Review Hearing and a few worries....

rp OH here to save confusion:

To cut a long story short, I was denied contact for all my three children back in August last year. I had actually not seen 2 of 3 since April for any longer than 10 minutes when I collected eldest (collection point was MIL)..I was told middle did not want contact and youngest always was 'sick' or 'not there'

Eldest had staying contact once a fortnight for 2 nights and one night after school in the week. This went on without issue from Jan-Aug 09 all the while I continually attempted to see the other 2 to no avail, and admit I did bury my head in the sand and hoped that my stbx would see sense..our relationship was acrimonious and I did not want to rock the boat. To say she is manipulative is about the biggest understatement I can think of.

Back in August some financial issues were raised by me and surprise surprise...contact with ALL children was abruptly stopped due to them being 'unsafe' whilst they were in my care.
Knowing this was a direct retaliation to financial issues I decided against seeking legal advice and decided to self rep and applied for Contact. I did some research and thought as allegations were bogus I had nothing to hide..
I asked for contact to be re-established as before for eldest and re-introducing contact over a period of a for 2 younger children to eventually overnights say over a 2 month period.
we attended the first hearing in early December, she had a solicitor present..
We had the standard meeting with Cafcass beforehand; nothing specific regarding welfare was actually discussed during the meeting..it was more vague generalisations of my care and concern for the children and that I tended to act more like a mate than a father..I feel it was more a clash of parenting style than geniune well being.

We somehow 'agreed' that I would see all 3 alternate Saturdays but that my mother was to be present the contact. It wasn't ideal..she got the CAFCASS officer onside instantly and I really did feel railroaded into agreeing, however the most important thing was seeing my children so I took what I thought I essentially thought was better than nothing. No welfare report was ordered or advised by cafcass at that point. We agreed to come back in 4 months time to review overnights, beginning of april.
I will admit that I was very pleased on the day as I knew I would see all of my children and very soon..however hindsight vision kicked in a few days later. I started to go over the events of that day and wondered how it would have turned out if I had been more confident, or taken a McKenzie or a solicitor, not that I could afford one!
After a few visits with the children I realise that two weeks is FAR too long..I miss them like mad and they are so so so excited to see me..they are constantly asking to stay over and wanting to know when they will..I just don't know what to tell them and it hurts me so much to see them disapointed.
I saw a solicitor last week and she was genuinely appalled at the outcome of the first hearing, that she would have pushed for overnights straight off for all 3, with conditions written into the Consent Order regarding the 'concerns' ie bedtimes and TV watching etc and that she couldn't even understand the point of it being supervised by my mother as her and my stbx don't even speak therefore who was to confirm and monitor the progress? She also added that she knew the solicitor my stbx uses and that she would have exploited the fact I self repped to her upmost advantage.

So I am now in a few minds about how to approach the review hearing.
Before the Directions I hadn't spoken to my stbx in 3 months. She point blank refused to speak to me for no real reason other than anger. All of a sudden she's communicative and nearly friendly at the directions hearing..she has been responsive to texts about the children (I check up the kids had fun and p/u times for weekends direct with her)
Honestly I do not know which way my stbx is going to go..she might say she is not happy for anything to change and contact has to remain as it is for another 4 months..or she might be in agreement straight off to overnights weekly.
I am not even sure if CAFCASS is going to be present at the review or if it will just be the judge present..could I contact them to get this information? In all honestly I do not want them to have to complete a S 7, the backlog in Yorkshire is horrendus, taking up to 48 weeks at presnt.

I am contemplating texting my stbx to try and get a response about it beforehand, but not sure how she would react to that either.

I have also been thinking about instructing a solicitor for the review hearing based on the meeting I had last week..I wonder if the outcome at the first hearing would have been miles away from what it is now if I had done from the start..finances at the time wouldn't allow but I could probably scrape or borrow this time.
Honestly I know deep down solicitors don't have a place in child court cases but I know what I am up against. She is a master of manipulation and is very very vindictive..I am more concerned that she IS being communicative with me than I was when she wasn't. Nothing she could do or has done has really surprised me so far.

Really just looking for some guidance and thoughts on this...all welcome.

