Any pointers for a desperate father...

Hi there,

Am really sorry for a long post, I just need to get it out as am lost...

My ex is brain washing my son, he is six. He used to enjoy every minute of contact with his paternal family, but since turn of the year the mother has gone to extreme to poison his mind. Now he has mood swings, and says horrible things what the mother has taught him. He will say those things for 30 minutes and then be OK for an hour or so and then back to that mode again, happening on regular intervals. My son is saying things that no six year old should ever say i.e. I hope you die, have an accident, I hate you all for what you did to my mother, when I grow up I will tell court that I don’t want to see you etc....

I have a court order which states that both parties should speak positively about each other etc. However, the ex is always making false allegations without any proof every other week i.e. clothing not washed, me not spending time with him etc. The mother is at constant attempts to reduce my contact time by making false allegations, filling his time with activities etc. The ex is getting legal aid whereas I’m privately paying and I’m now having to borrow money of friends. After my bills expenditure, I don’t have much left and it’s causing problems as I too have a family to feed. The ex is just being difficult, as she has done so for the past 5 years in hope I’ll give up on my son.

I have thousands of videos and pictures over last 5 years that shows he has absolutely loved it with us but now he has started to say these things. The CAFCASS officer didn’t have any concerns over me, my family or my son in his report– done few years ago. I spoke to the school recently and they state that they too have concerns about the mother behaviour and I should speak to social services, solicitor and court. The social services won’t do anything and state that I should speak to solicitor and the court. The solicitor has just given up, stating she is just difficult and I have learn to live with it. The ex tried to get police onto me few times to cause problems and each time no action was taken as I did nothing wrong.

The ex’s solicitor has now applied for mediation, she has to go through that before she can go to court to vary the current order as she is on legal aid. The ex won’t listen to solicitors, police, social services, school, the existing court order, what makes them think that mediation is going to do anything apart from hit me hard in the pocket. I am not also prepared to pay for mediation as I am already paying solicitor fees, £200 an hour, also court fees and application fees etc.

Any ideas would be appreciated as I am really exhausted and almost defeated with this B*LLSH*T system. I don''t know what to do...

I do not accept that you have to learn to live with it for one reason only: It is not about YOU but about your son. Yes, as an adult you can get over it and learn to not mind her hostility and narrow-mindedness, but your son is being scarred for life, as we speak. I would certainly not learn to live with that.

I do not know if there is an option that the court would order a psychological evaluation of the child (something like a welfare report) where they will involve the school, too. Maybe for your next court hearing you convince the school to write a report itself about the concerns they have for the boy. I have heard that something like this might help.

If she is not complying with the court orders why is not brought again before the judge for contempt of the court?

I feel for you and your son. This situation should be very difficult for your of you but especially for him. How can people bring children to this world just to destroy them? In the name of love...

I also do not understand how social services and CAFCASS cannot do anything as they state. I have a 6 year old boy who has a lot of 6 year old friends. I have never heard any of them saying things like that. If I did I would be seriously concerned about their emotional welfare and it is not even my job to do so.

My best wishes to you both and hang in there, I am sure there is a way to solve this.

It''s not possible to force an unreasonable ex to be reasonable. Any attempts to force the other parent to change their behaviour is likely to be met with resentment and resistance. All you can do is look to your own behaviour and establish emotional and physical boundaries.

The first thing to consider is whether or not you are unwittingly contributing to the situation. For example rejected parents or their new partners are sometimes very restrictive, preoccupied or denigrate the other parent. Children can be put off contact if they witness angry exchanges between parents or they may find contact unrewarding or boring. It''s easier to change your own behaviour than someone else''s and a rejected parenting changing their own behaviour is sometimes the best way to bring about change.

Secondly adopt strategies to minimise the effects of the other parent''s denigration. Ensuring children know you love them unconditionally and your door is always open. Not reacting to negative things the child says the other parent has said about you or your new family. If you have a new family spending time on your own with the children from the first relationship. Sharing stories and photos of the times you and the children spent together before the family split and generally encouraging children to see things for themselves.

The next thing is to try Parenting Information Programmes which provides information about the problem in a non blaming way and encourages parents to put the needs of their children and work together.

