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What are we each entitled to in our divorce settlement?

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Husband will not attend mediation

  • amypond
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07 Oct 10 #228291 by amypond
Topic started by amypond
I am eligible for legal aid, he is not.

I am working part-time (school hours). He is working full-time and living with new girlfriend who works part-time.

He said that he cannot afford to pay for mediation costs. I offered to go halves with him (even though I am so broke that I qualify for legal aid) just so that we can get things moving. He has refused saying that he cannot even afford his half share, due to his and GF's living costs.

What would the next step be? I have tried to explain that to do things via the court system will end up being WAY dearer in the long run, but I can't make him understand.

He has not contributed a penny towards his children since moving out in April. He is waiting for a "payout" from the marital home before paying maintenance....although again I cannot make him understand that he is obliged to pay maintenance even without his "payout".

My solicitor advised against offering to pay his costs but I just want to get the Separation Agreement underway.

Please...anyone...how can I make him understand our position? And what should my next step be?

  • Imediate
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19 Oct 10 #230218 by Imediate
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Hi Amy

I have only just seen your post and you must have got fed up with waiting for a response.

The first trhing to say is that I am not a lawyer, so what I say may be nonsense.

First of all, tell your lawyer that you have tried to get your husband to go to mediation and that he is refusing to do so.

Although I am a mediator, it seems to me that you have got to get your lawyer to get a Court to order your husband to start paying maintenance. (I think it is an action for "maintenance pending suit".) It is inexcusable that he is contributing to costs incurred with his girl-friend and ignoring his responsibilities to you and your children.

If your lawyer is a bit slow, keep chasing him until something gets done.

Anyway, if you manage to achieve that (and even if you don't), keep going! Using lawyers is expensive (if you are not on legal aid) and your husband may be sufficiently shocked by the costs to agree to mediation. Although you may have started the process via lawyers, you can always tell them to stop what they are doing while you try to sort things out via mediation.

I hope your situation gets better.

  • totallylost
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19 Oct 10 #230221 by totallylost
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amypond wrote:

I am eligible for legal aid, he is not.

I am working part-time (school hours). He is working full-time and living with new girlfriend who works part-time.

He said that he cannot afford to pay for mediation costs. I offered to go halves with him (even though I am so broke that I qualify for legal aid) just so that we can get things moving. He has refused saying that he cannot even afford his half share, due to his and GF's living costs.

What would the next step be? I have tried to explain that to do things via the court system will end up being WAY dearer in the long run, but I can't make him understand.

He has not contributed a penny towards his children since moving out in April. He is waiting for a "payout" from the marital home before paying maintenance....although again I cannot make him understand that he is obliged to pay maintenance even without his "payout".

My solicitor advised against offering to pay his costs but I just want to get the Separation Agreement underway.

Please...anyone...how can I make him understand our position? And what should my next step be?


I am sure you'll find the kids are the reason why you qualify. My friend is going through this with his ex and she earns 12k a year he earns 18k and neither of them qualify. No kids.

I could be wrong. Just a thought

  • Bobbinalong
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19 Oct 10 #230223 by Bobbinalong
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If his living costs are such he may qualify, I did and I am in a £27k job. They work it out different to sol's.
If I remember, you take off, mortgage payments, rent, cm, £45 a week to go to work, if you have less than £650 left you qualify, I did because of how much I was paying out at the time.
You do know you can go alone dont you?
It will look good if you do.

  • amypond
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19 Oct 10 #230232 by amypond
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Thanks for the last three posts.
I guess I qualify for legal aid because I'm only earning £8000 per year. He was knocked back by legal aid as his mother had been paying his rent, therefore he was deemed to have enough disposable income.

I followed through with my letter idea and sent him a very gentle, encouraging letter trying to coax him towards mediation, again offering to pay half his costs. No reply as yet.

At many points in our marriage, I adored this man and so I have no desire to hurt him in any way, despite his current knob-like behaviour. I just want an end to all of this and concentrate all my energy on the children.

Bobbinalong - my mediators have told me that I cannot attend alone. I would love to, as I could then draft up a set of proposals to send to him. Are you certain it can be done alone?

I have also begun to squirrel away a bit of money in case, but it feels too dishonest and just not like me.

  • mumtoboys
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19 Oct 10 #230238 by mumtoboys
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my ex wouldn't mediate - we did one session and he wouldn't go again. There is very little you can do except hope that the solicitor's fees will bring him to his senses (it didn't mine).

Have you filed for divorce? It might be worth making a start on the paperwork if you haven't. Until it's seen in black and white, it can be easy to ignore.

As for maintenance, he is obliged to pay child maintenance if nothing else. You need to go to the CSA and get that underway - you have waited a long time for him to be reasonable, he isn't being so it would be sensible to take that route now. Just so you're aware, the CSA won't backdate so the months you have been waiting are lost - they will only backdate to the date they first contact your ex. Threaten him with the CSA and see if that helps - but you'll need to be prepared to follow through with it if necessary.

  • amypond
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19 Oct 10 #230241 by amypond
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Thanks for that, mumtoboys.

I am meant to be moving forward with divorce but the wheels are moving very slowly.

All I can do is carry on trying to be nice, friendly and civil. I can't do more than that.

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