Nothing like a divorce to bring out the worst in some people. Like you I was all over the place with the ex changing the goalposts regularly. When I was sent a draft agreement that was grossly unfair to myself, suddenly the CO contact was complied with. I agreed to all but one issue and contact was stopped immediately. They say we know our exes better than most, however nothing prepared me for the games and tactics my ex and his sol deployed. In some instances, we are doomed if we do and doomed if we dont.

If you feel you must/should contact your ex, IMHO you should do this by recorded delivery, remaining polite, factual and quietly assertive. Copies of such correspondence is more helpful to yourself and the court than hearsay and texts. Good luck

E

I wanted to try and reply but ought to mention these are just my layman's ramblings.


1.I think that you should not be too hard on yourself regarding the outcome of the first hearing. You went from a starting point of nothing to supervised contact, that’s not unusual. At that stage I think the Judge would only have made an order that had the consent of both parties, so you may have walked away with the best outcome available. It could have been worse, I walked away from my first hearing with a contact center.

Another positive is that the ex has had to show her hand regarding her purported child welfare concerns. It would be much harder for her to introduce new allegations at the next hearing.

Who knows, had the outcome at court been one that your ex hated, then in the long term it might have entrenched her opposition to contact. By allowing her a ‘win’ she might feel less inclined to future nonsense.

2.You could contact the court and ask if CAFCASS are due to be present on that day. Leave it at that. If they are there they will probably play a minimal role. There are no issues requiring a report, it is probably too late for your ex to invent something, their heavy workload will mean they will be resistant to anything that is non essential anyway.

3.I would strongly advice you not to text the ex. Even if she is all sweetness and light you can’t predict the emotional response your text will illicit.

You need a long term stratergy for dealing with this woman and I think part of that will be keeping communication polite, but formal.Another point is you need to be mindful of possible allegations of harassment or intimidation.

If you do want to communicate with her, perhaps send a letter to the solicitor saying that you ideally would like to move forward by agreement with the ex and would she like to attend mediation with you?

4. At the next review you need to push for non supervised contact. Be prepared to move forward in stages, there will be probably many reviews ahead. I have sent you a PM with a position statement which might help in your presentation.

Good luck.

thank you so much for your input Elle and Z.

I know it could have been much worse but after having staying contact it has been so so hard to go back to supervised contact only, however saying that at least I see all 3 now.

you both seem to speak from experience when dealing with someone who is very difficult, altho I suppose if they weren't we all wouldn't be in court in the first place so its not surprising our ex's appear similar.

Best guess, I think that although our next hearing is an overnight review, she will only agree to unsupervised at that point. If this is the case then so be it but it has got to be more than alternate weekends.

what are your thoughts on instructing a solicitor?

In respect to weekly contact. Tricky. Your arguments would need to focus on the children as opposed to your natural wish to see them more often.

The children are being asked to make a very challenging transition to their lives and in my view a 2 week gap between visits provides little continuity between visits;
whereas weekly visits would be much better in providing them with a routine whereby they can develop and maintain their relationship with you and their paternal family.

Sadly, the courts seem to get stuck on this alternate weekend schedule. It can be hard to shift them from this. Your ex would probably argue that she needs at least one weekend that's just 'hers'.

Have some ideas ready on how you could make this work. Is midweek contact possible? Could you pick them up from school one day? Is there some activity that you could involve them in (football practice).

Should you use a solicitor? If you can afford it, then yes. If not, don't worry you could probably do as well yourself. Why not contact Families Need Fathers, they could put you in contact with a MF who could provide advice and assistance at a fraction of the cost.

Cheers Z...

I know that the children are being sent to grandads every friday night so ex can have alone time with her new fella so wanted to effectively take that over. Of course only if overnights are ok with ex. Then have them every friday night till saturday AM then every alternate weekend fri/sat nights. I know that their grandad is NOT pleased about he current arrangements..he even said to the children they wouldn't be staying his much longer and would be staying at mine very soon. Never been too hands on a grandparent which is fair enough!

Midweek contact is no problem at all. I had this previously on a Thursday, had eldest down for tea then back home at 7:30. Would like to re-establish this as well with all 3 again, will prbably have to be earlier now as youngest is only 2.5.

I am very much in two minds about the solicitor.