Losing sight of what is 'reasonable' - help!

Well said Deedum.
Perhaps a new rule ought to be put into place that new partners SHOULD be CRB checked (funded by themselves) prior to being able to be involved with other peoples children...this would make a lot of people think twice about introducing new partners to kids before the poor mite have even had a chance to digest that daddy (or mummy) isnt coming back.
My ex intro'd my kids to his gf 5 days after walking out...it was indecent!
Lou x

Oh please we've heard that before did you CRB check your ex before you had a child with him? No? So whay should they do it now, CRB's are a complete waste of time and money. Instead we should hope that people realise they need to take time introducing new partners. And before I am attacked my ex wife introduced her new partner to my children months before we even split (they work colleagues!)

Mummy I hate to say this but you are going to have to trust him on the gf. Like he will you one day.

In terms of the nursery a single day is not going to hurt the child emotionally in the long run is it?

I realise that this is difficult but he is an adult and therefore he is able to look after children during his time, remember the list that NBM sent.

Good luck and try not to worry about what the kids are doing with your ex instead concentrate on what they are doing with you.

No I didnt CRB him but I waited for 10 months before I introduced him to my children. I wanted to be sure it wasnt just a fling.
I wont be berated for my suggestion.
...and for the record I waited 10 months to intro him, another 18 months before we set up home together and another 3 years of careful observation before agreeing to have a child with him...although...lol...for all the good it did in the long run was a waste of time!
Lou x

I am not having a go I am merely suggesting that CRB checks would be useless they wouldn't show how bad a parent they are. I am sure Fred West would have past a CRB check BEFORE his issues were found out. It is not a judge on character that everyone wants or has in the back of their mind.

Like I said to mummy before you will need to trust and think the long game not the short and worrying about little things continously will not help her children or her own well being.

oh dear, didn't want to start a debate!

I do have concerns about the girlfriend, yes. But that's not really what I was asking.

In response to NBM yes, I would call my ex if I needed help - and frequently have done. Except he won't help (he claims he does enough already) so I don't bother anymore and I have to pay for childcare if I can't manage something within the usual range of things. Not ideal, but it's all I can do. YOu will note that he won't ask me what happens with the children in a particular situation but he will ask the kids - so he is concerned about what happens, just wont' ask me!

OK. The response then is I put up and shut up basically. Which is what I needed to hear - I don't want to waste precious space in my statement focusing on the wrong thing.

Personally, I don't see what the issue is. My children are young. I should know who is caring for them in the usual run of the mill kind of way. I accept I might not like it and there's nothign I can do but I should know who to contact and when if there's a problem and they should know how to contact me. They don't.

The purpose of CRB's is so that a convicted or recorded child mollester or rapist didn't start work at your local school, swimming baths, CAFCASS office etc where the temptation might be too much. The soham murders was an example of what happens when it doesn't get picked up and someone with a record is employed at a school.

The only information these organisations have otherwise is an application form, possibly references and an hour long interview.

If the homeoffice was to start doing a crb check on each and every new boyfriend/girlfriend that each hostile party brings into contact with their children they would reach melt down as quick as cafcass and the courts are and the actual perpetraitors would then slip through the nets and might end up where they shouldn't be.

Each party no matter how hostile they are to each other should be responsible enough to actually know the person they are introducing to the children. They usually know them considerably longer than an hour and have some idea as to how they are going to be with their children.

CRB's only show criminal records nothing else so in terms of most new partners they would be useless for the type of behaviour you all seem to be looking for in your ex's new partner. They do not show parenting style which is what's being argued about.

"This service enables organisations in the public, private and voluntary sectors to make safer recruitment decisions by identifying candidates who may be unsuitable for certain work, especially that involve children or vulnerable adults. The CRB was established under Part V of the Police Act 1997 and was launched in March 2002.

Prior to 2002, access to police checks was mainly confined to organisations in the statutory sector for staff who had ‘substantial unsupervised access’ to children. There were many other organisations that could not access these checks and yet had staff with similar access to vulnerable groups. The CRB enables many more organisations to access these checks as part of good recruitment practice."

T

mumtoboys wrote:

Personally, I don't see what the issue is. My children are young. I should know who is caring for them in the usual run of the mill kind of way. I accept I might not like it and there's nothign I can do but I should know who to contact and when if there's a problem and they should know how to contact me. They don't.

Asking who the children are likely to be left with is fine particularly in view of their ages. There should be no problem with it in general both the who and where but where you will come unstuck is if you try and push it to every minute of every day. Thats too tight a control.

The same goes for if there's a problem or an emergency. Come up with a reasonable plan of what you would like to happen but try to remember that at some point you won't be at home with the baby and that it's not just for now but also the future. All parties concerned have to be able to live with it and it has to be adaptable or at every change in circumstances one party will bring the other back to court and no-one wants that.

Remember the plan has to be able to work both ways.

The trick is to make it reasonable and not overtly controling and sometimes it can be a fine line.

T