My eldest daughter wont speak to me

I''m sorry to read of your plight in not being in contact with your children. I think it''s true that children feel rejected too when one partner leaves. They were very young the last time they saw you, so it will be very strange for them to think of meeting you again. In fact the child who was only 3 at the time possibly doesn''t even remember that. So step carefully and very slowly when you''ve managed to reinstate contact.

The following are just some random thoughts which occur to me when thinking of your situation.

As others have said, communicate with them in anyway you can. Send birthday cards and gifts. Perhaps start to put some money in a savings account for them. Anything positive you can think of which will make the meetings easier and make you feel better.

Why not begin to collect things which will give you something to talk about in your first meetings? Have you kept any of their drawings from that time? Do you have some photographs of you and the children? Maybe buy some books for you to read to them and some little toys. It will be painful but it will keep you focused on the fact that you mean to pursue this until you''re successful.

It might be an idea if you took an interest in their school life too. Introduce yourself to the Head and ask for school reports. Show that you want to know how they''re doing and it will mean you can praise and admire stuff they are involved in. It will also give you the bigger picture of things they enjoy. You can make an appointment at the school to discuss their progress bearing in mind that the school authorities will want verification of your status as father.

It''s a tough call and you must continue to be very patient and very resilient. It''s not going to be easy to slot back into their lives just because an order says you may see them again.

Hope all goes well for you because your children need to know you.

Mitcham

Sorry to high jack this thread - I have exceeded my daily allowance on messages so will send in the morning.

Sorry for interrupting the thread.xx

Sorry desperate Dad - I hadn''t meant it as a comment on your particular separation.

I feel your anguish. I also have a child I haven''t seen for sometime.

And that was really what I was getting at (and with no reference to your case in particular.)

Is it possible, if people who had not yet got to the desperate situation of breaking up their families knew of the anguish it would cause, earlier in the relationship, then could more be done to save it?

It''s a thought - but I read a lot about unhappy people on here (I suppose by definition) and the unintended consequences of divorce on partners, parents and children and I suppose I wish (probably without realism) that some of it could be stopped.

On a more positive note, I hope your own relationship with your daughter improves. I am occasionally snippy but I had not meant to be on this occasion.

sc

desperatedad - I''m very sorry to read such a sad post, it sounds a hellish situation to be in.

Your dtr knows that she is wanted and valued by her father; don''t undersell the importance of that. She may well a hold her head a little higher throughout her life because of that. You are doing all you can do, a lot of men would have thrown in their cards by now, it seem a thankless job but your a good dad.

My feeling is that the real issue is not your new ptr but the distress displayed from her mum and the pressure to show loyalty and mirror what she thinks is expected of her.

It''s probably a stupid question. But is there any chance of engaging with the mum (mediation? and reducing her opposition to things?