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What are we each entitled to in our divorce settlement?

What does the law say about how to split the house, how to share pensions and other assets, and how much maintenance is payable.

What steps can we take to reach a fair agreement?

The four basic steps to reaching an agreement on divorce finances are: disclosure, getting advice, negotiating and implementing a Consent Order.

What is a Consent Order and why do we need one?

A Consent Order is a legally binding document that finalises a divorcing couple's agreement on property, pensions and other assets.


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Liabilities and SM

  • MrsMathsisfun
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20 Apr 12 #325373 by MrsMathsisfun
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I think actually that

Somuch is stating that she would have £2400 after covering her fixed costs

I really cant understand why somuch is getting so much grief.

All he has been asking is whether he will be able to get a share of the equity for a deposit.

Yes the house will have to sold its too expensive now let alone when they are divorced.

Yes he understands that his ex contribution to the marriage is equal to his.

Yes he understands that his pension will have to be split 50/50.

He has never said that he wont pay sm. He pays a large amount of cm and will have to potentially for the next 10yrs.

What he is angry and upset about is that he will be expected to continue to support his ex wife after the children have left home, when she is still relatively young and has 20+ years before she will retire.

  • sillywoman
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20 Apr 12 #325385 by sillywoman
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Let me play devils advocate here.

He promised when he took the marriage vows, but so did she.

However, she stayed at home to care for the kids and house whilst he advanced his career and thus earns a huge salary. He left early in the morning and returned late at night.

So his wife saw to the majority of the childcare.

Somuch was not happy in that marriage, however instead of leaving his wife, living separately whilst perhaps trying to iron out any problems, he took it upon himself to have an affair. The attention he will have naturally given the affair gave him some respite from his unhappy marriage. So as well as working long hours, some of his respite hours which he could have spent with his family, he chose to spend pleasing himself and forming a relationship with another woman, who he now declares he loves.

So one can see why the wife may indeed be bitter, particularly as she does not have a new lover to give her thrills and potentially share in the costs of day to day living. She has not worked for at least 19 years and is basically being told by her husband she now has to work.

Naturally this is going to get her back up, who wouldn''t in this situation? Her husband has been gone less than a year and apart from her emotional feelings she now has the house and kids to deal with alone. AND being told she must work more hours.

It is all too quick. Emotions take a long time to deal with, divorce is a rotten business especially as the residential parent dealing with your own as well as your childrens fears and feelings.

My suggestion is to slow it all down. This all seems rush rush rush and even though Somuch is happy in his new relationship, he is not happy not seeing his children and his wife is in my opition going to use any amunition she can to make him suffer.

My ex hates me with a vengeance, really really hates me. And he is taking it out on our kids, the problem is that now the kids dont give a monkies about him, so his anger towards me knowing full well that it would hurt me if he didn''t see the kids, I wrote and phoned and cried for my kids, but now, sadly for the kids they have seen him in his true light and wouldnt care if they never saw him again.

Hatred towards someone is eventually received with indifference.

  • redwine47
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20 Apr 12 #325393 by redwine47
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I have read your threads with interest.

Can I share my experience. I am the wife who decided could not continue with my marriage. My stbx worked non stop (apparently to provide for us )o the point I had two children with emotional problems due to his frustrations re work pressure. We would have preferred to have gone with less to have more of his time but honestly I think he preferred to do what he was doing work... travel trips social networking.

So I left my job to ensure children got the support reqd of a mum.

I then found myself separated, unemployed with 2 children with emotional problems due to fathers frustrations taken out on them although he seems oblivious to this. Paying as little as possible, demanding I get a job etc etc? I retrained and got a job which entailed lengthy travel unsociable hours. But I was glad to be back at work again. Unfortunately come school holidays etc I struggled leaving younger child at home alone even though father gets all school holidays himself he was not willing to cover children as he needed time for himself! I juggled early morns school hols etc with no help from him.

My child spent his own birthday at home until I got back from work when we had a small celebration as my mum had recently died.

One year on my contract has finished I''m still daily applying for jobs in have reasonable qualifications but nothing so far but will continue.

