I am trying to come at it with an open mind or it won't work. However, I will only be able to do that if we actually get an appointment, let alone turn up at the same time and manage to sit in the same room. I would like to think we won't have to abandon and that this represents an opportunity to move things forward, but somehow I doubt it!
the mediator we had previously chosen is well thought of locally - both solicitors agreed to her - although she is horribly expensive (£210 per hour plus VAT!!!!!). However, This is the same I am paying the solicitor and I am fairly sure his solicitor costs even more (fancy practise, city centre based....) so per hour, it would work out well for both of us if we can come to some agreement fairly quickly.
Of course, if he'd continued at Relate at £40 an hour, we might have reached agreements way before now!!!!
At those rates it sounds as though you have got a solicitor/mediator working for you. So you will find you are paying solicitor's rates (as well as paying for the solicitors you seem to have in the background).
At least you have only one sol'r/med, rather than two sol'rs in the foreground - so it might work out a bit cheaper.
If you are using such an expensive service, it is vital that you both tunr up - or you'll be wasting lots of money, but I'm sure I don't need to tell you that.
Of course, there are cheaper alternatives, but ditto.
Well, we did 3 1/2 hours of mediation yesterday. I would say it went reasonably well although was very emotional for me - he just doesn't care about anything that has happened, only himself. It is my stuff, I recognise, that, but I need him to care about what he had done to me and the impact this has on the children. I was impressed by the mediator's skills, he didn't get away with anything although it did feel as though he got more of an opportunity to talk than I did. In her summing up, she came down 100% on my 'side', made him backtrack a few times and told him what she thought of him in terms of the way he had been with the children - able to quote a ton of statistics at him at the potential damage done. All done in a very reasonable, non-confrontational way - some messages he needed to hear which when I have said them have fallen on deaf ears.
The proof, as they say, however, is in the pudding. A second appointment has not been made (he 'had to leave for a meeting but would be in touch') and he has promised to do a lot of stuff financially which I doubt he will follow through with. He has not, in 6 months, given me a penny and he made little suggestion yesterday that he intended to change this. We'll see.
Well, it's a start. It might be an idea to get the mediator to call him and get a date in the diary for the next meeting.
If your husband has not paid you anything, he probably has no desire to move things on - the sooner things are settled, the sooner he will have to start parting with money. So, try to keep reasonably momentum going.
I am a trained mediator (not family) and the rule of thumb for us guys is that both parties have to be agreeable to entering into the process in the first place. I see case after case where a party just does not want to be ther and inevitably no agreement is reached. In such cases it can make situations worse. My stbx wanted to go to mediation. I agreed at first but after months of aggression and bullying my barrister told the court that I would not even be willing to be in the same room. I think mediation is great and works well SOME OF THE TIME!!!! I have incurred far higher bills because of my refusal but I stand by my decision. My concern is that with you being pregnant you may agree to something that you later regret??? No offence but I know pregnancy brain cells!!! Could you possibly defer any decision until well after the baby is born? It is so difficult to advise as every case is different. I feel for you. Let me know what youd ecide and if you have nay other general questions about the process. Good luck x
Thanks Hanging on in There, somehow I missed your post but have picked it up today.
I will be making no decisions at all for the time being - I am aware I am not as 'with it' as I might be, very tried, emotionally drained of everything and struggling to get though at this point (baby is now very, very heavy and still quite a time to go!). I just want to sleep!
We have a second mediation appointment booked for beginning of July. In the meantime, my mortgage (the one on the marital home) is unpaid for 3 months, and his mortgage (previously a rental property he now lives in with his girlfriend - denies co-habiting - no one other than him is fooled!) is unpaid for 2 months and a loan (taken out on the rental property which had a ton of equity to fund the deposit for the family home) is also unpaid for 2 months. He can, however, go abroad on holiday with his girlfriend for two weeks and have a hot tub installed in the back garden (home improvements!!!).
On a more positive note, he has contacted the CSA with his income details but has been assessed soooo low it is pointless from my point of view! I am gathering evidence for a variation as he takes dividend payments from the company which he is now denying.
He has received a couple more CCJs, not turned up in court for them, one now has a penal notice attached to it if he doesn't turn up in July to provide details of his income/expenditure. I am fairly sure this will result in a short stay at her majesty's pleasure - he never reads anything to do with his debts so can't imagine he realises what it all means. It might be the wake up call he needs. You never know.
I have shifted an awful lot from an emotional point of view of late. I am no longer interested in anything other than the divorce and sorting the finances. The baby will throw in a new dimension to 'negoitations', but until he actually arrives, not much to be done. I have told the mediator that if he refuses to knuckle down and discuss these issues at length with timescales for action which are actually actioned, I will not be attending again. So we'll see.