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What are we each entitled to in our divorce settlement?

What does the law say about how to split the house, how to share pensions and other assets, and how much maintenance is payable.

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Does mediation work?

  • jxr
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06 Apr 10 #196307 by jxr
Topic started by jxr
I've noticed there aren't many post in the "mediation" section of the forum, which makes me think not many people actually use it. Or maybe it's that good that no-one needs to ask many questions about it! :)

Things are not exactly friendly between me and tbx, but we both want to get things sorted as amicably (and cheaply!) as possible, so mediation seems like a good idea on the surface. The main thing we'll need to sort out are the finances. They're not hugely complicated, but i know i'm not going to like sorting them out - i have everything to lose and not much to gain! Tbx left FMH 9 months ago and she has been living with a relative since, although she does have OM. She only works part time. I'm still in fmh with 2 'kids' (16 and 19) and work full time. In order to see her financially secure, the sale of the house is pretty much inevitable, so things are only going to get worse for me :(but i realise we do need to get things sorted.
Anyway, (back on topic!) my questions are- is mediation likely to help, and how much is it likely to cost? (I earn apprx 40k, wife 5k)
Any thoughts much appreciated

  • Elle
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06 Apr 10 #196314 by Elle
Reply from Elle

I have read several posts where mediation has worked and others where it has failed. Communication and willingness appears to be the keys. The costs have varied from £100 a session upwards. Hope this helps whilst you await replies.


  • musicmad
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06 Apr 10 #196317 by musicmad
Reply from musicmad
JXR - mediation will only work if both sides want it to and you both have something to loose if it doesn't.

I went to 13 mediation sessions (over double what the apparent normal amount is) and whilst we were close to an agreement which was reasonably fair, the solicitors are now firing off letters to each other.

mediation is all right and good, but if one party goes to a solicitor and is told things like she should expect to be paid maintenance until she dies then she's hardly likely to agree to something fair. I also had to pay £145 a session whilst she paid zero, and so beware if that's the case for you.

  • Teepee
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06 Apr 10 #196326 by Teepee
Reply from Teepee
I'll agree with Musicmad there, my ex agreed to mediation, as long as I paid for it (her part as well) and when there wouldnt budge from "Thats what my solicitor told me I would get" despite the mediator saying "I think thats just a bit one sided". She wasnt interested in what the mediator had in mind, she had her plan and wasnt deviating from it at all, that was clear to the mediator, who after four sessions said there wasnt anything more they could do for us.

I guess it works for some but for me it was just a waste of time (and money)

Just my personal experience!

  • mike62
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06 Apr 10 #196346 by mike62
Reply from mike62
Agree totally with musicmad. It only has value if both parties are committed to it.

In my own experience, I think we went too early and were both too raw from the split. They cynic in me says that the stbx went to get a tick in the box on her legal aid form.

Managed 3 sessions before we hit a brick wall when she wouldn't admit to taking money out of our business, which was well documented. Managed to sort a few things, but not all.

You might do well to read this thread:



  • jxr
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06 Apr 10 #196470 by jxr
Reply from jxr
Thanks all. Interesting thread Mike- lots to think about there, not all of it what I was hoping to hear :blink:
The general impression I get is that co-operation is paramount, and if either party digs their heels in or refuses to listen and/or budge, then mediation is doomed.
Despite the number of negative opinions of mediation, i'm still tempted to think it might work for me. I am not "at war" with tbx and she isn't going for the jugular (at the moment!!) and I like to think that we could get things resolved in a civilised manner! Then again, i didn't think she would ever run off with someone else, so maybe i'm just naive!
As I mentioned, we really only need to sort out the finances/house and there are no hidden piles of money to fight over, so think we might just give it a go. Fingers crossed!

  • fluffy76
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06 Apr 10 #196475 by fluffy76
Reply from fluffy76
I agree that mediation is the way to go. I had Legal Aid initially so I had to go to mediation.
I sat in the waiting room when stbx walked in and we started arguing. The mediator came downstairs and we continued arguing and then stbx walked out after 10 mins. Needless to say we went on to go all the way to final hearing. The poor mediator, I felt sorry for her!

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