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court next month unreasonable ex

  • aliceinwonderland02
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19 Jan 16 #472648 by aliceinwonderland02
Topic started by aliceinwonderland02
ok so basically this is a long story but ill try to keep it as short as possible .
my ex partner was emotionally abusive, refused to help with anything whilst pregnant, called me names, shouted at me at consultant appts, climbed my garden fence and shouted abuse at me, scared my kids while in my house with his aggressive nature and sudden outburts.
our child was planned, my 4th his first . he is 36 and no long term relationships previous. got scared and panicked when i fell pregnant and his behaviour became extremely temperamental and nasty.
Anyway we broke up and as i was a month away from giving birth i asked he didnt contact me and let me get through last few weeks stress and argument free. He hated this as he lost control . I gave birth to a healthy baby boy last aug and although the birth was traumatic i was fine.
I let my ex know when he was born, let him come and meet his son the following day and he visited three times in forst week.
On the 7th day he was holding him and let his head flop, i asked him to pass baby back and he lost temper , stood up arms waving and started getting defensive and nasty. My other children were in house 10/14. he called me names said i was an evil ***** etc etc and slammed door. i asked him if he could apply to court as i wasnt happy with him coming to my home acting this way , scaring my kids and stressing myself out putting my health at risk ( risk of heamorraging)
We went to mediation in december and he constantly interuppted the mediator, refused to listen to my opinion, compromising was just not an option with him .
He is asking that he sees my son who is now 4 months, daily, 4pm-6pm , picking him up and taking him to his sisters/mums house.
I have arranged that he sees him fortnightly in a contact center where it is neutral surroundings, i feel safe and have no contact with him, he builds up some confidence with the baby , learns some parenting skills and builds a bond with our son who he didnt see from 7 days to 4 months.
I am exclusively breastfeeding and on the last 2 visits , the staff have had to bring the baby back to me after an hr or less as he has got upset and hungry. i feed and change him before we go but im convinced he just misses me and wants reasurrance and to feel safe back with me .
He is taking me to court to have them rule against the contact center and to have the baby daily even though the visits have proved i need to remain close to him at all times for now .
His family have been abusive to me and also his neices have been bullying my 14y as they attend same school. Me taking the baby to his sisters isnt an option . Having the baby here isnt an option as i promised my other children i wouldnt let him back in the house again .

I also have every reason to believe he is still smoking cannabis heavily as he has done for most of his teen/adult life, he is now 36.

* He got sacked from him previously employment for smoking cannabis whilst managing a night shift. This is making me think he shouldnt have parental responsibilty as he uses drugs whilst in a position of responsibilty.

*He also had a suspended sentance for assualting a female police officer so i have always been worried he could turn violent but have managed to leave or ask him to leave or been in public to prevent that happening.

*he also left a man to die last april after seeing a crash car and failing to stop, chose not to report the incident and in the news the day after i found out the man had died shortly after my ex drove past. This is making me think and worry extremely that if an incident happened where my son would need emergency medical help he wouldnt be competent of reacting appropriatly !
I have also said that after he has been weaned and not so dependant on myself (12-18 months) and that a firm bond has been built then possible unsupervised access may be considered with the added reassurance of drug testing.

He has been ringing my midwife and harrasing her for information even when she tld him she cant discuss me with him , he rang my solicitors ( got a free consultation) to find out if i went( thinks im lying about EVERYTHING) how much i paid and what they told me ! also has told me he has people watching me and telling him everything !
I have CAFCASS doing a phone interview tmw and i know i shouldnt but i cant help but panick .

what are the chances of him having unsupervised access?

What are the chances of them looking into his drug related dismissal?

what are the chances of them looking into his violent charges against him in past?

Would they allow the contact to remain at contact center for 12-18 months?

Would ih ave the drug testing refused?

do you think i have enough facts to warrant a anti-molestation order so no furthur contact can be made ?

thanks for reading i know its long but i feel like im in the middle of a huge tornado at the minute and i want it to stop :(

  • TBagpuss
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20 Jan 16 #472687 by TBagpuss
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what are the chances of him having unsupervised access?

