A well respected, award winning social enterprise
Volunteer run - Government and charity funded
We help 50,000 people a year through divorce

01202 805020

Lines open: Monday to Friday 9am-5pm
Call for FREE expert advice & service info


What are we each entitled to in our divorce settlement?

What does the law say about how to split the house, how to share pensions and other assets, and how much maintenance is payable.

What steps can we take to reach a fair agreement?

The four basic steps to reaching an agreement on divorce finances are: disclosure, getting advice, negotiating and implementing a Consent Order.

What is a Consent Order and why do we need one?

A Consent Order is a legally binding document that finalises a divorcing couple's agreement on property, pensions and other assets.


Do you need help sorting out a fair financial settlement?

Our consultant service offers expert advice and support to help you reach agreement on a fair financial settlement quickly, and for less than a quarter of the cost of using a traditional high street solicitor.


First mediation session - nightmare!

  • escaped
  • escaped's Avatar Posted by
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
More
16 Aug 09 #139054 by escaped
Topic started by escaped
My stbx decided to use it as an arena for his self pity - his first bombshell was to enlighten me that he'd taken an overdose on the night I left and that my new partner knew about it, he sez we left him to die - what a load of piffle. However this has troubled me for the last two days - why wait 5 months to make an announcement like that in a mediation session.

He was so stubborn, vindictive and awkward about everything that at times the mediator shook her head. He's been offered weekend contact but then when he has our daughter he gets his mum and sister in to babysit overnight while he goes out 20 miles away on the pee and appears 17 hours later. The mediator told him that he needed to work his priorities out whether his social life was more important than his daughter.

He pulled a piece of paper out that was written 3 years ago and tried using it as evidence that I didn't like his family, unfortunately for him, I knew he'd found this piece of paper a few months ago because it wasn't amongst other stuff in an envelope he gave me out of the same drawer - so I was waiting for it's appearance - just didn't expect it to appear when it did. His face was a picture when I said 'oh, I wondered where that was, you found it then, and what are you going to do with it' he said it was evidence, I said no, it's a record of my feelings and it wasn't sent or intended for anyone. The mediator never said a word. Sometimes I wonder how they keep their faces straight but I guess they've seen it all before.

Not a lot of good came out of the session, because he used it so stupidly. We just went round in circles and he let himself down, he played right into my hands.

My question - what sort of things does the mediator write in their report? Do they state how each party behaved, appeared, presented their case or is it just an outline of what, if anything, was agreed.

What a farce - it cost us both £145

escaped - and won't be going back
x

  • Shimmer
  • Shimmer's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
More
16 Aug 09 #139065 by Shimmer
Reply from Shimmer
Never have been through the mediation experience and no doubt others that have will post, but as far as I'm aware, it's all about the money, how it can be divided fairly and not emotions and who did what to whom. From what I've read and been told, mediators are trained to steer the conversation back to those specific matters and don't get involved in the whys or wherefores. It's not a 'character reference' thing.

Perhaps your stbx needs to get counselling to come to terms with the end of the marriage, that would be a more appropriate place for his expression of grief and might make it better all round for all concerned? Best of luck.

  • JackieH
  • JackieH's Avatar
  • Elite Member
  • Elite Member
More
23 Aug 09 #140721 by JackieH
Reply from JackieH
My husband refused to go unless I paid and he earns three and a half times what I earn and has girlfriend's 2nd income! I couldn't believe they had the nerve to pass that message on to me!
That was the end of that.

  • escaped
  • escaped's Avatar Posted by
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
More
23 Aug 09 #140773 by escaped
Reply from escaped
The only positive that came out of our mediation was that at least someone (the mediator) could cut through all the emotions and pick out some positives for us to work on.

The finance side is yet to come, however, if one partner is much stronger than the other, more direct, and only wants what they want, how does that leave the other party? I found myself agreeing to things on the 'child contact' issues that I'm not 100% really happy with, but put on the spot what do you do? There's no time to think, but I'll be more careful where the finance side is concerned.

The whole divorce thing is so messy, no wonder people stay together for a quiet, unhappy, miserable life - that's what I did.
x

  • mary1788
  • mary1788's Avatar
  • Senior Member
  • Senior Member
More
08 Sep 09 #144773 by mary1788
Reply from mary1788
escaped wrote:

The only positive that came out of our mediation was that at least someone (the mediator) could cut through all the emotions and pick out some positives for us to work on.

The finance side is yet to come, however, if one partner is much stronger than the other, more direct, and only wants what they want, how does that leave the other party? I found myself agreeing to things on the 'child contact' issues that I'm not 100% really happy with, but put on the spot what do you do? There's no time to think, but I'll be more careful where the finance side is concerned.

The whole divorce thing is so messy, no wonder people stay together for a quiet, unhappy, miserable life - that's what I did.
x


This worries me also, i have first mediation tomorrow, but on my own, he has been told to keep away from me by police, do we really have to have next mediation sessions together?, he has been divorced before and has better understanding and stronger character than myself, and yes I stayed 10 yrs unhappy and miserable because it was easier than going through all this.

  • colours
  • colours's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
More
08 Sep 09 #144837 by colours
Reply from colours
mediation can of course be on anything - to save a marriage, or to sort contact, finances and the mediator should focus on the objective. However, say if someone is being belligerent on finances, maybe the reason is contact issues. Of course it could just be personality which the mediator has to overcome.

I think if the two positions are very far apart, mediation may not be successful. Also i think the parties must want it to be a success.

But worth a try first before the lawyers.

Though I am not qualified to speak as ex always refused it.

  • JackieH
  • JackieH's Avatar
  • Elite Member
  • Elite Member
More
08 Sep 09 #144847 by JackieH
Reply from JackieH
You do not have to have mediation sesions together. They do have a 'shuttle' service which means that you are in separate rooms and the mediator goes between the rooms.
The down side is that it inevitably takes longer so you have to pay for more hours and therefore costs more.
I could only have done mediation this way as cannot see ex, bad enough being in the same building!
However he refused unless the total cost came out of the money he paid for his share of the mortgage.
Hope it all works out!Mine has after 2 years I heard good news today!

Moderators: wikivorce teamrubytuesdaydukeyhadenoughnowTetsSheziLinda SheridanForsetiMitchumWhiteRoseLostboy67WYSPECIALBubblegum11