In meantime my past week being a mum consisted of the following : 1 x child. age 12 returns. From wkend with father.. vomiting and a bag of dirty clothing and no homework completed. Duly put to bed wee pet, put wash on, got sick bucket medicine etc. Up most of nite, little sleep. Child feels bit better in morning so take him to school... Get call whilst visiting elderly father to collect child from school. Bring home do all of above again. Child goes to school nxt day... Returns requiring continuation of exam revision for following day, homework overdue... Have to build a volcano and paint for following Monday and has to go to his dad''s for wkend........!

Inbetween older son in year wk placement from uni, struggling emotionally and under pressure at work just broken up with girl friend of 2 Years & needs moral support. Mum required again.

I haven''t even started on the fact my dad is heartbroken and I haven''t had time to grieve for my mum. Oh my... I''m not at work at the moment thank god.

Mums work is never done and maybe just maybe if dads cld swap roles for a week or two they would realise what we give up to support others.

So Much : you definitely need to learn there is more to life than money. It is important but so. are the children you both created and I hope you get sorted soon?

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20 Apr 12 #325404 by sillywoman
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I know where you are coming from! My youngest (16) is about to take her GCSEs and I am constantly "havinng a go at her to revise"; middle home from uni for Easter holidays, but hates uni and so we are in constant chats about how to make things better; third finishing uni this year, needs to discuss jobs, interviews etc with mum!

And of course there is the usual boy problems!

Middly had severe glandular fever last year and I slept on the floor next to her for 5 days getting very little sleep as she was in so much pain. She wanted to see her dad, oldest phoned him and he said "she''ll get better"! and didn''t visit.

Its constant being a mum, or at least the residential parent and with the non residential parent punishing the mum (me) for divorcing him, by not bothering with the girls and actually doing cruel thinngs to them, is actually only affecting him now because they have been so let down by him they don''t ask anymore.

Hopefully I have shown the girls strength and having been unemployed I have had to sell lots of my possessions on ebay to ensure the girls had all they needed.

Tough but no greater job and money providing there is enough is no substitute for the love of your children.

  • somuch2know2
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21 Apr 12 #325455 by somuch2know2
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Thank you Mathsisfun that is exactly what I am saying.
I have no counter as she has not come back so it''s only ideas of what might be

Also 600 spare is not a lot to be left with nor is it even near parity eith what she would have.

The cost of running a house of 4 does not equate to the cost of one adult x 4. That is daft as there a certain economies of scale that can be put in place.

We survived as a family of 5 on a disposable income less than what she will get now. Yes cm will eventually stop ... In 12 years and no she doesn''t need to work but my sole purpose is not for her financial benefit.

Im very composed and professional so happy to lay out my argument to a judge. Either way resolve will be had.

Funny how everyone tells ME not to focus on money, yet it seems to be EVERYONEs main goal.

Exhausted too.

  • alasiri
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25 Apr 12 #326524 by alasiri
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Ok, my expeirence may help you as the figures in my case were similar to yours.

My ex net salary: 6.5k
Mine:3.4k
Both work ft.
I am 41, he''s 42.
10 years of marriage

One child, 7, lives with me.

let''s forget about the asset split (I got 65% of the flat on account, among other things, of a flat I owned prior to marriage and I sold and put money into ours. My pension is slightly better, we each kept ours)

I got (on mutual agreement) CM of 1k (CSA figures) and 1k of SM until I am 58 or he leaves tertiary education, updated by RPI.

My ex has 4.5k after this

I have 5.5
but 1.5 of that is for our child if we take the 15% of net income rule.

So we end up with a roughly similar standard of living, which is what we are both entitled to.

I could live on less, but so could he.

In the light of this, your aspirations do not sound realistic.

Thanks
Ana

  • MrsMathsisfun
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25 Apr 12 #326536 by MrsMathsisfun
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Sorry have to disagree with Alasiri

Somuch is proposing figures that would mean that after fixed costs he would have £600 disposable income per month and after his ex pays all the bills, housing cost etc would have £2400 disposable income per month.

How is that unrealistic?

The ex in this situation would only be working 12hrs a week and have an income of £42k a year.

I would love a job that pays that rate per hour.

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