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What are we each entitled to in our divorce settlement?

What does the law say about how to split the house, how to share pensions and other assets, and how much maintenance is payable.

What steps can we take to reach a fair agreement?

The four basic steps to reaching an agreement on divorce finances are: disclosure, getting advice, negotiating and implementing a Consent Order.

What is a Consent Order and why do we need one?

A Consent Order is a legally binding document that finalises a divorcing couple's agreement on property, pensions and other assets.


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How child maintenance is spent/not being spent?

  • hattiedaw
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04 Aug 12 #347244 by hattiedaw
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I''ve read this with a very wry smile on my face.
Been through it with my friend (who is indeed a very good mum).
Insults about parenting and who is better are so so common at separation.
My friends ex used to question EVERY item of clothing the children were sent in. He said Tesco trainers (which were the right size ) were not suitable for the children and also took them to clarks to have their feet measured (my friend insists on clarkes school shoes) and found out that the little girl had grown half a size (perfectly normal inbetween new pairs). Because she had grown half a size he took her home from a contact visit minus shoes...fair enough some may say but it wasnt as he didnt replace the shoes with ones that fitted! The poor child had to miss school the following morning and mum had to take an unpaid 2 hours from work as new shoes had to be bought.
So, it''s ok for some NRP''s to complain but do they actually do anything about it? No.
My friends ex also had the gall to phone the HV to say that the childrens feet were being damaged. The HV asked him how much maintenance he was paying (she knew all about his bullying tactics). He said £5 a week (despite being obviously wealthy - another story) and so she said "that''s nothing towards the upkeep of 2 children Mr XXX. Could I ask you if you''d rather your children went to bed at night with full tummies in a warm bedroom or whether they had new clarkes shoes every 3 months?". It shut him up! She also asked that why, if he was so concerned he didnt replace the shoes and told him (as friend KNEW he''d phone HV to report her latest abuse (!) and so HV knew the story from my friend before Dad phoned) that in future if he was dissatisfied with anything the children were wearing that perhaps he''d like to get his wallet out and buy them things they needed.
My friend now buys the children a new outfit and shoes for each (infrequent) visit. It''s put paid to the clothing drama and accusations but costs her more than she can afford...although the children always look pristine.
So, you NRP''s...yes you may pay CM but if you have PROPER REAL concerns about little feet being damaged or jumpers having to be cut off etc then for gods sake replace the items...or if you''re not prepared to do that that shut up about it!
This is about control, not about the kids isnt it?
Sorry if I''ve offended.

  • twilight1
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04 Aug 12 #347369 by twilight1
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sorry to hear that this happens as well, i know there are 2 sides to every story and people do things in situation like these which they probably would never even had considered beforehand. In our situation as an example the CM is not the minimum £5 but a fairly reasonable amount (we know others may have a lot less CM and more kids to look after which makes you wonder how they manage) this amount could very easily accommodate shoes or new trousers but I think for us this is all about the whole perception of how poor they may be X years down the line but this may change one day if/when they have better things to do with their own lives than have to keep up the show of it all at kids expense, we would love to always replace everything but over the years we are in debt up to our ears trying to maintain as much contact as possible with kids (after RP decided to move literally to the other end of the country) and pay all our bills, CM and other expenses, we both work hard to do this and we just about manage, but paying out each time kids are dressed in things that wont fit or be any good is just not an option each time, every now and again maybe but we cant dig ourselves into even more debt to spend money which NRP has already contributed and always paid.

  • loveourmum
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07 Aug 12 #348021 by loveourmum
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WR

However I do not like the word ''immaculate'' - I do think children are children - not catalogue models and clothing should be ''appropriate''.



The word "immaculate" means spotlessly clean!

It is used to describe many situations/circumstances! It also happens to be a colloquialism although it may not always appear in "formal writing!"

However I will not take offence to your use of: " I had parents who changed me into my ''playing out'' clothes or ''best'' clothes whenever the situation was appropriate."

