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What the Court expects from parents

  • Butnotnow
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11 Jun 09 #123260 by Butnotnow
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It is a very difficult position to suggest that Courts/CAFCASS go against 'proven' thinking in their minds. There may be a substancial amount of info out in the public domain that supports the idea of getting a regular and sustainable pattern of contact established from a young age is in fact good in many cases for the child as they are more able to adjust at that age (assuming both parents are focused on the childs welfare) than when they become more aware of things.

I can already start to see my daughter beginning to notice that she is leaving mummy and though she has not protested at coming with me I can see that in the not to distant future it is something that happens. I know this and am prepared for it but so far I feel that as soon as daughter shows any type of concern Ex will simply say that daughter is not coming with you today and then the slippery slope of reduced and perhaps no contact has started. This is not based on assumption but already observed comments made by Ex in front of our daughter in the last month. i.e. saying to her 'you don't have to speak to daddy on the phone if you don't want to' because she was playing with the phone when I called and I asked her not to say things like this in front of our daughter she replied 'she is 21 mths old, knows her mind and I will not make her do something she does not want to do' A totally over the top response to what happened.

Perhaps as a female friend said to me, when daughter says she wants to stay with daddy then I ring Ex and tell her I am not bringing her back as she knows her mind and does not want to come back. Clearly this way of thinking is nonsense and it is this distorted view of things that concerns me.

So far I have not seen much evidence of the Courts being able to deal/tackle this type of thinking and it would appear often they will take the easier route rather than upset the status quo even if in the long term there is good evidence to suggest a loss of contact is likely to follow. Not sure how they would either and I am worried about mentioning this at the meeting(s) in case it is taken as me being negative and running my Ex down rather that just expressing my concerns.
Jim

  • Budapest
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11 Jun 09 #123282 by Budapest
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I completely agree with you. My partner says that his daughter becomes agitated when she sees him because she recognises who he is and that his presence means she will be away from mummy for a bit. Of course, daughter is completely settled very quickly. Unfortunately Mother seems to enjoy when daughter becomes fractious as she somehow believes that this proves the point that contact ought to remain supervised by her daughter rather than believing that the point which is actually proven is that daughter ought to be encouraged by Mother. This would not have happened if Father were allowed to have daughter alone a lot earlier which I guess is the same as what you are saying.

My partner's point is that if, God forbid, anything happened to Mummy....

Mother's response was that "nothing is going to happen to me"!

I totally hear what your female friend is saying however for 'our' purposes there is no such thing as "spinning logic on its head". We take a deep breath and remain positive, positive, positive.

For contact to be smooth takes the input of both parents. Mother ought to encourage and reassure daughter that all will be ok, Mother ought to be able to send positive vibes!!! Father needs to be sensitive and patient FOREVER!!!!!

Fiona posted this CAFCASS info which is very useful especially as we would think that we can rely on it!!!

www.cafcass.gov.uk/publications/leaflets_for_adults.aspx

  • Krystaltips
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11 Jun 09 #123301 by Krystaltips
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DL- very good post. In my case I have a teenage daughter and have not told her about his adultery because I didn't want that to cloud their relationship because I know that- should she know about it- she would turn on him and I don't want that to happen for his and her sakes (she did say that if she ever found out he left us for another woman she would never want to see him again)... All she knows is that I am upset *because* we have seperated and does not know that is because he had an affair.

Just wondered if this was/is the right thing to do? And how to broach it should I need to without having her turn on him.Or if it is okay to not tell her?

  • Chris33
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11 Jun 09 #123302 by Chris33
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My Ex is the same, thinks that my son needs her around all the time. She cant see the harm she is doing by clinging to him, and making him be with her for short periods in handovers.

The court gave me 1 night overnight a week when he was 2.5, hopefully going to 2 or 3 nights when we have the review in 3 months time.

My view is - if you get on well with the ex, then sort it out between you, or with mediation, its far better all round. If you don't and she's playing games - get the court date booked as early as you can, else the longer without proper contact, the harder it is to change the "status quo".

Chris

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11 Jun 09 #123303 by FabDad
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Chris,

Unfortunately in my case because my ex decided to invent incidents of domestic violence, she was advised that mediation was not appropriate. Of course she can't now back down and say that she made these up :(

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11 Jun 09 #123305 by Chris33
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Krystal,

I would say don't tell her - wheres the benefit to her of knowing?

Fab Dad

Mate, I really feel for you, thank god my ex didnt think of that. I hope you work your way through it all.

Chris

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11 Jun 09 #123307 by Krystaltips
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I don't think there is any benefit either Chris. I actually would prefer them to spend more time together and he knows that he can see/ call her whenever he wants to. Since he left it has been a bit sporadic to say the least.

But whatever he has done to ME I would not want to deprive them of their relationship.

Is it possible to have that in a divorce? Could I stipulate that there are no set times for contact etc because he can see her whenever they both want to?

Or do times/ days etc HAVE to be mentioned? It seems a bit odd to have to state he can see her every other weekend/ this day/ that day when he knows he can see her when he wants?

Or am I being naiive here? I am still fairly new here.

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