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First hearing 3 weeks, lying absent , cafcass.Help

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03 Apr 16 #476297 by Froggie72
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Anybody in the UK had a First hearing dispute resolution appointment with their ex narcissist who hasn''t bothered with the children for a long time? Mine has been over a year and now he is taking me to court in 3 weeks and his application says im not letting him see them and he wants joint custody of our 4 year old daughter and 7 year old daughter. I''m scared but trying to stay strong. The irony is that he can''t be bothered with them and frequently let them down and snatched 3 hours every fortnight when he did see them 2 years ago. All to suit his busy social life. He has never bothered with any school related things even sports day or Christmas plays which he has been invited to. Never even seen our children on their birthdays due to other apparent commitments. I know he will lie to CAFCASS and in court. He only applied to court 2 days after I advised him I was going to CMS as he wanted to drop maintenance by 100 a month. What do i do?

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03 Apr 16 #476298 by WYSPECIAL
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Just tell the court that you are perfectly happy for him to see them and the efforts you have made to ensure that he does.

What is he specifically looking for? Is it agreeable or do you have an alternative suggestion?

Whether or not he bothers to keep up the contact is beyond you. You can only encourage and support it and hope that he does.

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03 Apr 16 #476299 by Froggie72
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Well it''s all game playing to get to me with him but he has written joint custody. But I am more than happy for something to be put in place because before I left it too open and said he could see and call etc when he wanted but he didn''t bother. I have email proof for what it''s worth and I know he will lie through his teeth. I''m scared of losing my children for a week at a time to somebody who clearly doesnt care. I know he will be playing the poor doting dad routine somehow though.

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03 Apr 16 #476300 by flowerofscotland
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Hi Froggie72,

I went through the same process, over many years, dealing with a narcissistic ex husband. My X''s behaviour got so bad, I ended up having 5 Court Orders against him, including a power of arrest. The children got to the age and due to their Father''s behaviours that they have had nothing to do with him at their own choices, for the last 5 years. Very, very sad.

Fast forward 6 years and I will say, had my X played a fair ''game'', with the welfare and interests of his children at heart and not his own, I would have had a bit of a life. Being a single parent with no assistance from any family or friends is tough, time is the only thing that teaches you that.

I was put into a situation where my X lied constantly in Court at the Child Welfare Hearings, where my children''s safety was in question because of his behaviours, he ''played'' this game for about 3 years wasting Court, Solicitors and my own time. This could have all been avoided if he had adopted an attitude that incorporated compromise and negotiation and real genuine love and concern for his family. He thought his arrogant, me, myself and I attitude, would be his saving grace, how wrong he was, his arrogance was his biggest downfall but even 6 years down the line he has never shown any remorse or regret.

What I am trying to say is, during every Court hearing, never be waivered by anything, keep your love and interests of your children your number one priority. Don''t get sucked into mind games, be honest, sincere and genuine at all times. Be guided by your legal counsel and don''t let him get to you emotionally in front of the Court process, he may try and make you feel vulnerable and weak. Take all emotion out of the time that you can, you can cry a river later on in the privacy of your own home. Think of an agreeable long term outcome if you can, you need a life too, and make your X realise that he too has to be accountable as a parent.

It is a tough process, one that will test your strength, but dig deep, find an inner strength you never knew you had, and you will get through it. Your primary focus is the needs of your children and ultimately what is best for them. Remember that their needs change as they get older so you must be aware of this too. Your X''s behaviour whilst in Court, may be typically narcissistic, butter would not melt maybe, be prepared for this possibly and conduct yourself with as much dignity and grace as you can. You can only control your own behaviour, not the behaviours of others.

Good luck and take care for now FoS x

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03 Apr 16 #476301 by Froggie72
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Wow thank you FoS. Such wise words but the problem is everytime I talk about it even to my solicitor I can''t help the years. I have no idea how I will get through the next 3 weeks never mind the actual day. I''m still waiting for CAFCASS to call and I have written down pointers which made me feel a bit more at ease but it''s just the uncertainty of what he will be lying about. I''m so emotional and he knows it. How the heck do i not lose it on the day? I mean lose it as in not cry not as in physically lose it?
You sound so strong and like you have finally come out the other side. I''m also worried about money and solicitors as I really dont have it in me to represent myself but have worked out that I could manage to pay for my solicitor to come to this first one with me and potentially another 2 then it would be bank loans credit cards and selling things and remortgaging my house. I''m walking in the night worrying and crying myself back to sleep. I''m full on focusing on the children until they go to bed and I stupidly keep googling and seeing horror stories about the whole process and cafcass etc.
I really admire you for finding your inner strength. You''re amazing. Ps sorry for the waffle.

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03 Apr 16 #476303 by flowerofscotland
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Hi Froggie72,

I, like many on Wiki, have been where you are in the midst of this Tsunami, you will survive it. Remember get your ducks in a row, keep as calm as you can, remain focused as well as dignified and you will get through it, believe me.

If your X has any sense, he will see that this is a serious process and being responsible, accountable as well as a concerned and genuine parent is what the Courts will be looking to establish. Don''t worry about him and what he will say and do, he is no longer of your concern, trying to preempt narcissistic behaviour is impossible, so forget him. Concentrate on being your own best friend, be there focusing on the children, that''s all that matters. He may have his case of verbal diarrhoea, my X certainly did, let him dig himself a hole!

Go there, be prepared, be concise and factual and make sure your legal team are prepped. If you can not afford to let this process drag out go with the aim that it won''t. Batten down the hatches, do your homework and get yourself armed with the facts. Don''t let him bully you, stand up for truth and honesty and never lose sight of the best interest for the children. The Courts will decide, they have seen his types before. Don''t let your X intimidate you, if you do he has won and that''s all it is to them is a game!!

Take care for now FoS x

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03 Apr 16 #476305 by Froggie72
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Thank you. You make a lot of rational sense. Think I need you with me lol x

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