Thanks redroxy, sending hugs back to you. I am sorry things are tough for you too.
Can I ask if your ex has every weekend?, if so when/how do you involve your daughters in your life/your family etc?
I agree with you stability is needed, my challenge is balancing everything. I want our daughter to spend quality time with her Daddy, and plenty of it; but it is how to acheive this in the circumstances and have stability / less conflict (I don''t think there will ever be a time we never disagree).
I simply don''t know the best way to do this - and I am happy to do the handovers, as long as he controls himself. Numerous times my Father has had to intervene to prevent an ugly scene.
I may be naive but I hope for a change in the future, where we can get along. It is what our daughter wants the most.
I get you twiggy, (taking it the DV that is going on as a separate issue but certainly not demeaning the effects of it) you want to maintain good contact for your daughter with dad but you also want that quality time with her yourself. Every weekend with just one parent is not a good balance. You have offered good contact and it has been refused because it isnt what dad wants. I have been though the system and what your proposing is very reasonable and will be accepted as reasonable by the majority of judges. I dont think there is one father on here that has every weekend. Most get every other weekend with one mid week contact inbetween. That seems to be the norm.. so as a father I would be more than happy with what you are offering and yes it is reasonable. Handovers need to be in the best interests of your little girl, not dad, not you, so if dad cant control himself at handovers then you need to seriously look at third party handovers or very public places. (Local police station carpark might be a good one:-)
Enuff Already - thank you. I am glad it comes across that the DV is relevant, but does not change the fact our daughter needs a daddy. Many people have said to me - do everything you can to stop him seeing her, but I won''t - no matter what he does to me. As you say it is not about me or him - its about her. I honestly believe once his anger calms a bit, the issues (like the things he says to DD, the way he handles her ect) will reduce (lets face it no parent gets it right all the time - I know I don''t!) - he is just SO SO angry - he cannot see the wood for the trees.If I had left him, I would get it, as I would have forced this on him, but I would never have done this (stupid maybe) -he left and seems to think that I would just disappear of the face of the earth and he and his girlfriend would raise our DD. I am glad it sounds reasonable, much as I do truly feel everyone is a''loser'' in divorce - most of all the children - they can never have Mummy and Daddy together. I suppose I am a traditionalist and I would have stayed no matter what and tried to work it out. Unfortunately public places don''t really mean alot to him, he has assulted me in broad day light in a very public place - luckily a member of the public (not idea who they were but god bless them) helped me get away with DD. The only person he seems to be ''''bothered'''' about is my Father, no idea why, but he stops the minute Dad tells him to. So Dad is my best bet right now, or a contact centre. But, I want to avoid that, as my ex has said he will not see DD on principle if it has to be done there. I am worried because I did just change the pattern to alternate weekends, with time in the week.I don''t kmnow if a judge will see this as ''''not working with my ex'''' - but this was on the advice of childrens services. They felt that either I changed it, or it just went on forever, as he was never going to agree to it. I offer up all possible extra contact (like when I have to travel and I have to leave on a weekend, so attend a work function on a Saturday ect - which is rare but it happens) so he gets first refusal. He has turned down every ''extra'' offered. And happily does not see DD to go on holiday regularly. I rack my brains daily as to what more I can do, and I honestly don''t know anymore.
Soulruler - thanks so much. I cannot get a medical report as I did not disclose any of the violence at the time. I claimed a fall or other excuse to get treatment, but I only did this when no bruises were left, as I knew questions would ultimately be asked. Given my back issues continue to get worse, I did admit to my GP what had happened after childrens services were already involved and I knew he would not be affected by my saying anything. I am now receiving the treatment I needed, but apparently the pain will never stop as the damage is done.
I did have a childrens panel solicitor acting for me, who had grave concerns about the impact of my ex - but given I can no longer afford any legal help, I am unsure how I would even achieve what the lawyer suggested would be necessary in their opinion to limit risk. I have bought a book, and I hope it will help. I just hate the thought of all of this - so unnecessary - my ex has said he knows he will not get the contact he wants from court, but will take me to court none the less - this application is out of pure spite, and it hurts he is prepared to admit this.
