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1st Joint Mediation Meeting

  • Lookto2012
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31 Dec 09 #172483 by Lookto2012
Topic started by Lookto2012
I have this morning survived round one of a character assasination at the hands of my soon to be ex during 1st mediation meeting to discuss residence and contact. While I was completely fair re the above ( actually I thought I was very generous considering it was his long term infidelity that caused the split) and kept emphasising the welfare of the children my ex used it to wallow in self pity, told the mediator how hard working and honest he was and make completely unfounded accusations about my parenting skills. When asked what concerns he had about joint decision making with big issues he waffled on about whether the children should be allowed mobile phones or TV's in their bedrooms - I was thinking schooling, health, diet , contact with strangers etc!!! By the end of the meeting I was quite happy with the outcome re agreement for contact but fail to see why I should have to tolerate this 'abuse' during the meeting. If it starts again at the next meeting I may well tell him to forget it and sort out finances , property etc through the courts.

  • BreakupAngelsKirsten
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04 Jan 10 #173381 by BreakupAngelsKirsten
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Well done on surviving the session. And great that you're happy with the outcome.

You shouldn't have to tolerate abuse in the session - can you have a word with the mediator in advance of the next session and express your concerns amd how you feel? They should be able to step in if they agree.

But what I'm going to write here may not be easy:

Can you see your ex's abuse and behaviour for who he is - and aim to try to reduce the emotional triggers? Tell yourself repeatedly that you have the kid's best interests at heart whatever he says. You really must believe this else his abuse is likely to upset you and derail the process.

It sounds like he is trying to score some cheap points to make himself look good at your expense - THIS IS WHO HE IS. You have already mentioned his cheating - again, that is part of who he is but if you are coming from a place of blame,you will be unable to fully empower yourself.

I really do suggest you stay with the mediation esp. as you have a result you were pleased with. Going to court might look like an attractive alternative to sorting out the arrangements, but you only have to read the posts here on Wiki from those in court (esp. those with angry exs) to realise that no-one wins in court. Few people achieve a satisfactory settlement, and that's even before you consider the impact on kids, finances and future parenting relationships.

Hope this helps :unsure:

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04 Jan 10 #173396 by rasher
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I do get why you feel the way you do - but its very up close and personal for you right now and so doubly painful. The mediator has to hear some of the context to understand what they are working with. If you can, try and step back a bit. On one level he has somewhat shown himself up implying things like mobile phone and TV ownership were deal breakers for the realtionship or evidence of poor parenting.

When we are in the midst of a very difficult split, the last thing you want to do is sit in a clinical setting and pull it all apart. But as hard as that is to do it is also very helpful for both parties to lay to rest the positions that each holds (and you may not change his nor he yours) so you can hear it but make decisions related to the arrangements. What you can achieve in a few sessions of face to face mediation would take alot longer and potentially far more painful in a drawn out exchange of legal letters and court appearances. Thats without even going to the issue of expense.

I would encourage you to stick with it as best as you can - you already say the agreements reached are satisfactory and if you hope to be really out of this by 2011 I would say you are in the right place.

If you dont get all the way to the end - the level of agreements you do achieve will hopefully be the basis for the next stage if thats where you have to go.

All the best with it.

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04 Jan 10 #173431 by Lookto2012
Reply from Lookto2012
Thank you both so much for your advice and support. I will continue with mediation as I feel it is the best way for me to get what I need so our children have a secure future. I am getting stronger each day and as next meeting isn't for another 2 weeks hopefully I won't be as emotional and will be able to be more assertive. It has only been 7 weeks since I discovered his infidelity although I had suspicions for 18mths so I shouldn't expect miracles with regards to my emotional health!

  • BreakupAngelsKirsten
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04 Jan 10 #173441 by BreakupAngelsKirsten
Reply from BreakupAngelsKirsten
Great stuff! And don't forget to post back if you have any concerns before the next session - or to tell us how it went!

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