Separated, but she''s living in my house - my right

Right what you are dealing with here is a class 1 *****. You are totally right to say that finances are separate from contact. She is completely evil for what she said.

So what is your choice? Cripple yourself financially in an unsustainable financial position forever? Or tell her:

"I can''t afford to keep paying the mortgage. That is not a choice I am making just to spite you, it is a fact. I have my own bills to pay. I am not making you or our child homeless. If you want to withhold contact because of that then that is your decision and there is nothing I can do about it. I do not believe that withholding contact is in the child''s best interests but if you disagree then as you say, I cannot afford to fight it in court. I would like to carry on the contact I am currently having but as holder of 2 X chromosomes, if you choose change those arrangements then there is nothing I can do. You have all the choice here. I have none."

In most cases it does settle down once the dust form the divorce has settled. But this can take a long time. Right now she is a big bag of emotion and you are not going to win, whatever you do. She holds all the cards so the only thing you can do is fold, and keep your chances good for the next hand.

Hopefully there is a lot of life to live for both of you in the future.

Maybe I am an optimist but I see it a different way around from the blokes who have been shafted in divorce such as Cookie and haway (I am a female who has had a bad experience and I have a disabled son now adult who is dependent upon me for the rest of his life).

The mortgage is in your sole name so if your wife is allowed to stay there then until it is sold you will never have financial freedom (Clean Break) as a possibility.

In this day of equality and bearing in mind the shortness of the marriage (expect you wish you never did it now she wouldn''t have had the rights she has aquired if you hadn''t).

Having said that it is a very short marriage and if you read marital causes act it doesn''t say that co-habitation is the same as marriage.

If she is threatening you keep all the letters. Quite right as legal aid has to be paid back.

What is the equity approx in the house and what are your ages?

soulruler wrote:

blokes who have been shafted in divorce such as Cookie

Just in the interests of clarity I wasn''t shafted in divorce, well I mean it wasn''t exactly a walk in the park, but I was fairly happy with the outcome. I harbour no ill will or hatred towards my ex and I don''t consider myself to be bitter about it. That does not mean I haven''t changed from it, I do have a take no sh!t attitude and maybe that seems to come across as bitterness, but really it isn''t, it''s just assertiveness.

This woman is being an evil bitch and I don''t think anyone even the women here would disagree. Children should not be used as pawns in divorce, or tools for financial negotiation/blackmail.

She really is making my life a living hell - today she said I can pick our daughter up from dancing next week as I would usually, she then added that the bill was due (have to pay minimum of three months) and that I should pick up that tab to make up for the fact that I''m kicking her out on the street.

I mean, I''m torn because I desperately want to pick her up and see her but the bill is 120! Plus her outfit needs collecting that day with shoes, another 40! when I said I would pay, but it needed to be in writing that this was going to be deducted from my monthly maintenance bill, she told me to f off and forget seeing her, she offered me an opportunity and if I can''t even be bothered to pay the goddam money then (again) see you in court!

Makes me so mad, this is a woman I''ve supported for four years while she hasn''t worked and then continued to support her and my daughter, married her because I thought it was the right thing to do (what a fool) and now she treats me like this!

Also I''m not sure how much equity is in the house, it''s worth around £95,000 and so far I''ve paid around £20,000 into it ... I am 25 and she is 23 do fairly young. Yes we do have a lot to live for if she would treat me fairly we could get arrangements in place so we wouldn''t have to go through court.

I have also been attempting to complete the divorce form tonight - if I say I file for divorce on grounds of her unreasonable behaviour does she have to accept that ? As shes said previously she will revoke everything I suggest in the divorce and ensure I''m ''taken to the cleaners''.

The stupid woman doesn''t realise that if she does that I''ll have no option but for the house to be repossessed (I''ve already reduced mortgage payments on a short term cool down period and still cannot afford everything) so if this is the case she will lose out too! If she would just agree to pay the mortgage or sell the house then she will be in a better position too!

Sounds like there isn''t a lot of equity in the house, £20k at most by the sounds or is that the total money you have paid including interest?

Kids are not on a pay per view basis so stop paying anything that you don''t have to. It might be hard and might seem like it means you see your daughter less but like Cookie says you can''t give in to a blackmailer. If you do her learnt behaviour will be to do it more. It''s £120 for dancing this time, what will it be next? STOP!

I''m no expert, just starting the prossess myself but for what it''s worth I''d call her bluff

Like pp''s have said, you have to stop paying for all sorts, or you will be tied to her for the next 15 odd years, possibly longer depending on how easily influenced your daughter turns out to be.

Call her bluff now though, I can imagine how hard that would be with the possibility of not seeing your daughter, but if you lay out the facts to her, hopefully it''ll only be one visit for her to go to the solisitor for her to see she doesn''t have a leg to stand on. Tell her legal aid is a loan, not a grant, what ever bills she racks up through arguing in court over contact, defending the divorce and finances she will have to pay back once the cases are over. Make sure she is clear on this, as I keep having solisitors tell me I can get legal aid and NEVER do they mention the fact I will have to pay it back after, so it''s quite possible she doesn''t know. Then tell her the judge will give you contact without question, you might have to fight for it, but you will get it. But also say that if it goes through courts, you will go for shared residence 50/50 split, which would mean she is entitled to less csa, as the csa calculator takes money off when the NPR has the child more than one night a week. This might just be your bluff, but it might work as your wife sounds like a money grabbing b**** so if you it her where it hurts in the wallet, she might realise she is better off negotiating contact than risking it going to court, having to share residency and then loosing out on csa payments.

Finally, if she does see it through to court, you can self rep. There are lots of great people on here giving advise, and lots of people who have self repped successfully. In the long term, it could cost you less to go to court self repping, than to continue paying for your wife''s every wim.