Long term - pretty high, partocualrly if he has family members with more experience with small children than him, to support him.

What are the chances of them looking into his drug related dismissal?

Zero. You can raise the concenr about him *currently* using drugs, and they may look into that, but they will not look at whathappened in relation to a priave employ,ent matter in the past.

what are the chances of them looking into his violent charges against him in past?

The initial welfare checks carried out by CAFCASS will include both your detaisl with the police nad probation, so the court will have, at or before the first appointmetn, a letter confirming what, if any, convictions either of you has.

Would they allow the contact to remain at contact center for 12-18 months?

That would be up to the court, but probably not. In most cases, a contact centre is a short term arrangement. And if the contact centre is only available fortnightly then a court is likely to be sympathetic to a wish to move away from that, as for a very young child, 2 weeks between contacts is a very long time. Looking for daily contact is unlikely to be realistic, but for a 4 month old child, contacts twice a week might be more approruiate so that the baby can bond with his dad.

Would i have the drug testing refused?

I''m not sure what you mean. Drug testing is not very common in private law cases, and it is expensive. A court may be willingto include a condition on contact that that the contact not take place if he is, or appears to be, under the influcence when he arrives for contact.



do you think i have enough facts to warrant a anti-molestation order so no furthur contact can be made ?

It depends - has he continued to harass you or come to your house? If he does, then you may have grounds for an injuction, if he is phoning or texting you ou can tell him not to do so and then log this with the police as harassment if it continues.

You won''t get a non-molestation order based on how he behaved 3-4 months ago if that behaviour has now stopped.

I understand why you don''t want him coming to your home.

I would suggest that you start to think about other options. Do you have any family of friends who might be willing to help? (Sometimes, an arrangment whereby someone such as your mum or sister lets him have contact at their home, or in their presence in a public place, can be a way forward)

You could also ask about any local resources such as a family centre, where there might be spaces where contact could take place. Are there any local parent and child / dad and baby groups near you? if so, you could propose that you bring baby to the class and leave him there with his dad - dad would get time with baby in a safe environment, plus the opportunity to learn from, and bond with, other parents. Ask your health visitor about possible groups or venues. And it would also mean that you didn''t have to meet him - or, at worst, that only only saw him very briefly, and in the safety of a public place with lots of other people around.

Did you report ny of his previous behaviour to the police at the time? You could still contact Women''s Aid or your local Domestic Violence Support group for support and advice

It''s reasonable for your breastfeeding to be taken into account in looking at howlong any contact lasts, but obviously your son will be starting to move on from exclusive breast milk in the fairly near future.

  • aliceinwonderland02
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20 Jan 16 #472700 by aliceinwonderland02
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thankyou for taking time to read and reply.

I had CAFCASS phone interview today and i think it went well. He had spoke to my ex already and he basically admitted to using cannabis but quit last june. He has agreed to the drug testing , agreed to parenting classes and the cafcass officer is putting in his report that he strongly suggests that ex has anger management.
ex told him that we had argued alot and i explained that he was abusive and agressive all of which my children had witnessed and had happened when baby was 7 days old , after which i refused to have him at my house and the officer said he agrees and will state in report that contact should remain at contact center for a good few more months until all courses/programmes are completed and my son is weaned from breastfeeding.
He suggested that i apply for a anti molestation order due to the abusive messages i have got, the fact he contacts my health care providers , solicitors and friends for information on me and said " i know what your up to dont worry about that people been telling me " oh and the fact he climbed my fence and i now and anxious and paranoid he has been watching me.
The criminal conviction for assulating the police constable was brought up but as there is no pattern to his behaviour and it was just the once on record it may not be used against him .
I feel relieved that they are going to support my ex in making changes in his attitude towards me for my sons best interests and to gain parental experience and confidence
i am hoping this report is made as he described to me today and that communication between myself and my ex can improve for the sake of my sons future :)
thankyou for advice and i shall return after court hearing on the 9th :)

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