Advice on Mediation

Hi
I have my first mediation apt on tuesday with my stbx and would welcome some advice on what is going to happen and how to handle things.

I have agreed to mediation but only if we are in separate rooms, this is because he is very good at mind games and lecturing which winds me up so I thougt it would be best if we were in separate rooms and so I wouldn''t get wound up and blert out something I shouldn''t or loose my temper.

I have complete all the financial stuff they have sent and got all the copies they need, great deal of time they gave us, I got it yesterday and the meeting is on Tuesday, luckly I had already downloaded a form E to look at so I had the figures i needed.

He is wanting everything including the son, and dog, and I am not prepared to share! I know I am going to have to give some things up and I have already offered 1 night per week and alternative weekends which is actually more than he has been seeing his son whilst we have been married. My worry is that he is still in the same house and he is constantly trying to get me to agree to things whilst I am alone, he refuses to only talk about things in mediation and now I have found out that most of his parents neighbours know everything that has been said previously because he has told them and then they have told the neighbours. I want this to stop as most of it is lies and we live in a very small village.

Any advice would be welcomed.

I have twice (2011 and 2011) been requested to attend the first appointment with a mediator. Each one I spent weeks getting together the finances, evidence of bank accounts being emptied by ex, photographs of antiques etc taken from the house, the list goes on. Ended up with a very large file.

The first one started of deciding whether i was entitled to legal aid, then the question of how the marriage had ended, I wasn''t expecting that one, had only set my mind to proving what the ex had done with the fiances etc., Cried throughout the whole thing, he kindly sat for the whole hour and just listened.

The ex was due to attend the next day (at my request I''d refuse to sit in the same room as him) he didn''t attend so mediation could not continue.

A year later and again at his solicitors request I was requested to attend mediation again, this time he had his appointment first and I went on a different day. Mediator this time asked how it had ended, bank accounts, abuse since the separation, police involvement etc., managed not to cry this time. Conclusion was that the mediation would not accept the case due to threats made to me by ex husband, and obviously he wasn''t telling the truth and it would have to go to court.

Neither of the mediators looked at the large file I had prepared (at least I have it ready for court) but just sat and listened for the whole hour and were very sensitive to the situation. Just think of it as talking it through with your best friend, although they can give no legal advice. Hope this helps and keep calm.

Thanks

For a further update on the situation i have now discovered that he has instructed his solicitor NOT to submit the divorce papers with the court until we are well into mediation!!!I get the feeling that this is so he can use it against me as in "if you don''t do as I say I will alter them", the whole thing is I was divorcing him until we had a meeting 5 weeks ago with the solicitors and he wanted to divorce me instead, i think it is a power thing and also he wants to know all my financial details which we have to submit on tuesday, my initial feeling is to contact my solicitor and get them to contact his and tell them that if they are not submitted in the next few days I will not give my finacial details out at the mediation and I will submit my paperwork to the courts and divorce him, Am i being too irrational???? I know deep dowm with him it is all about power and what he can have over me, this is why i have only agreed to mediation in separate rooms, although he is unaware of this. I feel as though I should be grabbing this by the horns and taking it forward, we are now 10 weeks down the line and still no divorce papers have been issued, it all kicked off big style on Christmas day!

Please help will i be doing the right thing in asking my solicitor to hurry them up?

I can only share my personal experience of mediation. If you have a good mediator then they will be ''chairing and directing'' discussions. Much of it appears to be gathering financial information and that''s where I have had problems as husband has been slow and dishonest. Our mediator got us to agree not to discuss contentious issues outside of mediation as I too feel very threatened (not physically) by my STBX. Unfortunately he didn''t keep to this and the mediator said she would have to call a halt if he didn''t stop.

Can''t you just issue a divorce petition to him, and then you will be in a better position of control? Is he divorcing you for UB? What are you frightened of being altered? It sounds as if the concept of mediation is not being taken for what it is for, to cut down on the expense and trauma of solicitors fighting. During the mediation process I have had very little contact with my solicitor, apart from the odd bit of advice and keeping them updated.

For mediation to work you both need to believe in it, and there does need to be an element of trust between you that you can work things out fairly. Sadly, I realised that this was not the case for me rather too late and have been well and truly strung along.

Good luck for tomorrow and let us know how it goes.

Hi Action
Thanks for your comments, we have now had to cancel tomorrows mediation because our son is ill and off school so we both can''t be there, but this has given me the oportunity to book an apointment and get a copy of our marriage certificate as he has the original, I have also emailed the solicitor and told him to contact his and say if the paperwork isn''t in this week I will submit mine.

Trying to remain positive but I know all his delaying is for power and to get me to put all my cards on the table, Also I think he is trying to hide his money elsewhere I already know that he had invested a large amount with his father in shares but that is in his dad''s name and i believe that the money was taken out in cash so no paper trace.

He is divorcing me for UB, although it was originally me divorcing him but in the meeting we had 5 weeks ago with all the solicitors he wanted to divorce me as it was cheaper! this again is a power thing, he was made to only go mild on the alegations otherwise I would contest, this was after an incident on Christmas day which the police became involved in which hasn''t been mentioned, I am now more in the mind set of what the hell, just put my papers in even if I walk to the court offices myself and do it!

As for him not discussing anything outside the mediation that isn''t going to happen as yesterday my mum was stopped by one of his parents neighbours (we all live in a small village) and was told the entire contents of the solicitors letters and what had been said in the meetings, so even his parents can''t stop talking to everyone about it, and I thought all these items were suposed to be private and not discussed!!!
I am just so angry, stressed, worked up and the rest and can''t help but be upset at how this is effecting our son as we are still in the same house, the sooner at least some of this is sorted the better.

The cost of the actual divorce is so insignificant compared to the cost of mediation and litigation to do with sorting out finances and childen. I really don''t understand why he''s even thinking about it. I think I would be tempted to just file for divorce but as I don''t know all the details maybe I''m wrong to say that. He would be very foolish to contest your Petition as all it will do it increase the legal bills. I''ve read on other posts that the best thing to do if you''re not happy with the grounds for UB is to say that you don''t agree with the points listed but you agree that the marriage is over. The UM grounds will never be seen by people other than you legal reps and the judge.

Do you know when the shares were bought? You can ask to see his bank statements and then question where the money has gone and ask for evidence. I''m sure you''ll not be asked to ''put your cards on the table'' at mediation. As I said before, it''s an opportunity to gather financial information and to question anything that looks suspcious or odd. Everything will then be in black and white so the mediator can advise how things would be split according to the law. Try to focus on what your ''needs'' are and build yourself up as much evidence of this as you can by doing a monthly expense schedule; seeing how much you can borrow to buy another house for yourself; get details of suitable properties in your area etc.

I''ve just had a call from my solicitor saying that they cannot advise me to settle on the latest potential figure as they are not happy with the financial disclosure and that the only way I can be confident that it is correct is by going forward with an AR application. As such, do keep in mind that it''s difficult for mediation to work if you are both not totally honest with your financial disclosure.

Hello Action

So your solicitor is saying go to court, how do you feel about that? do you think your ex is keeping assets out of the pot?.