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What are we each entitled to in our divorce settlement?

What does the law say about how to split the house, how to share pensions and other assets, and how much maintenance is payable.

What steps can we take to reach a fair agreement?

The four basic steps to reaching an agreement on divorce finances are: disclosure, getting advice, negotiating and implementing a Consent Order.

What is a Consent Order and why do we need one?

A Consent Order is a legally binding document that finalises a divorcing couple's agreement on property, pensions and other assets.


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How child maintenance is spent/not being spent?

  • WhiteRose
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01 Aug 12 #346681 by WhiteRose
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Kids grow out of clothes so quickly, so it may not be worth spending heaps on clothes to keep at your house for them.

Supermarkets and Primark have a great range of cheap clothes, I also have local charity shops that stock very decent kiddies clothes from 25p upwards (have just bought my daughter a John Rocha dress that looks like new for 25p! :)) Also you don''t feel so cross if the clothes get trashed when they play out.

My friend gives her step kids some money and goes to the local car boot on Sunday morning, they get loads of toys and clothes etc.

There is no way you can dictate to a PWC what the CM gets spent on, so the thing you need to change is your attitude to it.

If you remain angry/frustrated there is nothing you can do and you just end up ratty, or you can do as suggested and get a cheap stock of clothes they can wear when they are with you and you don''t get so riled.

Try not to get wound up by these things, Exs use various tactics to ''get'' at their ex and for your childrens sake you just need to figure a way round it, so contact weekends aren''t stressy.

  • hawaythelads
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01 Aug 12 #346690 by hawaythelads
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Definately don''t get carried away.
3 outfits is all you need.
I always ended up buying too much mainly for fortnights holiday each year and it does just sit in the drawers never worn and then it''s too small.
My 12 year old daughter 15 year old son now just bring clothes for the weekend with them as they know what they want to wear.
So believe me it don''t last long.
All these issues surrounding the gameplaying with kids are very short lived as they grow up so quick.Once they hit their teens the control freak nutter mummy types come well and truly undone because the kids know what they are and don''t tolerate it.
All the best
HRH x

  • u6c00
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01 Aug 12 #346693 by u6c00
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Good advice Haway.

I foolishly went out and bought 2 pairs of Clark''s shoes (one pair of trainers, one pair of shoes). Outgrown 3 weeks later, barely 3 uses out of each.

Still, kept the box and sold them on eBay, Clark''s shoes in good nick sell well :)

Now I go to Clark''s, get him measured and then direct my credit card to Tesco or Primarni.

  • mumtoboys
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01 Aug 12 #346700 by mumtoboys
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is it me, or does this not quite add up?

lovely happy children who wear shoes that make their feet blister alongside their dirty and torn too small clothes?

are we debating who''s the better parent, how maintenance money should be spent or are we concerned about the welfare of children?

are the children concerned being cared for appropriately? is mum managing? is she well? depressed? not coping? has something happened in her life? has she got financial problems? or does she just not give a damn? more to the point, what is dad doing about it?

clothing is contentious. I send my children in their worst clothing to their dads for a whole host of reasons: he has a retention issue for starters; has a habit of sending short sleeves in winter and long sleeves in summer; doesn''t respect or has no eye for (if I give him the benefit of the doubt!) what is decent and should be taken off or covered before indulging in painting/felt tips/rolling in 3ft of mud....no doubt he thinks the children look like tramps some days but frankly, if he wants them to look decent, it can come out of his pocket (and he doesn''t pay any maintenance so I am perfectly justified in saying that, I think) but more importantly, he would be happier to b*tch about me on forums rather than actually ask me why I send them in less than their best. I have better things to be worrying about at handover than to feel I have to explain today''s clothing choice or to ask politely if he''d mind not taking a mud bath in them.....

there is usually more than one side to every story. Assuming it''s about money or manipulation or control doesn''t forge harmonimous relationships between adults. And if children have blistered feet, there is a bigger issue here, surely?

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01 Aug 12 #346710 by u6c00
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mumtoboys wrote:

are we debating who''s the better parent, how maintenance money should be spent or are we concerned about the welfare of children?


The conversation ought to be about the welfare of the child, however talking about that achieves nothing (extremely saddening to say)

I made another post in which I ranted about how my son arrived to me dirty, in clothes too small and absolutely stinking (cooking smells, they fry all their food so the house smells of burnt grease, and therefore so does my son).

In essence the debate concluded that it''s an unacceptable state of affairs and there''s feck all you can do about it (thanks to Haway for teaching me that expression).

There may absolutely be welfare issues, for example any one of the things you mentioned in your post, but no one in any position with power to change things gives a damn. It''s too trivial for them to get concerned about. Unless there''s evidence of the children suffering significant harm, no one will do anything. Never mind the fact that the children might suffer problems with their feet, or other long-term problems in later life.

On the plus side, my ex sent my son (3 years old) for contact in a jumper that was 12-18 months. It was so small I had to cut him out of it with a pair of scissors and returned it to her like that. Surprisingly he''s been wearing clothes that fit every time since. Still stinks though (in more ways than one!)

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01 Aug 12 #346715 by mumtoboys
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I agree there''s little to be done (unless there is far more to it) but the response should be different, surely, if there is genuine concern for the children''s welfare?

I guess what I''m saying (without meaning to open a can of worms) is are we debating the various perspectives about how we manage clothing where parents are separated (which makes it about money/who''s the better parent) which therefore requires a response along the lines of not buying extra clothes, sending the children back in the clothes they were sent in....or.....if mum is genuinely leaving the children in shoes that are several sizes too small every day, the response needs to be different, doesn''t it? If you need to go to Socail Services at some point and/or the school shows concern, the first thing that''s going to be said is ''well, he was more than happy to send the child back in the shoes so they can''t have been a problem, can they?''.

  • hawaythelads
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01 Aug 12 #346718 by hawaythelads
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Yes m2b we will steer the op in the direction of social services over too small shoes and all hear the laughter as they tell the Dad well there''s nothing illegal about that.
And if they do approach the mother ensure that she pulls contact from him seeing his kids at all because she''s so affronted.
That''ll work blinding.
All the best
HRH xx

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