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Birthday :-(

  • DrDaddy
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01 Oct 12 #358803 by DrDaddy
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Well, if you want to focus his mind, you could, as tiggers mentions, point out that next year, and the next several years, her birthday falls in your time.

However, if he just wants to hurt you, he might not even care. If there is some reason why he is being vindictive, then you may just have to accept that that is the case. I do feel for sorry for you - however, there is no reason you can''t make an equally special day in your time. As the child of divorced parents, it was no less special for me celebrating twice on different days.

As an aside, the way you present this reads like you are attacking him as a parent - "he doesn''t make it special like I do", "he isn''t nice to her", etc. This probably isn''t a good way to think about it, nor talk to him about it. If you have any substantive concerns about the way he treats her then that is a something you needs to deal with separately, I think.

  • Smint
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01 Oct 12 #358804 by Smint
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Thanks and I know I have attacked him as a parent here, but only to fully explain my position. It''s not something I do/say to him and I would never do anything to stop him seeing his daughter - despite my concerns, it''s his right (and her right) afterall.

I am keen to keep to the contact routine as much as possible, and also appreciate that I''m lucky that he does keep to arrangements and he does see her BUT he just won''t acknowledge that sometimes we need to be flexible and work with each other to make sure we do the right thing for our daughter.

I have sent him another message to politely ask him
again if he would consider letting me pick her up after he''s taken her out for tea so at least I get an hour with her. But no reply. He is refusing to answer any communication from me at the moment.

I doubt there''s any point trying to reason with him about future birthdays because I know from our marriage that he''s not really interested in making sure he sees her on the day, it''s all about getting one over on me.

  • Saffs
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01 Oct 12 #358817 by Saffs
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I so know how you feel! My son was 5 a few months ago...it is an especially lovely age and it is so gutting not to share special times with them or to have to "barter" for that time. Like your ex my ex never really made any effort about birthdays (in fact he often ruined them by excessive drinking or being moody). Anyway...just to share what happened this year ... sons birthday was on contact day and then ex had them that weekend too so I had planned for a birthday party with ALL (in hindsight...big mistake!)his school friends for the weekend after contact and invited ex (he refused as OW was not invited!)

Anyway...he (well with OW''s help) planned an after school tea-party for my son and a few friends. He even organised games. At first I was slightly taken aback (moaned a bit to mates) but my son had an amazing time. He enjoyed both parties...and I just told the parents of the kids that had been invited to the tea party not to worry about doing another present (all a bit embarassing!)

Weirdly last night we were talking about birthdays (the 9 year olds one is coming up now) and the 5 year old couldn''t remember either party and had to be prompted by photos of the cake!

I know for us it is that special time when we remember the exact moment they squeezed out of the birth canal and the excruciating details that happen on that day, however many years ago it is....but for them it is simply "their" birthday...and at 5 that means presents and cake! Whenever you celebrate it with her it will be special...and that is because you are her mum! Thinking of you...this divorce malarky certainly sucks at times!

  • khan72
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02 Oct 12 #358825 by khan72
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I have missed first birthday and second birthday. Thats all of the birthdays. I am taking things through the court. Ask for alternate birthdays. Alternate xmas, new year etc. That way you can guarantee exposure on those special days :)
Some people are just difficult. Accept it. If they were not difficult, you would have remained in the relationship.

  • Bobbinalong
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02 Oct 12 #358835 by Bobbinalong
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Another thing you try and this goes towards offering him, as has been said, for future years. What happens in most contact orders is, that the parent not seeing the child has them for a couple of hours. So for example when my daughters birthday fell on my weekend, both kids went their mums on the afternoon of their birthday for a couple hours. It''s not always perfect,, for example when it was my Friday this year to pick them up, she wanted her two hours after school, even though she had had them for two weeks. But in he past as khan, I wouldn''t have seen them for their birthday full stop, she would have denied the whole weekend.
The scenario I have suggested is generally a court ruled thing and in general is about as fair as you can get unless there is a great distance.

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