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How many homes do they have

  • MrsMathsisfun
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28 May 12 #333502 by MrsMathsisfun
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its hard, my partner had a slightly different version which was when they lived 50/50 shared care. The children precieved they had no home. Just daddys house and mummys house.

The children found 50/50 shared care difficult so the contact was changed slightly to 70/30 in mums favour. The children now consider mums house home and dads house home.

Just tell them they live with mummy x amount of time in their mummy home and x amount of time in their daddy home.

You cant change the ex but you can stop the battling over labels.

  • Mitchum
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28 May 12 #333505 by Mitchum
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Your children are very young and don''t understand the concept yet of having two equal homes. Your ex is being puerile/vindictive but the children will want to believe what both parents tell them. Parents are the ultimate authority for young children.

I would concentrate on making your home somewhere they know is theirs without you having to make a big issue of it. As jslgb says can they choose things like colour schemes for their rooms at your home? Display their art work and if there''s a garden let them have their own areas to tend so when they return they can see how their plants have grown since their last visit.

It''s more about what they do when they''re with you. Make it fun and memorable; let them paint,read stories, sing songs - if they leave full of the things you''ve been doing and singing songs they''ve sung with you, they''re going to carry that fun with them all the way back to their ''other'' home! They won''t forget you!

  • stepper
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28 May 12 #333511 by stepper
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With a shared residence it means that the children do have two homes. I believe CAFCASS put an emphasis on this as they believe that the children are re-assured knowing that both parents are able and willing to offer the children a home.

  • Fiona
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28 May 12 #333516 by Fiona
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Separated parents are under a duty to deflect conflict and shield children as much as possible. Adults have enough difficulties dealing with the issues and children are the innocent bystanders. Children aren''t equipped to handle these things and separated parents owe it to them not to involve them in the cross-fire. Young children just need to know the time it has been decided they will spend with each parent and reassured that both parents love them. They don''t need lots of detail. One parent telling them one thing and the other telling them something else is confusing and exposes them to things they shouldn''t have to deal with.

  • Enuff Already
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28 May 12 #333527 by Enuff Already
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Oh well at least I know I am doing my DUTY by deflecting conflict and sheilding my children. The issue is my children are not being allowed to call my house ''home'' by their mother (obviously NOT doing her duty eh?). As I said, it does not bother me how my kids see my home but it obviously bothers the two eldest. I have not said "what mommy says is not true" I haven''t said anything. But I don''t want is my kids thinking daddy never says anything about anything so he musn''t care. I wanted to know what I should tell them to reassure them but after all the comments on here I guess I won''t tell them anything. They are very free in my home, they chose how to decorate the bedroom (three share the main bedroom as I only have a two bed house as I couldn''t afford a three bed house) so I needed their input into a room they would all be happy with, they each chose their own bedding too. I also have a lovely drawing of a balloon man on my radiator and kites on my hall wall, a hopskotch on my patio along with several paintings on my larder door. They have a rabbit here (a black rabbit called snowy - guess you can tell they named it too, but guess who gets to clean him out). The ground I had to give to make sure my kids wouldn''t be affected more any more than they already are is insurmountable. I stopped fighting for more contact as the kids were being used as messengers and being told so many lies, I settled for a fraction of what I wanted and now concentrate on quality and I live for my week in the summer. One week and I get the kids all to myself. I took a huge step back for the sanity of my kids, I have and always will put them first.

  • C. J.
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28 May 12 #333532 by C. J.
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Legally Enuff Already does have a shared residence order that permits that the children have two homes.

Yes some people do see this more as a ''status'' and not too much emphasis should be put on this as like people have said, its what you do with the children at the home that counts i.e. making it as welcoming for them as possible.

I think the point he is trying to make is that it is unfair that the ex is trying to undermine him. My fiance is still experiencing this same thing and it''s so frustrating as you want to reassure the children and let them know they have stability at your home too without trying make it a big deal or making them feel like they are in the middle of tug of war.

All I can suggest is that you continue as you are, don''t bring it up unless they do as you don''t want to feel like you are putting pressure on them and when they do ask questions just remind them of the good things that they do when they are at your home. The older they get, the more they will understand the concept of sharing their time between homes.

The children associate our house with High School Musical as they don''t watch it at nmums. They are obsessed with it but they enjoy staying at ours because they have a tv in their room and can sing along to the soundtrack all day if they wanted to!

I personally love it and join in...much to my fiance''s dismay! :laugh::laugh:

Enuff Already - I''ve PM''d you a recommenced read!:)

  • jonathancj
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28 May 12 #333536 by jonathancj
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I think this argument over what time with you is called is almost certainly more important to the adults than to the children. I can see that you are offended by the singular determination with which their mother is seeking every avenue to marginalise you. However, children are far more in tune with the reality, as you have already discovered, than the terminology. They feel that they are partly living with you and want that to continue. Ultimately, whatever spin adults put on this, it''s the children who are happy to be with you.

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