Losing sight of what is 'reasonable' - help!

I have to write a statement for the court as to why the current status quo needs to be changed. I have plenty of good, solid reasons. However, I am not sure about the following and would appreciate some guidance.

We have three children - aged 5, 2 and 15 weeks. Little one is not yet included in contact but stbx has begun to push for it (at same time as demanding dna tests - don't ask).

The older two are with him 3 nights out of 7. The middle one (age 2) is with him for two days as part of this (monday and tuesday) and stbx states that he takes time off to care for him (he is self-employed so this is, technically, possible). In reality, he uses a childminder, his girlfriend, his girlfriend's mother and his girlfriend's older child (aged 16) to care for him. If I question it, I am told 'it's none of your business' (with expletives added)

So, what is reasonable, given the age of our children? I would like to know:
a) the usual pattern of care when with my stbx
b) the people who would be called on to care for the children, pick them up from school etc. in the event of stbx not being able to care for them
c) reassurances that the people caring for the boys have my contact details and have been 'authorised' to contact me in the event of an emergency and my stbx can't be got hold of or for those awful situations you can't plan for and will probably never happen but what if...?

I accept that:
a) I have no say in who cares for the boys when with my stbx and that I can't do anything unless I think they boys are in danger, not being appropriately cared for etc.
b) that I don't have to be informed every time there is a change to the 'norm', although given that I am at home at the moment with the baby, I think it reasonable I can contacted first to care for number2 if stbx can't? Is that reasonable?

Very grey area - can I demand that the stbx looks after the baby and no one else?

Is all that OK? Anyone got anything to add to that? Basically, I am in a situation whereby I have no idea what is happening with the children for half the week and I do feel this is unacceptable. I am not keen to put a baby into this mix, as I'm sure many people will appreciate. If I'm out of order wanting this information, please tell me!

Oh you poor things..sounds very complicated..give me a background on your situation..he has a gf and yet your baby is literally weeks old??
My ex's gf is left in charge of my 5 and 3 year olds...they dont like it as he idea of discipline verges on abuse (5 year old daughter sent to bedroom for 6 hours for "looking at her in a disrespectful way") although when I question this with my ex I am also told it is none of my business. He also refers to his wifes parents as my childrens grandparents which is an effort to kill me inside I think.
I really dont know where you stand on this but am sending you a big hug!
Lou x

Ok, if you want me to be honest when you're putting together your list of what you want you need to think carefully about whats realistic and you'll be supported in (with CAFCASS and the court) and whats not.

To help you get an idea start off by going down the list below and then work from there about what else needs looking at:

Schedule of items in relation to the exercise of parental responsibility, identifying those items which require mutual consultation and those which could be exercised unilaterally. A copy of this useful document was attached as a footnote to the judgment A v A [2004] EWHC 142 (FAM).


Decisions that could be taken independently and without any consultation or notification to the other parent.

* How the children are to spend their time during contact

* Personal care for the children

* Activities undertaken

* Religious and spiritual pursuits

* Continuance of medicine treatment prescribed by GP

Decisions where one parent would always need to inform the other parent of the decision, but did not need to consult or take the other parent's views into account.

o Medical Treatment in an emergency

o Booking holidays or to take the children abroad in contact time

o Planned visits to the GP and the reasons for this

Decisions that you would need to both inform and consult the other parent prior to making the decision.

* Schools the children are to attend, including admissions applications.

* Contact rotas in school holidays

* Planned medical and dental treatment

* Stopping medication prescribed for the children

* Attendance at school functions so they can be planned to avoid meetings wherever possible

* Age that children should be able to watch videos. ie videos recommended for children over 12 and 18.

yep - I get all that. But I am just not sure where I stand with knowing who my children are being cared for. I get I can't do anything about it and that it's all up to him when they're with him but is it not reasonable that on a shared care basis of such young children, I am aware of who is doing the caring and that contact details are freely shared? How is it shared care if I don't know where they are half the time...

take this week. No. 2 should have gone to preschool. He didn't because stbx was at work and couldn't pick him up (so rather than admit he needs someone else to pick him up, he just makes alternative arrangements) and I get an excuse about him 'not being well' (which eldest child looks totally confused about when asked - he's fine, not been ill at all mummy). It is important that he goes to preschool - he needs to mix with children his age for social and emotional development reasons, he needs to interact with other adults as he's struggling with his speech and so being around other people is forcing him to talk.... Why is it OK that the stbx deprives him of this because he can't actually care for him when he says he is caring for him? I am at home with teh baby - why not ask me to pick him up?

I am struggling with the concept of 'shared' and the fact that he can do what he wants, regardless of what might be 'best' for the child and what we might have agreed is best. The two things don't go together.

The same concept of shared care is not exclusive to him. If you were unable to collect your child because you were working would your first port of call be to sort things out yourself (particularly at a time whereby you might be trying to show you can cope and that you are organised and you are under scrutiny) or would you just ring your ex?

Yes it is reasonable to know who and where your child is being looked after but you cannot expect to know about every minute of every day and the same rule that applies to him applies with you and whilst the children are in your care. How much involvement and checking would you be happy for him to do?

Or would you feel that he was just being picky and didn't trust your care?

Yes this document applies now whilst you're at home with the baby but it also applies in the future too. What about 5 years time from now? Are you still going go be home 24/7?

T

mumtoboys..am I right in thinking that what you are asking is that "is it reasonable to have some background info / knowledge of the people involved in looking after the children?"...if this is the case then I'm afraid its "no"..
I've been through this with my ex...I argued until I was blue in the face that he wasnt to leave them with his gf (now wife) as he hardly knows her and I definately dont know her but he ignored me, told me to shut up etc..this backfired on him though when I started seeing my bf and he insisted on knowing about him...I told him to sod off (he did though in true style have a solicitors letter sent to me asking for my bf's details but my solicitor responded adding that my ex had not seen fit to give me any details of his gf when I was desperately worried.
I'd say save your energy, you're not going to win this one...bide your time and wait until he wants info on your partner in the future...then tell him the same as he's done to you!
Good luck!
Lou x

Mum
I really sympathise with your situation as I know you have concerns about the new gf and her care of your children.

It's really difficult when you separate as normally who cares for the children when parents cannot would be a joint decision and you would both agree on who was suitable to do this.

We make so many checks with childminders, school staff etc, being CRB checked, references sought, but any new partner (whatever their background and history) can be allowed to look after our children if the other parent allows and we are meant to just take it on the chin? Until something dreadful happens.

I don't know the answer to your question, but would find it very hard to let my children go into that situation. The only hope is that one day the father of your children will grow up and really try and do what is best for the children.