Separated, but she''s living in my house - my right

OK, she seems to have the entirely unreasonable attitude that access to your child is "pay per view".

So you have 2 choices. You can either capitulate to this (in which case it will continue indefinitely) or you can say "no".

This is not a situation that you can maintain indefinitely so there is some point in the future that you will have no choice but to say "no". When that day comes your access probably will be heavily restricted until the dust settles. But this is just a phase that you will have to go through at some point, like it or not. This is entirely the reason that fathers dress as Batman and break into Buckingham Palace, or hang off a motorway bridge over the M1. You might as well go through this phase on your own terms, now, rather than at an arbitrary point in the future where you will have a lot less control over the situation.

You could also try getting in contact with Families Need Fathers, who deal with this kind of thing on a daily basis.

I think it''s important to remember separating spouses may threaten all sorts of things out of anger, but anger is often a secondary emotion to more primary feelings of uncertainty, hurt and fear. Your wife has been dependent on you and she probably now feels financially uncertain. By asking her to leave the former matrimonial home without the child her position is threatened so you have unwittingly provoked a retaliation with the only thing your wife feels she has any power over, your contact with the child.

A negative cycle of provocation and retaliation is the stuff that results in high conflict divorces and the detrimental effects on children are well documented. Rather than jump on the bandwagon my suggestion would be to try mediation to go through the financial and contact arrangements in the hope that after a few sessions the situation can be defused, communication improved and constructive progress made more quickly and cheaply. You have enjoyed a good level of contact and there is no guarantee that can be restored by going to court.

Life doesn''t always work as you may think and that applies equally to your wife as it does to you.

At the tender age of 23 she needs to realise that a child and a marriage does not give her the right to free board and lodging for the rest of her life.

She has rights to occupation but so do you - the old adage that possession is 9/10th of the law holds true.

However, as pointed out £20,000 potential equity in the house is not a lot and add costs of sale, the time it may take (and the market is still in decline) all the costs of fighting in legal bills (what is the point in getting into expensive legal bills when there is really no finance to split) - well charter for disaster and the divorce could take years to come through.

I think I would write her a reasoned letter, pointing out that legal aid has to be repaid, that you see a sensible resolution of you moving back into the house as the mortgage is in your sole name and you do not believe it appropriate that you support her housing needs from your income for the rest of the mortgage term, that you both need housing to accomodate you and your child and that the outcome you desire is that she moves into her own accommodation, either rented or buying and make a contribution to your daughters financial as well as emotional needs.

If she fails to co-operate by response or in mediation get into court - you can only offer mediation but if the other party fails to agree or only messes around during the process it just protracts matters and causes endless delay.

My ex refused mediation which just about sums him up and he also used his children stating that he was making a regular saving into their own accounts - he was not, he also used our youngest son stating that he needed his own childrens capital savings (which I had solely organised out of my money) and that they had trust funds (which were actually small trustee savings accounts which I had set up out of the joint marriage bank account).

Devious and abusive people just get worse and worse - I suppose this is a warning of what might be ahead and why you need now to keep a level head.

I would say with the seeing the kid thing.I always used reverse psychology.I never acted bothered one iota about seeing them.consequentl after 5 months of living at my folks to take stock she was throwing them at me to have every other weekend off.you never show your weakness to an enemy they will beat you with it every time.
Best to crack on with the divorce and get all this sorted so u both know where you stand.
Cheers
Pete xx

This may be naive, but I wasn''t aware that legal aid had to be paid back, and I don''t think my ex does either as she seems to go running to her solicitor at every opportunity.

I have written to her solicitor previously suggesting that she source alternative accommodation within three months and I will then resume living in the property with a view to selling and splitting the money as is to be agreed in the divorce settlement. I also noted that should this not happen, I simply cannot continue with the monthly mortgage payments and would ask for her contribtion towards this. I am awaiting a response.

Obviously, I know her attitude is because she is bitter at how things have worked out and the fact that she knows my requests re the property are reasonable and to be honest, I think she thinks if she stays she still has a ''hold'' on me type attitude.

But in all honesty, without her contribution I am going to lose the house - I have missed two payments already and discussed with mortgage company who have reduced my next two vastly until we''ve sorted out our finances, but realistically if nothing has been resolved by then, I face repossession and she faces less money from the divorce settlement.

Also, I have an ounce of good news - I refused to adhere to her demands about contact arrangements and she has been in touch today to ''check'' I am still going to have my daughter overnight on Saturday as in our previous agreement as she had made plans weeks ago!

Thanks for everyone''s advice on that - really appreciated

Just one point about legal aid. When someone gets or keeps hold of money or property in court proceedings they are expected to repay legal aid (called the ‘statutory charge.’) In children proceedings there is no money or property involved so there is no statutory charge.

CheapDivorce wrote:

my requests re the property are reasonable

Hmm really? I would not necessarily agree with you on that. You cannot force her to move out. She has rights.

It is not reasonable that you continually bankroll her for the rest of her life.

But it is also not reasonable for you to force her onto the streets within 3 months so that you can move back in and sell the house. I very much doubt that a court would take your side on this.

Also, I have an ounce of good news - I refused to adhere to her demands about contact arrangements and she has been in touch today to ''check'' I am still going to have my daughter overnight on Saturday as in our previous agreement as she had made plans weeks ago!

Excellent! You called her bluff and it worked, nice one. Now hopefully she will realize her blackmail will not work any longer.