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court order vs mediation

  • bebu
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07 Nov 11 #296635 by bebu
Topic started by bebu
hi guys,
I started mediation today. For many reasons.

1. I was adviced before i can get a court order or anything, I have to attend mediation sessions.

2. Everyone I spoke to said mediation is a good option

However, I was unhappy about a few things, which I started a few threads in other forums. Namely

- The mediator, was like a ship with a mast without direction, been blown by a violent wind. But dont get me wrong, she was a nice patient woman, but seemed not to restrain my x wife's excessive unreasonable demands or chatter a course to follow. ( According to her, its up to the 2 parties to come to an agreement )

- My x had foolish demands, had no plans for initial contact, but seemed to come to the meeting with a bag of previous, invoices, bills and demands for money.

At the end of the session, she initally set one date in dec for a 1 hour contact and said she is busy for the rest of the year.

SUMMARY
I initially wanted to cancel the mediation session all together, but felt it appropriate to have this and my willingness to mediate documented on paper, so when and If we end up in court, i would have sufficient evidence to silence the wild woman.

HOWEVER
I am wondering what people's experience and advice on a contact and joint residence order works like ?

... and any other things that might be useful to know

many thanks

  • MrsMathsisfun
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07 Nov 11 #296677 by MrsMathsisfun
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My partner found mediation a waste of time.

It ended up as just a forum for his ex to repeat the same demands she has made from the beginning.

He also found it very bias towards his ex ''because she had the children'' he should provide more even though he earns less than his ex and she has already had more than 50% of the assets

  • bebu
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07 Nov 11 #296704 by bebu
Reply from bebu
So what did he do ? get a court order ?

???

thanks

  • MrsMathsisfun
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07 Nov 11 #296718 by MrsMathsisfun
Reply from MrsMathsisfun
My partner has spent two years on this and all his ex has done is sat back and said I want more!!

As she has finally agreed to applying for the Absolute and as he doesnt actually need the financial stuff to be sorted because the house was sold and the assets split when they first separated he is going to sit back and let her sort it out and get on with his life.

He doesnt want anything different from what was orginally agreed, a 60/40 split in the ex favour.

Its just his ex has decided that ''because she has the children 1and a 1/2 days a week more than him she should have had even more''. Each time he asks her what 'more' she wants. She just say ''that he has come off better than her and thats not fair''


He wishes he had used mediation at the beginning but two years down the line it was a waste of time.

  • Fiona
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07 Nov 11 #296765 by Fiona
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Good contact for children relies on separated parents working together and going through the courts tends to make that difficult. Therefore mediation is usually worth trying but It can take a few of sessions before constructive progess can be made. Some mediators let each party say their piece to before trying to find some is common ground. Mediation is unlikely to work if you have fixed ideas, are not prepared to compromise or only going through the motions with no intention of at least trying to find a solution that can work for everyone.

One hours contact in December is woefully inadequate but the courts are very busy at this time of year and it's unlikely you would get a hearing before the New Year. What age is/are the child/ren and how long have you been separated? If Mum is busy could you offer to help out with child care or do you mean she is saying the child is busy?

  • bebu
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08 Nov 11 #296770 by bebu
Reply from bebu
thanks for your advice.

@Fiona, my daughter is going on 3 on nov 26th. WE been apart since march 2010 and I havent seen her since august 2010.

She said she is busy, and told the mediator she doesnt trust me with "HER" daughter and the mediator asked me to prove myself and i simply said i have nothing to prove. Which is the simple honest truth.

My x, uses emotional blackmail to wrap situations/people around her finger, this has been the case since we met and I told the mediator this, but she didnt say or do anything to stop the bogus situation

@jaymdee, what difference would it have made earlier ?

  • Imediate
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08 Nov 11 #296851 by Imediate
Reply from Imediate
As always, Fiona makes sensible and useful comments and I have a few of my own to add.

First of all, I see mediation clients who feel they have been ignored in the past and now want to be heard. Obviously I have no idea of you and your wife's situation, but perhaps this applies here. So, it might be an idea to let her talk without interruption until she runs out of steam, and then you can put your points and refute her arguments.

You have only seen your mediator once and perhaps she was adopting the above tactic. Clearly, you feel she was not very good but it would seem sensible to see her again to see if she becomes a bit more positive. If she doesn't and you don't have confidence in her, find another one - and preferably one that is less booked up. A month is a long time to wait, but I find that some clients do need time between meetings so that they can go away and think about what has been discussed. Equally, there are others that want to push on and have weekly sessions.

Don't give up on mediation; it really does work BUT both of you do need to be open minded, prepared to listen to the other side, and prepared to compromise. It is likely to be far more satisfactory for the two of you to come to an agreement (as I hope you know it's you two that agree, not the mediator who merely helps you to reach an agreement and does not have a magic wand) instead of a judge imposing a decision on you.

If you think a month is a long time to wait for a meeting, you should see how long it takes to fight matters through solicitors and the courts - and how much it costs.

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