A well respected, award winning social enterprise
Volunteer run - Government and charity funded
We help 50,000 people a year through divorce

01202 805020

Lines open: Monday to Friday 9am-5pm
Call for FREE expert advice & service info


  • ROLLERCOASTERRIDE's Avatar Posted by
  • Elite Member
  • Elite Member
02 Jul 09 #128355 by ROLLERCOASTERRIDE
Hi All,

I posted a few days ago regarding my stbxh and that he is now taking me to court to get access/custody of our 2 boys, he's having a laugh really because i cant see any way in which he will get custody, he has not paid a penny to me since he left 3 months ago, he has also left me with loads of debt and all the household bills, i have had to ring all my utility companies and my mortage and house insurence to ask them to bear with me for a month in order for me to get the money together to pay the bills, he is also going to be arrested on tuesday the 7th of july when he is home from work (he works on the oil rigs)for assaulting me, because it is now going to court cafcass are now involved and i am exspecting them to ring to arrange to see me and the boys soon, im not worried about them coming as the boys are very well cared for and are happy here with me, the problem is when i sat our boys down to talk to them about whats going on, my youngest got very upset, (he is 11) he is absoulutaley adamant that he does not want to see or speak to his dad, i was prepared to let my husband have some form of contact with the boys be it a phone call or a afternoon out untill the court case, but my youngest said that he would not go along with this, he has also said that he does not want to go to his dads flat when cafcass want to see the boys with their dad, has anyone had exseriance of this? i have tryed to reassure him that nothing bad will happen, he wont tell me why he is so scared of seeing his dad, im absolutely sure that nothing has ever happened with my son and his dad, the only thing i can think that it may be is that our son is scared that if he goes and stays with his dad that he wont come back to me, i have suggested this to our son and he got upset, i did tell him that nobody will make him do anything he doesn't want to, how will cafcass look at this? i dont want them to think that i am stopping our boys from seeing their dad, will they try to encourage our son to see his dad?, any help would be appreciated, Thank you.

  • smalik
  • smalik's Avatar
  • Premium Member
  • Premium Member
07 Jul 09 #129321 by smalik
Reply from smalik
Its better that you come to on some agreement on contact, the children need contact with the father.

Its better that you agree rather than have all the headache of trying to deny contact, contac with both parents is better in the long term for the children.

  • nbm1708
  • nbm1708's Avatar
  • Platinum Member
  • Platinum Member
07 Jul 09 #129344 by nbm1708
Reply from nbm1708
First thing that stands out is that money and whether or not he has paid anything and whether it is only your income you and the children are surviving on is totally different and separate to whether or not a child has contact with both of his/her parents.

You need to isolate both parts and not bring then in to any reasoning or justification as to whether or not your ex has contact. The court will not entertain it.

Your child has the right to have contact with both and it could be that your child is picking up on your emotions and things he's overhearing and is from that wanting not to see his father.


  • Stabilo
  • Stabilo's Avatar
  • Junior Member
  • Junior Member
08 Jul 09 #129677 by Stabilo
Reply from Stabilo
I would contact Cafcass and tell them the situation honestly. The boys will probably have to be interviewed separately to parents anyway. Try to speak to the officer how has been allocated to your case and he/she should be able to advise you on what to do whilst you are waiting for your appointment.

If your boy feels this way about seeing his father, he will tell Cafcass. If you are happy to contact to happen in the long term future and as long as you tell Cafcass this, I can't see how it will go against you. Cafcass will take on board everyones comments and come to their own conclusion in a report. As long as you are open to their father having contact you won't be seen as being unhelpful or awkward.

At the end of the day, your boy is nearly a teen and it should largely depend on what he wants and what he tells Cafcass.

I hope this helps, I've been to Cafcass 4 times now but my child is a lot younger. Hope you get to sort this out.

  • charlie09
  • charlie09's Avatar
  • Junior Member
  • Junior Member
08 Jul 09 #129731 by charlie09
Reply from charlie09
I had the officer visit my house to chat to my girls. He was wonderful and spoke to them seperately.
My youngest was very nervous and I was allowed to sit at the other end of the room with my ipod in!
He took into account what they said and put that forward to the judge!

Hope all goes well!!

  • ROLLERCOASTERRIDE's Avatar Posted by
  • Elite Member
  • Elite Member
08 Jul 09 #129738 by ROLLERCOASTERRIDE
Thank you all for your advice, it has helped me a lot, i am more than happy to let their dad have contact with them somewhere down the line, at the minute our boys are so confused that they dont really know what they want, i never discuss anything in front of the boys and have tryed not to get into too much detail when they have asked questions, i also would never bad mouth their dad in front of them no matter how much i dont like him, at the end of the day he is their dad, im sure our boys will let the cafcass officer know what they would like and when they want to see their dad, i have lots of emails that i sent my stbx just after he left and just recently saying that i want the boys to have contact with him, he is being quite nasty at the minute and threatening lots of things, so i think going down the court route is not what i wanted but i think it is the best route given that my ex wants to be difficult, thanks once again for your advice.


Moderators: wikivorce teamrubytuesdaydukeyhadenoughnowTetsSheziLinda SheridanForsetiMitchumWhiteRoseLostboy67WYSPECIALBubblegum11

The modern, convenient and affordable way to divorce.

No-Fault Divorce £179

We provide the UK's lowest cost no-fault divorce service, managed by a well respected firm of solicitors. 

Online Mediation £250

Online mediation is a convenient and inexpensive way to agree on a fair financial settlement.

Consent Order £259

This legally binding agreement defines how assets (e.g. properties and pensions) are to be divided.

Court Support £250

Support for people who have to go to court to get a fair divorce financial settlement without a solicitor.