Collaboration - any experiences to share?

My wife moved to 'trial separation' before totally changing her mind, so that is what I am pushing for. I suspect that it'll end in divorce which is why I want to get all the finances in order now, but I'm willing to give it a go on a trial basis just in case I (we) feel differently once I get my independence back again. In a nut-shell, neither my wife nor I are happy in the marriage anymore, so why prolong the inevitable!

As far as I know, spousal maint will not come into it as we earn roughly the same (unless you know different?). The house is paid for but I have suggested she gets a mortgage to buy me out, which I will then add to with another mortgage in order to buy another house. We have two teenage children but they'll cope - I did when I was their age and my parent's divorce was not amicable.

I have posted elsewhere but felt that I should share some experiences. separation was done without any legal ratification to the sep agreement as my wife did not want to pay for a solicitor but my wife then agreed in order to limit costs that we should use the collaboration process for our divorce. I initiated process last december but my wife then refused to approach a solicitor as she "couldnt afford it". she was then told that she could get legal aid so approached a solicitor I provided my financial disclosure then my wifes application for Leg aid was turned down as she had too much equity in her house ( i bought that for her as part of sep agreement) She is now not participating because she cannot afford it.

Im in limbo and do not know what to do next. my own solicitor seems unable to advise me or to get things moving. Unless I now agree to meet my wifes legal costs the whole process is stalled unless - I guess - I decide to go to court.

My advice is to make sure that both parties are happy and able to go to the collaborative process. So far I have paid £1000 for failed mediation prior to separation and now around £800 to my solicitor for mainly dealing with emails and I have got nowhere. My faith in the legal process ( breakdown was not my fault either) is shattered so far. I would however still like to do this collaboratively and agree a fair settlement. Bm

Both parties in our Scottish case were happy to go down collaboration route Jan 2008. Stock markets crashed and husband now most unwilling to settle at original plans - I even have original handwritten proposalsmade by him. In current economic climate I would now hesitate very, very much going down this route, unless you are the richer of the married pair. As a result the uncertainty does take its mental toll even when we are debt free and our kids will still be comfortably off...... Cheers

Frankie DG

I would just add that in Scotland most divorce settlements are haggled through lawyers and even with traditional advocacy it isn't at all uncommon for negotiations to go on for a couple of years or longer. You would then be left with the same problem.

I just thought I'd post to say that after all my research and investigation into the best way to do things, I wrote everything down in a business-like proposal and, doing my best to keep my emotions to a minimum, I presented everything to my wife. By this time I had already started looking at alternative properties and in short I was fully prepared - indeed expecting - to split and I accepted the consequences.

This took my wife by surprise and all of a sudden the grim reality of the situation hit home. She then totally changed her mind about wanting to separate, and made huge efforts to change and be more tolerant. One year later and our marriage is still going strong. She says I've also made an effort to change but I'm not aware of doing anything different - I've always tried to be tolerant and understanding. Whatever (I'm bound to see things differently), things are looking good.

The moral of this particular story is that my wife wanted the split and I called her bluff. It wasn't a game from my perspective - I meant everything I did and said - but had I been calculating a strategy then I would have been calling her bluff. From this position of acceptance and strength (of mind), the situation took a turn and all has ended well.

My advice: go about the process of divorce in as level-headed and unemotional a way as you can, and remain open to any opportunity to patch things up. Each to their own, but it worked for me

That's excellent news. Congratulations.