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how should I handle this?

  • survive
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17 Jul 12 #343808 by survive
Topic started by survive
Hi Wiki''s,

Please may I have some of your advice?

Ex and I do not communicate other than via e.mail and sometimes text (very hostile relationship). Have 3 children 7,9 and 11. They , unfortunataley been caught up and exposed to things between ex and I that they shouldn''t e.g ex telling them he had to take mummy to court re: contact (even though he had it), ex telling them that he had to go to court re: money etc etc. This is all past, and I have tried to keep them out of it as much as possible as they shouldn''t be caught up in warring parents. Consequently their behaviour and emotional welfare have suffered at times. I have asked ex not to involve the children on many occasions, but it falls on deaf ears. So gave up quite a while ago. Latest communication is a s follows (all egneral things)

I text ex "please could you return xxx club t-shirt" for a sporting activity he does
ex leaves answer message for children " hi children, mummy has text me and asked me to return xxx t-shirt. Well it isn''t that daddy didn''t return it, it''s that you xxx forgot to pack it"

I text ex about where to meet re: open evening with children.
Ex replies via my eldest son, getting him tyo send a message from his mobile!
" mummy daddy said we will meet you outside xxx class"

I text ex " the xxxx event has been cxld this weekend" - (this was a fun event that he was taking children to, and I was letting him know it had been cancelled so as not to have a wasted journey"
Ex replied via my eldest again using his mobile, "mummy you sent daddy a message, what does cxld mean?"

Then daughter said this morning that I wouldn''t let daddy have the first 2 weeks of the summer holidays and that I had now made it difficult for daddy to take my eldest back to school in September!!!!
(there has been an ongoing dispute about who had which dates for the summer, which has finally been settled)
Howevere it would appear that ex has involved the children in this dispute, which I feel is not fair on them and they should not be involved.

How do I deal with this, he still continually uses the children as messengers and involves them in his vendetta against me. I feel sure he is trying to poison them against me. They are often very angry around me. I am worries what kind of adults they will grow up to be and how they may treat future partners, husbands, wives, with the relationship of their parenst as a role models!!!!!!

I would not be able to discuss this with him or even try and e.mail, as he would feel any form of communication as an attack. If I say black he says white. But how do I stop him involving the children. The eldest is starting a new school in Sep temeber and he doesn''t need this added pressure.

Also, I used to inform him of events re: the children by e.mail, as he kept telling them that he hadn''t been told. Now I leave the letters in their school bag, so they can tell him and he can see for himself, but he still keeps saying he hasn''t been told.
The children then blame me, as if it''s my job to tell their dad, then remind him etc etc.

I have told the children that daddy can read all their letters as thet stay in their bags, which he has access too also, but he still continues to say "I wasn''t told"

Anyway, thankyou


We have been split since Jan 2010, and I would say the communication has deteriated significantly.

  • survive
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17 Jul 12 #343816 by survive
Reply from survive
I forgot one text also

text from eldest "mummy please can you leave xxxx swimming kit in the garage"

my daughter wanted her swim kit for school, ex was taking her from overnight, and got eldest to text me to leave it out!!

  • Yummy_Mummy
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17 Jul 12 #343851 by Yummy_Mummy
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I can relate to this.

I was going to suggest a Contact Book which we have been using but he just needs any excuse to write sniding comments.

You can ask the school to send you a copy of all the letters.

Children are saying similar things to me as well and often don''t say anything as they are worried. It is always a nightmare after contact.

Sorry I don''t have answers but am in similar situation where kids are being used.

I find it really hard, sad and upsetting and you are really brave.

  • jaw
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17 Jul 12 #343857 by jaw
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I was once told by CAMHS that it was a backhanded compliment that my son got angry at my house but not at his Fathers. They said my son felt ''safe'' to express his emotions and that he knew my love was unconditional.
jaw :)

  • sexysadie
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17 Jul 12 #343865 by sexysadie
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I agree - with a controlling parent the children may not feel able to act out or express anger. So yes, they do it around you. It''s horrible, but you really do have to hang onto the fact that they do it because they can trust you to still love them.

Best wishes,

  • survive
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17 Jul 12 #343875 by survive
Reply from survive
thanks for your answers all, are there any suggestions as to how to try and prevent this though? Do you think I should talk to children and explain that I will not be using them to contact daddy, but that I do not want them to feel bad if he asks them to contact me?

With regards to the school, ex was supposed to leave SAE to school for all letters, but to be fair alot of them aren''t issues until last minute, so that is why I leave them in their bags. Or unless I know he miss something if it before he collects them i.e next day, in which case I would phone or text.

I am fed up with the children thinking ''it is my sole responsibility to tell their dad, when he has access to their bags, the internet website etc.... And then he uses me as his excuse, which the children then take out on me!


  • MrsMathsisfun
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17 Jul 12 #343877 by MrsMathsisfun
Reply from MrsMathsisfun
Personally I would email him with all the information rather than leave letters in their bag, so that when the children say something you can show them the email.

Saying ''''silly daddy forgot!!!''''

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