Ex to be is planning holiday abroad with children

:(My ex husband to be announced today that he is planning to take our children away abroad during the school summer holidays. (He works as a schoolteacher and cannot take them away any other time.) I do not begrudge the children a summer holiday.

However, last year and in all previous years, we had always been away together as a happy family. This year, I will be excluded and this is deeply hurtful. It really brings home the depth of hurt this divorce is causing. (I am the respondent in this divorce - I do not want the divorce - I am being regected by my husband - someone I always believed really loved me and would stand by me.)

It is particularly hurtful because he says he has 'priced-up' Greece and Turkey. We had our honeymoon in Greece and have returned there in subsequent years. Our first child was conceived in Turkey. (I had begged my husband to take me back there, before he brought the divorce, but he would not take me back there - always some excuse.)

He asked whether I had any objections to him taking the children away. All I could say was that I felt hurt about being excluded because of our separation pending divorce. It brought 'bittersweet' memories of happier times when the children were babies and toddlers. He went on to say that 'if I was feeling really spiteful about his plans, then there was a way I could find to stop him going away and to stop him having the money to do so'.

However, I do not know of any way to stop him - and, as I say, I don't begrudge the children their holiday. I just wish the family situation was better, meaning we were not divorcing and I could go too. I have no money for a holiday this summer. I have chronic clinical depression with chronic fatigue as a main symptom. I am currently unable to work because of this. I am in receipt of Disability Living Allowance and can claim Income Support because I am separated from my husband.

I think my husband bears some resentment because I went to the USA in March to visit my brother, whom I had not seen for 11 years, for his 50th birthday. We had been virtually estranged during my marriage - whenever my brother tried to phone me, my husband would do all the talking and not give my brother any opportunity to speak to me. Now, at this difficult time, I had to go and see my brother to 're-build bridges'. (I have no friends or family living nearby in the UK.) Of course I could not afford the 'plane ticket then - my father paid for it.

My husband says that it is not fair that I had a holiday in March, when everybody else was working, and him not have a holiday in the summer. (My 'so called holiday' was more of a visit to set things straight with relatives I thought I had lost forever - it was stressful in some ways and hardly living the high life.) And yet last year, when we were dealing with credit card debt problems (he had £10K, I still have £20K) he said we would have no more holidays away for 7 to 10 years (then he brought the divorce against me in January 2008). Now, all of a sudden, even though he is paying for the divorce, he has no problem taking the children and himself away. So where is the problem with his money?

I suggested maybe it is for the best if he and the kids did go away for a couple of weeks because then we could give each other some 'breathing space'. There would be 2 weeks free of conflict and I could get some 'peace and quiet' and get some things sorted around the house. My ex to be sneered at this saying that he could not see how I could get any peace and quiet in any way, shape or form. I asked him what he meant by this but he just got annoyed and said maybe it was best not to book anything yet until 'nearer the time' just in case there were any papers to sign re: the divorce during July/ August.

Whenever my husband sees the tiniest raise in my spirits or suspects that my mind is off the subject of the hurt of this divorce for a second, he finds a way of knocking me back down again. I felt as though I had been kicked in the guts (though not physically) it was bad enough. I have been close to tears all evening but there is just a big lump stuck in my throat. Has anyone else had a similar experience? If so, how did they deal with it?

I think your husband is really playing on your depression and lack of self-confidence. He does seem to deliberately knock you back whenever you get a little better. The fact that he cut you off so thoroughly from your family is a sign that he is excessively controlling and that you may have been in an abusive relationship. Have you considered that your marriage may have caused your chronic depression?

I don't think you can do anything about him taking the children away this summer, and, as you say, it is only fair that they have a summer holiday. What you need to do is find some strategies to get yourself through the time they are away. Do you have friends you could go and stay with for part of the time? Is there anyone else you've not been able to see for a long time, who you could visit or have visit you when he is gone? Are there things that you can't do now that would be easier with them all out of the house?

Start planning now for the time they will be away. Book in some things to do. They don't have to be expensive: a cheap theatre ticket or a night or two away (youth hostels are cheap and cheerful and actually rather good places for lone travellers, particularly the more remote ones where everyone sits around the fire and talks). You can't stop him doing this, but you can make it a good time for you as well.

Best wishes,
Sadie

Just wanted to send my best wishes and agree with sexysadie. My ex took our children to Paris while we were divorcing. I'd always wanted to go to Paris and was deeply hurt by this (and the kids were too young to appreciate it - would have preferred Disney Land or Centre Parcs, so it wasn't done for them but to hurt). SS is right and its best to make plans that will keep you busy while they're away.

I got my trip to Paris last weekend - 8 years later but considerably happier...so there's always hope for the future, however dark things seem now.

Thank you for your replies. I have some things to think about here.

Hi there, my stbx took out 2 kids away yesterday for a week to his folks holiday home in Spain, where we have been going for past 7 yrs as a family. the tickets were booked 2 days before he announce he was unhappy so I agreed to let them go. for me last weekned was the worst and the bulid up to ghem going. i felt like my heart and lungs were being ripped out at the though of them going and the actuality of them going. I have my days booked up until Monday (they get back on Fri) so agree that keeping busy is the best way. Painted our bedroom and hall (jobs he didnt do) today - so feel tired and enrgised. spoke to them tonite and they seem ok. I am sure yours (and my kids) will have a good time - but it is hard for you (and me). But am counting down days (one less sleep til they are back) I hope you manage to fill your days well. cupboard cleaning is good therapy too.
it does sound like abuse - I had that too and the other plus with him being away is that i am free from his jibes and nastiness. find new/old friends - go for lunch/read all the books/watch DVD;s you always wanted to but did not have the time. big hugs - get in touch as am going thru it like you 9and so many on wiki) xx

oh and another thing - I am in Scotland so not sure if the same in English law, but here a parent has to give written approval to let the other take them out of the country!!! maybe not a route u want to go down for the kids sake, but??

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts. Glad to know it is not just me who has become so upset about this situation. This particular situation brings home the reality that we are a 'separated couple, pending divorce'. The reality hurts at great deal - but it helps to share experiences. This reduces the sense of isolation.