Twiggy, I really feel for you, after what has happened to you, and the pain you have been left in you are still trying to maintain the relationship between your daughter and her father., but let me tell you this bit, YOU are NOT responsible for your daughters relationship with her father, HE IS! Your responsibility is to facilitate it (which you are doing - admirably). Your ex will have to choose how his relationship with his dughter turns out, you can fight all you like to keep it together and good, but if he isnt putting the same effort into it then it will eventually fall apart and be seen for what it is. Take a step back, stick to your guns (your provision for access is great) and let him see that you will not be pushed around anymore. Hard stance to take but you have your dad and I am sure he will support you. Your ex is struggling with relinquishing his power over you, he left and that power over you left too. Coming back from DV and how it leaves you is a long haul but you haven''t got to put up with any of it anymore. You seem to be a strong lady with ethics and good morals. Continue to put your daughter first and it will all come good, his anger will subside in time, his behaviour may improve (and may not) but you have to do whats right. It isnt right for your daughter to see DV in any context and if that means third party handovers then so be it. Your daughter will adjust very quickly to that. Some bad husbands are terrifc dads.
Hi twiggy, my sympathy and praise for your current situation.
I found it amazing to read what you wrote about how your ex compliments your child. It''s truly inspiring how you can still see the value in a person that has hurt you so badly. I hope one day to be able to look at my ex and see how she makes a positive contribution to my kids'' lives.
Just wanted to say, if you have personal possessions in the house, I have a friend who had a police escort to help her remove her possessions from an abusive ex''s house. I don''t know how much is there but if it''s personal things and keepsakes that are valuable to you then it might be an option to explore?
Anyway, all the best. Thanks for inspiring me today.
Thank you to you all. I am not a saint believe me, I have screamed and screamed at him many times, out of pure exasperation and pain. I have many faults believe me, but I do try and live by the values I was raised with - Do the RIGHT thing, always, no excuses. Everyone has value, no matter how badly they behave at times. I try and seperate the person from the behaviour...it makes it easier for me. Its easy to blame, but the reality is all that does is give you something to hide behind. I could argue - half me problem is I LET him control me, and at times I did - I felt sorry for him and it was easier also than another battle / fight. Being angry eats away at you, and I am glad that I can still see the good in him, I will always love him in a way as he is the father of my child - how can I not? But you are not the first to tell me that I cannot take responsibity for him, I suppose after years of having to, I am just so used to it, it is automatic now.
Would you believe it the judge in our financial hearing OFFERED me more money, I turned it down. I had said to him, I won''t take a penny more. And I won''t. All I asked of him was the bare minimum to make ends meet, but that can I live with. I cannot live with breaking my word. Stupid maybe - honest yes. And to me its more important to be able to live with myself, than hurt him. I think acts of anger are often regretted, and I have enough regrets aleady..
u6c00 - I really hope you can get to see the good in your ex. It is hard, but most people have some good in them. I try and remember the things I used to love about him, and I look for the good things he does with DD, otherwise, I would just be consumed by the bad. It also helps me to talk positively to DD about Daddy, which I hope helps her. But believe me there are days, where I cannot see it all...it takes alot of effort..
Everything I have ever owned is in the house, bar a couple of suitcases of clothes that me and DD have use for the last year. I now have a key to the house so at least I can get in, but the police have told me that they will acompany me if needed to get everything. He doesn;t live there, nor want any of it, so I am hoping that getting my things will not be a trauma. He has had friends living there since last year, this is the only reason he didn''t want to take anything - his friends were using all the furniture/beds ect. I do want the things, all my childhood keepsakes, all DD;s baby stuff, family things, photos - everything that means anything is there - well I hope it is still there...who knows I will find out when I ultimately can get my things.