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Flexibility in Child arrangements

  • MisguidedMissile
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04 Sep 13 #406289 by MisguidedMissile
Topic started by MisguidedMissile
Hi all,

I''m just getting to the point where my solicitor is going to file papers, and on telling my wife, she''s started battening down hatches, despite me going to every end I can to be friendly and civil.

I also recently suggested that I could do with some time by myself, I work mon-fri and then have the kids weds night, and then Friday night to Sunday night every single week. Which is generally great by me, but I need to have some daytime time to myself. My wife, who I pay for completely (save for child benefit she also gets) and doesn''t work, has had more days to herself in the summer holidays than I will have all year... If I ask to have a weekend to myself I''m lambasted as a bad father, putting myself in front of them.

So, these two things have combined into her "offering" to let me only have them every other weekend, and not during the week at all. Tonight is the first mid week I''ve not had them in 18 months save for maybe 2 "selfish" changes to the schedule.

I''m not about to agree to only have them 3 nights in 14, but the biggest part, what I''m really asking about is that she wants this arrangement to be UTTERLY immovable. That unless one of us it literally puking everywhere, or something like that, will will exchange kids to the minute and never ever ever deviate. I''ve a feeling that she is suggesting I drop the kids at school on a monday morning purely to disrupt my well paid career as an IT contractor, which could otherwise leave me needing to leave for work at 6am to stay away for the week etc.

This just seems INSANE to me. She''s a very controlling person and when she feels like she''s in a corner she comes out fighting so fiercely.

She maintains that it''s a dreadful and unacceptable upheaval in their life if it just so happens that we swap weekends a couple of times a year etc. But whilst of course the kids need to understand how their life works, and it''s predictable and reliable to a given extent, they go on holidays, they go stay with grandparents... their life changes already.

Obviously it''s possible to abuse flexibility and be pretty shitty, but I''m not looking for anything earth shaking. So far this entire year she''s had the kids for 2 weekends, and in October there will be 2 more. This is apparently unacceptable to her.

If anyone has any thoughts on what is or isn''t appropriate in terms of flexibility in an arrangement I''d be really glad to hear from you. ta

  • Lostboy67
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04 Sep 13 #406293 by Lostboy67
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If you are going to have a 50:50 arrangement it is essential that there is a degree of flexibility. I have been doing this for the last 18 months or so, the ''usual'' arrangement was set out and if possible this is stuck to, but there is always occasions where some degree of flexibility is required and so far this has worked OK. We both work so there are times when work pressures demand that the usual arrangement needs to be tweeked a little.
Your request to have some weekends for yourself is not unreasonable and its a little surprising that your s2bx does not want any weekends as these are times when you can do ''fun'' things with the kids. My arrangement is essentially every other weekend but the kids spend the first half of every week with me so Sat-Tue one week Sun-Tue the next week, this gives us both time at weekends with the kids or not.


  • MisguidedMissile
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05 Sep 13 #406331 by MisguidedMissile
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When we first split up, (I thought) we had arranged for her to have them every other Sunday, after her protestations that I''d get to be the "fun" parent, and she wouldn''t. Somehow she soon forgot that she said this, and has had just about every weekend to herself for over a year. She decided I was trying to dump the kids on her for my own benefit when I presumed she''d like to wake up to them on Mothering Sunday. WTF??

It''s just that she seems to think being rigid is the best option. In everything. Despite us having not fallen out, she insists only communicating over email now as it''s got more "clarity"... to which I saw that''s just nonsense outside of a legal trail with missed nuances of language etc.

She seems to think that what''s best for the children is being put FIRST in a second by second literal basis. Rather than, as my therapist suggested, being brought up in a happy environment with happy people caring for them in positive ways. Maybe that''s why I got my little girl sleeping perfectly well at my house with a small amount of "tough love" yet she sleeps terribly, and in her mum''s bed when not at mine.

I need flexibility to an extent and I think she''s fighting against that for reasons that only really exist in her strange head.

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