How nice for you although this thread is about single parents providing for their child/ren!

Given that I am a product of a "broken home" from "a long time ago" - there is no need to be pedantic!

As I also quoted Hawaythelads who made an extremely valid point - I note you made no reference to that!

No need to reply - I am now a grandmother who does need you to nitpick!

  • WhiteRose
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08 Aug 12 #348063 by WhiteRose
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loveourmum wrote:

WR

However I do not like the word ''immaculate'' - I do think children are children - not catalogue models and clothing should be ''appropriate''.



The word "immaculate" means spotlessly clean!

It is used to describe many situations/circumstances! It also happens to be a colloquialism although it may not always appear in "formal writing!"

However I will not take offence to your use of: " I had parents who changed me into my ''playing out'' clothes or ''best'' clothes whenever the situation was appropriate."

How nice for you although this thread is about single parents providing for their child/ren!

Given that I am a product of a "broken home" from "a long time ago" - there is no need to be pedantic!

As I also quoted Hawaythelads who made an extremely valid point - I note you made no reference to that!

No need to reply - I am now a grandmother who does need you to nitpick!


loveourmum - My intention was not to be antagonistic, nor was it intended to upset.

Another poster stated she sent the kids for contact in clothes she didn''t mind them ruining, because the NRP father didn''t think to change them before partaking in a messy activity. My clumsy point was that although children may not have been ''immaculate'' they were still can be appropriately dressed.

No-one should feel guilt or shame if their kids aren''t spotless (but appropriately dressed), they should however feel guilty if they are clothing their children in clothing 3, 4, 5 years/sizes younger. If its too small they can''t get it on, or so tight it needs to be cut off.

Yes, both my parents were together as I was growing up, but my reference that I had parents was not to offend you (or anyone) either and anyway - just because a parent is absent - they are still a parent and still should be responsible for ensuring appropriate clothing is worn.

All too often tit-for-tat games are played in separation and divorce, its a very common tactic to send kids in clothing that is not fit for purpose in an attempt to prompt the other parent to buy some clothes. The debate in this post has been that perhaps there is a bigger issue - that the PWC is truly having difficulties.

Either way the kids are being sent in clothes that should have been sent to charity shop/recycled or just chucked out some time ago.

My initial advice to the OP was to kit the kids out in inexpensive clothes to keep at their house for contact visits.

I''m truly not an antagonistic person, and I do not want to offend and I apologise as I clearly have hit a nerve. But we seem to be of the similar opinion (I wrote that I agreed with your first paragraph) bar the use of one word. I wasn''t nitpicking or being pedantic, honest!

WR x

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09 Aug 12 #348324 by loveourmum
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Thank you WhiteRose for your reply. I am not offended just saddened that in this day and age parents are still "playing games" with their children. We live in the 21st Century where buying clothes is easier to come by as opposed to when both my siblings and I went through this "nightmare."

Fortunately my late mother was a "lady" of her time" who could make a "silk purse out of a sows ear!"

All too often tit-for-tat games are played in separation and divorce, its a very common tactic to send kids in clothing that is not fit for purpose in an attempt to prompt the other parent to buy some clothes. The debate in this post has been that perhaps there is a bigger issue - that the PWC is truly having difficulties.

I wholeheartedly agree with you. When one parent is truly struggling whilst on the other hand the other parent is deliberately sending their child/ren back to the mother/father in what is deemed less than "immaculate" is utterly appalling!

That is both unacceptable and, more importantly, unforgivable. As I previously stated the only people who suffer are the children - How dare anyone treat their children in such a disrespectful way in order to "get at the other parent!" Shame on those responsible.

These children have to live, meet their peers, their families, friends... Looking less than their best!

No this is not acceptable. What do these children feel like on "non-uniform day?" What do feel like on family occasions? What do they feel like meeting their friends at social time?

To any parent who is reading this and feels compelled to avoid paying/buying their children clothes, shoes or whatever - always remember there will come a time in your lives when you will need these children to look after you!

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