I have realised that by giving my husband a second chance after adultery I have lost my grounds for a quick divorce and we will have to separate first. He's still seeing his girlfriend but I can't prove anything and am not sure that there is further adultery to prove. It's the intensity of the emotions that I can't cope with; I cannot go on living in the same house while he's sneaking around playing at star crossed lovers.
So one or the other of us has to leave the house, which means sorting out money matters, and he's now hinting that he won't go even if I try to buy him out and that he won't consent to the sale of the house and a cash split. Should we be going down the mediation line now? Is there anything to mediate if he's going to be stubborn?
If I move out and get a mortgage to buy somewhere else it would be a struggle and prevent me from having enough resources to buy him out as and when he came to his senses; it would also close off the option of paying him maintenance; plus he does not have a sufficiently high income to pay all the bills, unless he could somehow get exempted from council tax and even then it would be a strain - unless the girlfriend moves in of course, which would leave me spitting but that's an emotional reaction rather than a logical one. I am trying hard to be logical but it's so hard.
You may not be able to use adultery but you can certainly use unreasonable behavior stating your husband entered in to an inappropriate relationship "recently" and is continuing to do so, this will allow a quicky divorce.
mediation is often the best and cheapest way of settling the financial side but as you rightly say if he is not prepared to talk and be reasonable it may be futile, that said he should be aware that if this ends in a court battle it can be obscenely expensive costing some couples 20k plus each!.
For your sake try and keep check of your emotions and try and keep it amicable at least keep talking, not to be the better person but because it will help protect your financial future, the less money spent on solicitors is more money to share and make a new start.
Spousal maintenance is a case of your needs and his ability to pay assuming the marriage was not short ect, for it to be on the cards he would need to be earning around 2-2.5k net per month.
Just another thought to add to Dukey's comprehensive reply - Don't try to do mediation to soon. In the early days, emotions run very high and can blind you about the bigger picture - As Dukey says, it is about getting the best financial new start for both of you.
When I went to mediation with my ex-wife, we went too soon after the split and didn't really get the best from it. It is so important that both parties understand that this is about damage limitation to the marital pot and come to the table prepared to negotiate and (dare I even say it?) COMPROMISE.
Best of luck with it. Hope it works for you - the alternative is costly to both.
Thanks. So is sneaking off to meet the girlfriend unreasonable and inappropriate? He will not answer when I ask him about it, and does not realise quite how much I know. But he's adamant that I can't dictate his friendships and that I am the one being unreasonable.
And yes, talking would be good, if only we could do it. As far as I am concerned his continuing relationship with girlfriend means he doesn't want to make a go of it. But he doesn't seem to want a divorce either (which would involve a lower standard of living for both of us and significant downsizing of house) and is appalled that I am having the house valued. He's even refused to be present when the valuers come which must leave it open for him to dispute it in the future.
I am frankly terrified of the costs of all this unless we can agree - I do indeed know people with bills of 20 grand. It's going to be hard enough financially without throwing money at lawyers.
With regards to mediation, I invited my husband to attend but he told me that his sol had said that it was a waste of time. I was a bit puzzled about it but as time went on I realised that they had, in fact advised him well as he was so stubborn and just wouldn't listen so yes, it would have been a waste of time and money!
I stand corrected if I am wrong but I feel that if you both want to reach an agreement then I am sure it is well worth it, I just wish we could have.