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will i lose my son in court

  • mumof 3
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09 Mar 15 #457632 by mumof 3
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well stbx has done as he promised he would and takern my son.we are in court in 3 weeks and am waiting for CAFCASS to speak to me.

my daughter is still with me but who knows for how long.
my sons behaviour when he visits is vile.he is to stay for 4 hours but last visit he stayed for 2 hours and spent the whole time issuing me with a tirade of abuse about how i had abandoned him how i have never cared for him and he wished i was dead.
this is all from an 11 year old boy.
he has changed beyond all recognision.

he insisits he never wants to live with me and doesnt care what the judge orders he will run away to his dad.

i am heartbrokern its like he has been brainwashed and has no compassion or love for me.
i am so scared that i have lost him for ever and dont know what to do.where has my baby gone and how has this happened.
someone please tell me how to help him because if his dad keeps him i will never be able to get him any help.
has anyone on here faced anything of the same and what did you do

  • blondecazza
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10 Mar 15 #457647 by blondecazza
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I think all you can do is reassure your son that you love him.
I''m not sure what the court will decide but it seems clear that your son''s wishes are to live with his dad.
With the contact you do get just keep telling him you love him no matter what his behaviour gets like xx

  • Mitchum
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11 Mar 15 #457695 by Mitchum
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Hi mumof3,
It must have been very painful for you to write that post and it''s difficult to know how to advise you. I can only imagine the heartache you''re feeling. There are other wikis who have experienced similar and hopefully will read your post and respond.

Your ex may well be working behind the scenes to convince your child to stay with him but he loves him too. It is hard for you to accept that not only is he rejecting you and gone to his Dad, but when he visits he''s so confrontational. Could his behaviour possibly be the outward sign of the inner turmoil he''s feeling at being torn between the two of you?

I think you''re grieving and you need to recognise the pain and grieve for the loss you''re feeling. You will need help with this I think, so perhaps talk to your GP about counselling. Relate offer counselling for families and/or for children so it may be worth getting some help at least for yourself to try to come to terms with what''s happening. Your son is almost certainly going to need help too. You say you won''t be able to help him if he''s with his Dad but his school is going to notice he needs help and will be able to action that.

Protect yourself emotionally when he visits. His behaviour is unacceptable but he''s lashing out because he''s actually not in control of his own emotions.

Try not to think in terms of losing him and get your thoughts together of how you will present your perspective on the day. Make notes to take with you so you won''t get flustered and lose your trend of thought.

Whatever the outcome, you will need to grieve and think. . . . just try to keep your chin up and try to be strong.

  • mumof 3
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11 Mar 15 #457747 by mumof 3
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thanks so much for your reply.
he came to visit again last night and spent the entire 4 hours berating me and had me in floods of tears.
his 13 year old sister laughed as he was shouting abuse at me .i just dont understand what is going on in their heads at all .

the more i try to do for them the less they respect me and i am getting to the point of no return.
i dont want to put on here how foul the abuse is but it is certainly not what an 11 year old boy should be saying.
he said no one was coming to see me on mothers day and that he would buy me a gun because no of them cared about me.
i am at a loss as to what to do as if he does come back how am i going to handle him .

its like all the love and care that i have lavished on them in their lives has been wiped out of their minds and they have no love or empathy for me at all.

no one i speak to has faced this situation and i am at a loss as to what to do next.
my heart is in bits i dont recoginise my babies any more.

  • MrsMathsisfun
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11 Mar 15 #457749 by MrsMathsisfun
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Its sounds like he is enjoying the power of making you hurt.

When he is shouting abuse what are doing? I would be walking away and not letting him see you hurting.

Dont expect empathy. Children especially teenagers are extremely ego centric and unable to sympathise.

  • blondecazza
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11 Mar 15 #457751 by blondecazza
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Firstly it doesn''t sound like these are the words from your son''s mouth.
As your stbx is behaving so poorly towards you your son will be picking up all those signs.
You must take back control and you must keep your emotions under control..However much he tries to hurt you remember they are only words.
If he is rude and your daughter joins in ask your daughter to go to her room so she can''t join in.

  • MrsMathsisfun
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11 Mar 15 #457754 by MrsMathsisfun
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Have to disagree slightly with BC. Dont assume its coming from dad. Your son might be acting out there also but dads could be dealing with it better.

like any bullying behaviour it will continue whilst you show weakness. Stand up to it and it will stop.

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