Financial Options

If you are both going to mediation though that is positive.

Would he be likely to agree to wait for his share of FMH for a period of time? Youngest is 9 but there is quite a big gap between youngest and older two.

Would there be enough money to house you once children have left and FMH is sold?

This is a difficult situation, as realistically you cant afford to maintain the FMH and there is a reasonable amount of equity £135k.

I think a court would say that the house should be sold and a more affordable property purchased. I think your ex would be expected to pay sm to cover cost of new mortgage and in return your ex would get a charge on the new property.

Are the pension both money purchase or final salary? I think these will be equalised as you are of similar ages.

WYSPECIAL wrote:

Would he be likely to agree to wait for his share of FMH for a period of time? Youngest is 9 but there is quite a big gap between youngest and older two.

I honestly don’t know. He flip flops, between “yes you can stay in the house with the children, until they leave” to “well the children are already hurt so it doesn’t really matter how much more by selling the house.” to “ You should move out and the children stay in FMH with me, I can afford it. You can visit them at weekends”.
He knows I''d never abandon the children.

Would there be enough money to house you once children have left and FMH is sold?

My salary and whatever equity came from the eventual sale I think would be adequate to live in a rental apartment, perhaps two bed, in case any of the kids wanted to stay over. I fully understand that with my salary and age buying is not an option.
At this moment in time, if this was just between him and me I’d move into a bedsit in a heart beat.


MathisFun wrote:

This is a difficult situation, as realistically you cant afford to maintain the FMH and there is a reasonable amount of equity £135k.

I think a court would say that the house should be sold and a more affordable property purchased. I think your ex would be expected to pay sm to cover cost of new mortgage and in return your ex would get a charge on the new property.

Sorry I don’t understand what ‘Get a charge on new property’ means.

Are the pension both money purchase or final salary? I think these will be equalised as you are of similar ages.

I have 3 pensions which combined have a CETV of 50k, I don’t know what types. His one is Final salary, according to the mediator. (All jargon to me, I’m afraid.) What does equalised mean?

My oldest starts his GCSE year in September, my second the following year. With so much upheaval in their life that I’m causing, selling thier home too, is one step too much.
I thought there was a way out, but as he earns the higher income, it appears he has the final say, and however much I hate my life, I won''t leave the children.

Thank you kindly for your help.

Aria

He does not have the final say, just because he has the higher salary.

If you have been the children''s main carer to date you have a good chance of staying in that position. You should not take seriously his suggestion that you move out and visit the children at weekends.

What people are basically saying here is that he should not have to have only a tiny share of the marital assets just so that you can stay in the house with the children. So there are a number of options:

1. you sell the house, buy somewhere smaller for you and the children and somewhere smaller for him, which is also big enough for him to have the children to stay overnight. He might well have to pay you spouse maintenance in order to cover your mortgage, but possibly you could have all the equity in your current home to keep the mortgage costs down.

2. Leave you in the family home until the youngest leaves school/university, at which point the house is sold and you get something approximating to equal shares. This is how a Mesher order works but apparently they are less common these days.

3. Trade off his share of the house equity against some or all of his pension which is a good one and worth far more than yours. Again, he might have to pay you spouse maintenance for a few years so you could carry on paying the mortgage in the short term. In the longer term you would be expected to find ways of improving your earning capacity.

Or variations on any of these.

Best wishes,
Sadie

It''s quite a common part of the chaos of separating for a spouse to flip from one idea to the next.

I think the frequency of Mesher orders is relative. There was a time when they were quite common but by the early years of the millennium they were quite unusual. Since then difficulties with the economy means more often a Mesher is the only way to keep a roof over the heads of children.

Mesher types of arrangements can be problematic in that they tie couples to together in property and by the time the youngest child reaches 18 or finishes uni the ex-spouses have difficulties rehousing because they are too old to qualify for the usual mortgage of 25 years. For that reason Meshers are only really appropriate when there is no other way to provide children with adequate housing.

Even though your need would be for a four bedroomed property it might be necessary to downsize to a smaller or less expensive 4 bedroomed property to release equity to enable both spouses to rehouse.

Reading between the lines am I right in thinking that you want the divorce whereas your stbx would prefer to remain married or do you both want to divorce?

If you both want a divorce then it will probably be a case of sorting out the finances to suit all of you including the children.

However if one of you doesnt really want to divorce and is being forced by the other party then it becomes more of a battle and sometimes in this case it ends up in court and the court has to decide what is in the best interest of the children but also what is fair to both parties.

Thank you all for your advise and help.

There is alot to think about.

I finally found the courage from somewhere to end this misery, but only by finding a way with the least impact to the children. I had hoped the mesher was the solution.

Working at a local school, around the children allows me to be there for them. An added benefit is that I really enjoy my job.
I left my career, to bring up the children for 13yrs, hence money has always been tight. My parents helped when we moved, and gave me alot of money towards the extention we built. Future earning potential, needs more thought.

Yes, Mathsisfun, he doesn''t want a divorce. He''s happy to continue living as two strangers in the same house. His online gaming addiction and reclusive nature see''s no problem with it.

Thank you

Aria