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i need a final kick in the a***

  • Crumpled
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05 Jun 12 #335102 by Crumpled
Topic started by Crumpled
sorry to bore those of you who have read my drama but here we are again.......
i have the divorce papers in an envelope ready to go
i have done as my solicitor told me and told my stbx what i am doing
he is the one having the affair
he is the one living in a flat during the week and coming home at weekends
he goes to the pub and comes home at 3am
is so obviously living a separate life from all of us
he doesnt want a divorce well at least not yet...he wants a couple more months because he thinks maybe we will get back together,,,
i know in my heart of hearts this is an Absolute load of rubbish but it does make me hesitate
i just have that voice in my head saying maybe we can sort this maybe we will be the exception...(but i do have the other voice saying even if that did happen would i really ever forgive him)
another thing that is more tangible that makes me hesitate is that my stbx is really acting out of character (30 year long relationship so i do know him...or i did) is last week in a business meeting he had what sounds like an epileptic episode he has a doctors appointment next week
he has also said he thinks he needs counselling on his own something that he has always been loathe to do ...but having said that well i never he has been too busy to arrange anything
i read other peoples stories and i know exactly what i would tell them to do ..maybe im just scared of the future but to be honest anything is better than this half life.

  • pixy
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05 Jun 12 #335103 by pixy
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Only you can know when it is time to take that final push. The disjunction between heart and brain is so common but it does leave you in a sort of limbo and I think you will feel better when you have let brain win and submit those papers.


  • yellowrose
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05 Jun 12 #335118 by yellowrose
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I know exactly how you are feeling. Even though in your heart you know he is lying and continuing to keep his options open in case something goes awry, the fear makes you hang on to any little hope that appears to be there.

My hope was thrown back in my face and looking back I''m not sure I would behave in the same way again.

I do know that I can hold my head high, look my boys in the eye and say I did everything to save my marriage. He can look them in the eye and lie to them but they are not stupid and one day he will end up with nothing of any consequence.

No-one can tell you what to do but if you were advising someone else, what would you tell them. Whatever that is, is probably the right thing to do.

Know that whatever decsiion you make will ultimately be the right one at the time. The future is scary (I''m terrified) but we all deserve respect, love and honesty in our lives and in our situation we have to make hard decisions to maximise our chance of getting that.

Lots of love whatever you decide. xxxxxxx

  • Shoegirl
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05 Jun 12 #335119 by Shoegirl
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A few things to consider:

He''s skirted around reconciliation and counselling. But you may want to consider his words rather than actions. His actions suggest that he wants to live this alternative life and it seems that there is little consideration for your needs and feelings in that.

Counselling if you have encountered this, then what I am about to say is possibly unnecessary but just in case, here is my experience of it. Counselling is an extraordinary process if you find the right counsellor and are very committed to finding the truth of who you are and what drives your behaviour. It is not a short process to get to the bottom of things and it is often very painful and emotionally draining. It is for these reasons that it does not work for everyone. It is not a quick fix cure, it is very much the opposite with no guarantee that people will respond. So in short, expressing a vague wish that he might want to explore this in the future means little.

It''s so hard as I know every fibre in your being wants to cling on to the hope of reconciliation. I know the recent health episode will also be on your mind too, but I think your Stbx has chosen his path and decided that he wants to live elsewhere and have this alternative life. So although you care very much about him, letting go is something that you can do that means you have some control back in your life.

Whether letting go means divorcing now or later is a matter for you. It''s the emotional letting go that is the most important part I think. For some the emotional and legal go together for others they do the emotional work first and the legal paperwork later.Pixys right, there is no right answer, do what feels right for you. You may want to consider starting the process as Petitioner you can control the timescales to a degree. I slowed my divorce process down once I started it, not because I wanted reconciliation, just that it was just all too painful. But starting it gave me control over those choices. As it happens my Stbx wasn''t in a rush either, so taking time worked for me.

What I know from my own experience is that reconciliation means effectively putting your life on hold whilst he may or may not sort himself out. It''s a big ask and one that may not be realistic. It takes an awful lot of work to repair and as you say, it''s not something you personally may want.

Letting go takes a lot of time and work on the self I think. It happens gradually. Think about what is right for you right now. How can you protect yourself best you can from being hurt anymore? How do you stop salt going into raw wounds so to speak? I asked myself these questions and thought about boundaries a lot so it gave me the time and space away from him that I needed to heal myself.

These questions generated a lot of self insight that was really helpful in my healing. Divorce is an ending and no matter how broken the relationship, endings are painful so you need to take it at a pace that is right for you.

Take care

  • Nota
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05 Jun 12 #335144 by Nota
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It''s up to you do decide when or if at all.

But your asking for a kick up the backside...so you can either fanny around waiting for him to get his arse in gear and take the "P" even more. Or you can grab the bull by the horns and post it, you be in control....your call.

Like you, I also though after 26yrs I knew ex hubby, his actions were totally out of character. He''s completely changed and not for the better. I looked at it this way - The kids and I had the best of him, the bargirl brought out the worse and she was welcome to it!

But after a while, you grow a set of balls and crack on with it. I''m not saying it''s easy, but what''s done is done!

  • yellowrose
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05 Jun 12 #335147 by yellowrose
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I have/am struggling to think of my past with the basta.d given his betrayal of me but I like your bit about ''me and the kids had the best of him and in my case his sl.g has bought out the worst in him''. Thankyou for that. If I''m honest I don''t want to think of him at all but when I feel able I think your way might be the way to do it.


  • Canuck425
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05 Jun 12 #335149 by Canuck425
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I know what you mean as I am in a similar situation. Limbo can become very comfortable. You''ll do it when you''re ready and you are VERY close.

Good luck!

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