but none of us can help hom because he cant stop(he also has a very addictive personality)....this is one of the reasons i think he comes home because one of the professionals we have seen said he regards me as his anchor it is almost like he has two personalities fighting it out for supremacy so super big mess....and i dont really want to abandon him but for mine and the childrens sanity i am going to have to...........sorry to pour all out

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31 May 12 #334241 by revenge
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Be careful, my husband was the nicest person I''ve known. He left over a year ago moved in with ow although said that''s not why he left the marriage. A. Long and happy marriage. He has a 5 figure monthly income has just decided he wants us to cut back on our spending as it will drasticly reduce what is in the pot for the final settlement. Mi found out recently he has transferred a 6 figure sum from our business account somewhere else. ( the business is actually his earnings). He had no need to do this as I can''t withdraw from that account anyway. Please look at his behaviour towards you now and trust your instincts. I love my husband with all my heart and I try to look at things from his side but he doesn''t do the same to me. Sort your finances ASAP my solicitor said the only way for the finances to be totally legally binding is with divorce. I don''t want a divorce but it''s the only way to sort finances before he hides it all elsewhere.

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