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Mediation but she won't move

  • gettingadjusted
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24 Jul 09 #133646 by gettingadjusted
Topic started by gettingadjusted
Well

Had the first mediation session this week and just wanted to post my thoughts on this forum.

First part of it all seemed a bit of a waste in that much of it was checking to see whether we were eligible for legal aid or not (she is - I'm not) then we went into see her individually I got asked a load of questions about whether I had ever been accused of being abusive, drinking, etc. all about me not her! Felt almost immediately that it was questioning me being a decent human being. But I kept calm. She managed to have one or two crying sessions (I was going to put a bet on that)

By the end of the session (it was about three hours) we had really focused on several key issues these being
1 communication (or lack of)
2 pick up of the children
3 equity left in the house

In terms of communication I think that there are issues and I will try and resolve these however my main gripe was that the mediator in terms of pick up of children and equity left in the house was saying that I was being completely reasonable and that the stbx should at least try out the suggestions, however all I got was a no and I dont think I am being unreasonable. In terms of equity share again it was all her way or not at all and again there was no movement.

Finally therefore I got to the end of the meeting and thought bloody hell this is just going to go round in circles I do not see why i should have to do everything she says anymore. We then got down to the "homework" section I was asked to bring in bank accounts and so was she, I said that I wanted all of her bank accounts and that was when it started to get wrong, eventually she left (I did not raise my voice or swear or anything) but it left me thinking what is the point? Is she just only going to accept what she wants and ignore what I or others suggest as being reasonable. If she does this just seems to be going one way and that is court and really it is not worth it (we are talking a difference of a split of equity between £3.5k and £11k)

Your thoughts welcome!

  • Shezi
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24 Jul 09 #133658 by Shezi
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Hi gettingadjusted

Unfortunately, your experience is a pretty common human attitude. How long since you split? She sounds as though she hasn't moved on from there really and may well still be in denial about the whole process. Some people simply have a very idealistic view of outcome in a situation like this. Given your description of her attitude, though, I would bet that she is feeling threatened right now. This is a point at which we have an opportunity to use the information we have learned about our partner, in order to negotiate. It seems really sad that far too often people 'abuse / misuse' the information instead and so agreement becomes impossible. The courts are full of cases where people do this and then spend most of their equity on legal fees.

If it's only a short period since you separated, she may move. If not, try to 'reach' her in seeing the bigger picture. If you cannot agree through mediation, it will probably go to court. Can you try to put an assessment on how much that would realistically cost you? That might help persuade her that her share of zero is still zero?

Good luck

Shezi

  • gettingadjusted
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24 Jul 09 #133665 by gettingadjusted
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Hi Shezi

We separated in Nov 2007. She has moved on in terms of having a new relationship (well she had that whilst we were still together lol) she just doesn't want to accept that she needs to move and that for me is the negotiating part of mediation.

I can just see this all going through court, tbh Im really getting fed up with the situation and was hoping that she would listen to the mediator but alas no!

  • moodybird
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24 Jul 09 #133667 by moodybird
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Some people just see mediation as a way of getting what they want and refuse to look at it from the other's point of view. Unfortunately this sounds like the situation here.

If a mediator thinks you are being reasonable, then what have you got to lose by taking it to court (or at least issuing proceedings) on a self-repping basis? You can always agree to continue mediation in the meantime but then the clock is ticking so you're not wasting any time and she has more of an 'incentive' to be reasonable if she's otherwise faced with stressful and possibly costly court proceedings.

I know, I know, court is meant to be last option and isn't good for relations all round, but some people just want things all their own way and won't ever be reasonable. Depends how much you want the things you're arguing over, really.

Good luck!

  • gettingadjusted
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24 Jul 09 #133672 by gettingadjusted
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moodybird wrote:

If a mediator thinks you are being reasonable, then what have you got to lose by taking it to court (or at least issuing proceedings) on a self-repping basis?


That's what Im thinking at the moment, I was always going to self - rep and going to mediation is actually costing me money as Im not entitled to legal aid.

I just want this to all be over with really but I think that she is going to make my life hell with this rubbish until the children are old enough to ignore her

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24 Jul 09 #133681 by Shezi
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I agree - if she's already in another relationship then she has clearly 'moved on!' Is she still in that? If so, she'll be getting conflicting interest advice (she might be getting that anyway). I also agree with MB, people often see mediation as a way of getting what they believe they're entitled to - even when told not!

In your situation, I would also be tempted to cut my losses. It's just really sad that when a partner says they want a divorce, sometimes they just mean they want us gone... and continue with the same standard of life.

Good luck

Shezi

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24 Jul 09 #133684 by moodybird
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Bit harder to judge on the financials as there always seems to be a huge range of what's reasonable/might be awarded by a judge, but if she's not even willing to try different options on pick ups of the children then I'd see that as a pretty big indicator that she's not going to be compromising on anything.

I'd stick that point in a letter to her and say that if she's not prepared to compromise at all then you have no option but to issue proceedings (again, only if the points are important enough to you that you can't walk away!) and will not be wasting any more time on mediation.

I'm guessing that not only are these sessions expensive, but stressful and frustrating as well? Sounds to me like you could do without going through all that if she's not even trying to be reasonable.

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