Contact progress and Couple questions

@SillyWoman

Yh think that''s what i''m going to do just ignore them.

My new partner has a little girl and tbh it makes things 10x worse for me to see her little girl growing up and not mine. Can''t even begin to imagine leaving 3 children for someone else who has children. Really sorry about that.

@ WhiteRose

That''s my point really after milk which she tends to have half way through I rally dont think there is any need for snacks aswell.

I put in an email as a repsonse that she''s a kid and that she''s going to get messy and that it''s what happens lol.

Thanks

@JSLgb

That''s a good idea i''ll do that from now on for definate.

What you said and what your solicitor says tbh is my opinion. However I have been telling my EX what i''m going to be doing just to try stay ammicable and less tension. However she still tries to control things and think sheel say no to just be difficult. I did think about just throwing the little party and not telling her that she met her cousins aswell. She has no way of finding out but feel why should I sneak around etc? It''s something i''m thinking of doing just for this once tbh as really want them to see her on her birthday and to make it as special as possible. I can then ask another time if they can meet her to gaige a response and go from there.

@Khan

Contact is no longer in the contact center fortunately and the only thing in the order that''s related to is it states my sister must be present to do supervision.

ffc,
we were in the unfortunate position a few years back of having a contact book imposed on us. The children''s mother made loud noises about how it was to maintain communications between her and their dad as they couldn''t talk to each other. In reality it was used to make digs at his/our parenting skills; comment on activities and set rules for what she would or wouldn''t allow. In the end we refused to play ball and kept the book, making it clear we would not cooperate with another.
I suspect the only reason you are getting the book and these comments is to back up any argument she might come up with as to why you are ''unsuitable'' and should have further contact stopped. As another poster mentioned, I would pre-empt these comments by including your own. eg. ''was unable to feed x the snacks packed by mum as she showed no inclination to eat them / there was no time left after her bottle''.

happyagain wrote:

ffc,
we were in the unfortunate position a few years back of having a contact book imposed on us. The children''s mother made loud noises about how it was to maintain communications between her and their dad as they couldn''t talk to each other. In reality it was used to make digs at his/our parenting skills; comment on activities and set rules for what she would or wouldn''t allow. In the end we refused to play ball and kept the book, making it clear we would not cooperate with another.
I suspect the only reason you are getting the book and these comments is to back up any argument she might come up with as to why you are ''unsuitable'' and should have further contact stopped. As another poster mentioned, I would pre-empt these comments by including your own. eg. ''was unable to feed x the snacks packed by mum as she showed no inclination to eat them / there was no time left after her bottle''.

Well I was all for the contact book personally it was even kinda a suggestion by me as my EX at the time woulodn''t talk to me at all not even by email etc. That''s not the case really atm but was why it was introduced at the time.

I think that''s what I''m going to do tbh sounds like a good idea.

Thanks

I think i''m just going to go ahead and take my niece and nephew along. probably avoid telling my EX just this once but on the next visit after the birthday I might say to her i''m planning on my niece and nephew to meet my daughter. If she kicks up a fuss then at least they would of met her on her birthday and had that good couple of hours. I know it''s all a bit sneaky but want to avoid confrontation atm.

Its not really sneaky - your her Dad and what she does in your contact time is down to you.

You''ll find if you start ''asking for permission'' now - you''ll be setting the standard for the future.

I know you want things to go smoothly and not to upset your ex, what you are proposing is perfectly reasonable. By asking her if its OK is giving her the power to decide what you do and don''t do or who you allow or don''t allow during your contact.

WR

ffc1991 wrote:

I think i''m just going to go ahead and take my niece and nephew along. probably avoid telling my EX just this once but on the next visit after the birthday I might say to her i''m planning on my niece and nephew to meet my daughter. If she kicks up a fuss then at least they would of met her on her birthday and had that good couple of hours. I know it''s all a bit sneaky but want to avoid confrontation atm.

I would really strongly advise against this. If you dothis, and she finds out (which she will!) she will say that you were dishoonset, that you can''t be trusted, and that she lied to her (and she would be right. if you bring the others one week and then tell her you''ll be introducing them on the next visit, you''ve lied) Snce she is already being unreasonable don''t give her ammunition.

I would recommend tha you write to her solicitor, state that you plan to make a bit of a celebration as it is her birthday so you will provide a cake/ancy snack, and that you plan to bring your neice/nephew along to meet D and so there is a mini-party. MAke sure the letter gets to them in time for her to respond before the contact and if she says she objects then DO NOT push it and go ahead anyway,but instead write back and explain that you feel it is in your D''s best interets to get to know her relations on your sinde of the family, stress that you aer not planning to involve them at evey contact but feel this would be a good opportunity for them to met.

This means that instead of giving her ammunition to use against you, you are emonstrating that you are being reasonable, considerate to her, and child centred. In the long term, that puts you in a stronger position (especially if you are still in court proceedigns or lijkely to have to go back to court to get unsupervised cotact)

RE: contact book - you know she''s picky, preempt it.
Fill in the book - reggarding the snacks say something like "gave D milk at around [time] offered her snack but she was not hungry. Reminded her I had snacks for her if she became hungry"
(on the ame note - have you considered bringing along some fruit / yogurt/ home made flapjack / other healthy snack so if she is hungry you have come prepared? it might help to demonstate that you are planning ahead for D''s needs.

Similarly, with the pen etc, allow 5 mins at the end of your contact to check that she is clean and tidy. Bring wet-wipes/waterless soap so you can clean off any ink (or mud if she''s been in the park) Of corus a bit of washable ink won''t hurt your D, but making sure she is clean and tdy before she goes back to Mum gives her fewer opportunities ti critisie her and also dmonstates that you are responsible and capable of caring for D without supervision.

I should stress that *I* have absolutely no reason to think you aren''t any of those things, but I think, tactically, taking away her opportunities for critising you is a more effective, and less confrontational way of moving forward than arguing with her about whether her behaviour is reasonable or not.

PS - I n the letter to her solicitor, you are not asking her permission to include youe nephew/neice. You are doing her the courtesy of keeping her informed of your plan.

If she responds, and tells you not to, then you are in a positioon to say "I will respect her request on this occassion, but would be grateful for clarification of why Mum objects to D having the opportunity to get to know her cousins"

You are setting a precedent that it''s polite for each parent to keep the other informed.

You are demonstrating that you are consderate towards Mum and her views.

It makes it hard for her to refuse without looking awkward, whereas if you do it first and then tell her afterwards, it looks as though you are being sneaky, and it plays right into her hands if she later whnts to argue that contact shouldn''t move on because you can''t be trusted..