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Cancelled session

  • Lookto2012
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17 Jan 10 #177202 by Lookto2012
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I have had to cancel my mediation sessions as I cannot represnt myself due to my emotional state and no longer tolerate being in the same room as my STBX as since my last posting he has been verbally threatening especially since I discovered proof of hotel rooms where he has been shacked up with his married mistress when he was away on 'business'. This is in a town 20mins drive from our house. She has also apparently had a recent miscarriage.Her husband I believe is still not aware of their affair of 15 months. He has also said he has asked her to leave her husband and when they are together he will apply for residence of our children. He has been intimidating me into provisionally agreeing financial stuff before the planned mediation meeting and as a result of this I haven't slept for 4 nights again!!! My 5 & 6 yr old children had to ring my sister yesterday as I couldn't function - this situation is not fair on them. The less I see him the better I feel and function and myself and the children are much happier but then I see him again and I'm back to square 1. The contact arrangements aren't working as when he comes to the house I have to lock myself in my bedroom so he can't intimidate me.( We are now 2 months on from my original discovery ). He sees them every weekend, overnight alternate Saturdays and Weds evening every week at the MH. I will not go to my GP for further help as he found out I had been for sleeping tablets at the time of the original discovery ( via his mother ) and threatened to use this in court against me. At the end of the day all I need is for my children to be with me as much as possible legally, finances to cover basics of life - housing , food etc and for me to have as little contact with him as possible. What do I do????????

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17 Jan 10 #177205 by Ursa Major
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Lookto

You are a mother, you have supported your children through illnesses, arranged nursery and schooling for them, been their sole carer whilst your husband was away on "business" and since he left. You were your own person before you met him and will be again - you can do this and be a stronger person as a result so hang on in there (and it's fine to lean on your sister a bit too, that's what sisters are for)

1. Speak to a solicitor about an occupation order for your home, lots of sols do a free half hour consultation and they can advise. Obviously this will mean HE will have to make alternative contact arrangements, but as his mother appears to live nearby that may be an option.
2. HOW did his mother know what medication you were on? If she works at the surgery/ pharmacy she is in breach of her contract by disclosing this info - decide if you want her on your side or not and then either speak to her or her boss depending on what suits your circumstances.
3.

all I need is for my children to be with me as much as possible legally

Bit worried by this one, just because he has hurt you by having an affair and is trying to control your divorce by bullying you doesn't mean he shoulod only see his children as little as possible legally. He might be a complete shit but he is still their Dad (unless he bullies them too, of course).

This might sound bizarre but you need to focus on what made you YOU before you married this man. It seems quite common that the partner who is "left" often feels their spouse has sucked all the life and energy out of them and it is all too much to cope with. Set yourself one or two goals a day that are in addition to the basic breathing, school run, childcare and after a few days you will see quite a list of acheivements. Give your mind and body a chace - eat properly esp fruit and veg, get a yoga video, have a bubble bath etc. You are entitled to a life too.

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17 Jan 10 #177280 by Lookto2012
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The YOU I used to be met this *******d when she was 17 and has spent the last 24 years as a faithful, honest and hardworking generous partner, lover, wife and mother. He had a personality change when he met the other woman who ofcourse has been a figment of my imagination !!! None of our friends have stood by him as they all felt he has been treating me badly for the last year.I have not changed the contact arrangements but I cannot have direct contact with him as it is making me unwell physically and psychologically and I look after myself to be there to support my darling children. He has tainted all the love we have shared over the years and now my memories feel like they were all a lie. I have asked his parents to act as the middle man for contact as I cannot have him near me as he is evil and any more hurt will tip me over the edge!!!

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01 Feb 10 #181876 by WhiteRose
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It sounds like you had alot of things already agreed, including his contact with the kids, what was the mediation for that you had to cancel?

If you don't feel like you can be in the same room as him, sometimes they offer different rooms.

It sounds like you are going through a very tough time at the moment, but honestly its better to agree via mediation than drag everything through a very expensive solicitor/court process.

If you feel emotionally unable to cope with any type of mediation at the moment, is it possible to leave things for a while for you to get yourself together. It sounds like a spiraling situation, if your ex is pushing because things aren't being sorted out and things aren't being sorted out because you don't want to see him/be in the same room as him - its a catch22.

Have you spoken to the mediation service directly to see what they are bale to do to help?

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