What is the mediation for and are court proceedings and CAFCASS involvement ongoing? There is now an expectation that in most cases parents attend a Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting before a court will hear a case.

My solicitor is saying the same thing, you cannot force the court to change the ex, it’s not going to happen, and she is always going to be difficult as she has done so for the past five years.

My son is excellent with my new partner and half sibling. In fact they get on better than my son gets on with me - which is also great. We never talk negative about the ex or try to brain wash him like the ex is doing. We only have him on alternating weekend, which is two nights compared to mother who has 12.

We try to tell him not to talk bad like that, he always says he wants to because he is big and understands things and it’s not the mother who is teaching him - which clearly she is. Everything we say which is positive does not register with him, just ignores us. We don''t react to his ill talk but it is becoming sad and on the increase.

There is no CAFCASS involvement, they were involved two years ago and all was reported well. The mother is making false allegations and trying to vary the contact now, the mediation is for this. She really wants to go to court but has no choice because of legal aid.

I cannot see mediation helping apart from hitting me hard in the pocket, she is stubborn and am not prepared to pay for a service which is going to be useless as I can’t afford it. I already pay for solicitor, each letter response is costing me approx £200, and will have to pay court if we end up there, am 100% sure we will so I need to save up for that. In the past the ex will never agree to anything in court or with solicitors so it always been the judge to decide - which mostly resulted in my favour. So why mediation would help, you cannot negotiate with a person who doesn''t not want to negotiate and just wants it their way.

Am just thinking of cancelling the mediation appointment and apply for court hearing...

There is an expectation now that all cases not just legal aid ones go to a MIAM apart from in a few exceptional circumstances. Although mediation costs money it can be a cheaper way of finding out what can be agreed, what might be agreed and identifying the outstanding issues that can''t be agreed than exchanging solicitors letters even if no final agreement is reached.

It would be reasonable to raise the concerns of the school and that may prompt the judge to ask CAFCASS for a welfare report to see if any light can be shone on the root cause of the problem. Poisoning a child''s mind isn''t that easy without it being obvious from their mannerisms and language. IF your son''s resistance isn''t based on real experiences which he can reasonably describe and rationalise further intervention and/or investigation is a possibility.

Hi,

I am roughly in the same boat and I expect to be in the same boat further down the line.

1) You do not need a solicitor. I simply bought the following books.

(a) "Family Courts Without a Lawyer : A Handbook for Litigants in Person", Lucy Reed
(b) "Children Act Private Law Proceedings : A Handbook" (3rd Edition), His Honour Judge John Mitchell
(c) "A Practical Guide to Family Law Proceedings" (5th Edition), District Judge robert Blomfield
(d) "Child Law : Essential Court Materials", His Honour Judge John Mitchell

If you can''t afford them, just simply borrow them from the library. I got all the book from either Ebay or Amazon (amazon is cheaper as u can get second hand). (a) is a really good intro but not enough depth. (b) is amazing and very detailed. (c) mostly covered by items in (b). (d) good for taking to court for easy reference.

My sol was £300 an hour + VAT so I know how you must feel But luckily she was very honest and exceptionally good at her job. She told me that the ex did not have a leg to stand on and a very weak case so I could take the case as LIP. My barrister was of the same opinion. Reason: way overboard on allegations.
As long as you have determination and patience to read these books from cover to cover, you will not go far wrong. Go through the books again and mark out pages and passages which strengthen your case.
Read the children act a few times. You only need to understand parts which apply to your case specifically.
Make your own detailed notes. Make notes on the notes (condensed).

Now you will be armed enough to take on any Sol or Barrister (as long as you have done nothing wrong and remained truthful and honest). Can''t help you otherwise

2) Find a good Mackenzie if you are not confident (cheaper than a sol).

3) Get advice from the forum. Lots of helpful people here.

4) Remain calm. Remain truthful and keep faith.

5) Try mediation... but if it does not work, you have a case of "Implacable Hostility". Court is the only route.

PIPs are good. If it still doesnt work, you have yourself a case of "Implacable Hostility". Your final option would be to apply for residence. Its all in book (b).

Good luck bruv.