The post-acute phase

CheyenneL,

I have just read your reply to this post. As I read it, I felt a churning sensation in the pit of my stomach...a sense of anxiety and fear. Yes, you (and others) detail exactly what I meant in your posts...you all know what I mean. But you posed two simple questions that really elicited a response in me:

(1) This is not real happiness, is it?

(2) I am just as lost as you are...so what now?

I''m going to ramble here...but I am rambling in response to these questions.

I am still in therapy. Yesterday, I sat opposite my therapist and expressed an intense sense of anxiety about both of these questions.

Take the first one. I don''t even think it''s "happiness" I''m acutely aware that I''m lacking. Yeah. I feel "happy" now and again...so what...I felt happy now and again in my marriage...I''ll feel happy now and again for the rest of my life. What I''m lacking is a sense of security, emotional security.

When I was 6, I went away with my school without my parents. I was petrified. Scared stiff. Didn''t want to go. Before I left, I ran down the garden to compose myself...trying to be brave...fighting back the tears. My dad came outside to see me. He sensed I was vulnerable and I just burst into tears...showed all my vulnerability and pain...and he just hugged me, held me, I felt "safe and secure" - like someone truly had got my back in this world. That sense of safety and security is what I think I mean by "happiness."

I don''t have that from my dad anymore. I don''t have it from anybody. But I want it. For me, it''s hard to truly "live" without that background sense of security and safety...I have not managed it yet. I''m not even saying I had it with me wife...but I had the "illusion" of having it...that was enough.

That leaves question 2. So what now? Well...I''ve seen many people so disturbed by the issues I just talked about in relation to question 1 that they simply busy themselves trying to find that sense of security and safety (or the illusion of it) in the world from somebody else - only then can they truly "live" again in the carefree fashion they did before. I can''t criticise that...I understand it.

Alternatively, I guess we try to exist in that "state"...to live without that sense of security, of safety. I am not sure how to do that...yet. Maybe it''s impossible (I think I fear that it can be done...but that life will always be "lacking something")...maybe it can be done.

Sam: spot on about ''happiness'' mate.

I just want to be loved by someone: THAT to me is happiness. Everything else is just fleeting pleasure.

Where I work there is a Jewsons next to where I sneak out and have a crafty smoke. A number of seagulls nest on their roof. Over the last few months I have watched with pleasure the progress of the seagull chicks grow from being little balls of grey fluff to now taking their first flights.

I really really miss having a wife to tell about this.

Sounds like the thing we''re all looking for is contentment, not happiness.

I have happy times, good days where I laugh lots, don''t think about my problems. It doesn''t matter one bit if the next day is full of misery and tears.

We want to be content: satisfied with the life that we have. I guess that the security is something you need for contentment.

Learning to stand on your own again after so long will help you achieve that. If you come up with any insights on that, let me know!

I don''t think it is too much to ask out of life to get married to the person you love and have happy times and tough times, raise kids and grow old together.
Not much at all actually.

LW

One thing you need to remember Sam
Your Dad had your back.
Your misus was sticking the knife in it.
She wasn''t the same thing at all ever.
Why the hell you lot want to moonface over people who have fecked you over completely bemuses me.
All the best
Pete x

hawaythelads wrote:

One thing you need to remember Sam
Your Dad had your back.
Your misus was sticking the knife in it.
She wasn''t the same thing at all ever.
Why the hell you lot want to moonface over people who have fecked you over completely bemuses me.
All the best
Pete x

Pete people deal with things in different ways and over different timescales.

Yes your parents will (in most cases) always have your back. But is it too much to ask that your wife/husband does also? And even when you have been fecked over by your ex its fair to say that they had your back once...

Not in my case QPR. It''s fair to say that my ex never had my back.

I did my moonyfaced regrets stage, and now it''s over. I won''t ever mourn for the relationship again.

Not all relationships were as bad as mine though.

You''re right, it is fair to expect that, and when you realise that they didn''t it will kick you into moving on.