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The post-acute phase

  • QPRanger
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01 Aug 12 #346725 by QPRanger
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Fair enough u6c00: I guess I''m still at the mourning stage even though my stbx''s behaviour over the last 10 months has been vindictive to me and my family...

  • samchik1
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03 Aug 12 #347222 by samchik1
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hawaythelads wrote:

One thing you need to remember Sam
Your Dad had your back.
Your misus was sticking the knife in it.
She wasn''t the same thing at all ever.
Why the hell you lot want to moonface over people who have fecked you over completely bemuses me.
All the best
Pete x

I take your point Haway...and objectively that''s very true. But that''s not the point. The point is that subjectively I spent five years or so BELIEVING that my wife had my back (even though she probably never really did). That belief was enough for me to live in a state of blissful ignorance...I had that sense of security...even if in reality I didn''t. It''s like believing in Santa, when you truly BELIEVE it feels magical...but it''s BS. I guess I''m saying it doesn''t really matter what''s going on in reality if in your internal world you have a fake perception of that security...I don''t even have that anymore.

  • Shoegirl
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04 Aug 12 #347229 by Shoegirl
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I get where you are coming from with this sense of security thing. I went through a similar thing.

My honest view is that over time, with a fair amount of support, I was able to address why I only felt happy and secure when in a relationship.

I reckon in my case I had a deep rooted fear of being alone and that was kind of what ended up with me staying in a bad marriage. You see I explained away, rationalised and minimised some pretty bad behaviour from my husband. I did not see what was staring me in the face because of my deep rooted fear of being alone. I kind of had this view that I had to make my marriage work because the thought of the alternative, being alone and not having the security of a relarionship would be much worse.

Im quite a way down the divorce road. I''ve dealt with my fears and insecurities because I''ve identified for me personally these are the very things that have led to making bad relationship choices and not being able to see things as they really are. Being able to see reality, has been very important for me.

For example, in my marriage, I would have sworn blind my husband had my back. I wanted to believe in our marriage so much, I needed the love, the security, whatever. But in my case, the truth was that the guy never had my back. Oh yes he did just enough and said the right things to make me believe he had my back. But it was mainly smoke and mirrors. Because fundamentally, my stbx does not know how to function in relationships properly. He''s not a bad man, I mean that. He just has his limitations and my own insecurities made me to blind to see them.

So in answer to your post, what is different? Well, unsurprisingly, I have discovered that I am totally able to meet my own needs. I have gained enormous benefits from the simple truth that I alone am enough. Now don''t get me wrong, if someone comes along, then great. But my point is, that I don''t need someone to complete me anymore. I am whole. I am not sure if I am making any sense. The key point is that we all find our own way through this stuff and I''m trying to say that there is a way through it and you can if you want, feel differently. It took me a while to see the wood for the trees with this stuff though. Everyone has to find their own path, their own reasons. I have just chosen to share mine, because the individual path I took did lead to a much greater understanding.

These days, I am simply a different person. I am the same at heart, but the truth has been liberating for me, I think these days because on the work I have done, I would spot those limitations I spoke of earlier and run for the hills before getting too involved. Because now, at heart, I am complete, not driven by fear. So, for me personally as a previous poster it is not too much to expect to have a fully functioning relationship when married. The key difference for me these days, is I would spot the warning signs. Because I understand me first and foremost and I''ve found that this truly has unlocked many things including a deep insight on how to meet my own needs.

Take care.

  • afonleas
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04 Aug 12 #347251 by afonleas
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Shoegirl,Wholeheartedly agree with you,even though though I thought he covered my back,he was covering his own!!!!
To acknowledge this fact was very hard,but something I had to do,before I could start on the process of repairing and healing me.
During this process though,I truly realised how selfish my s2tx really was,not in a financial way but as a person,my life just revolved around him,and maybe this was me not accepting things were not good and just plodding away,because Ireally did not want to be alone.
Although I now live alone,I''m not alone!! I was more alone in the latter years of my marriage,while he has moved on I sometimes wonder does he ever feel alone???living with rent-a-bike in her house/her stuff/her friends and her dysfuntional family,there is a part of me hopes he does.

The one thing I have realised,there is only really one person that will cover your back for you,and that''s yourself,and that is quite a sobering thought.
Sam,yes our parents covered our backs for us,but unfortunatly mine passed away a long time ago,but I honestly will cover my girls while i have a breath in my body,and disagree with the statement that
ignorance is bliss!!!no sorry ignorance is dangerous.
Sam, there really is a father xmas xxx
well I believe,and Im covering my own back.

Take care,grow stronger
Believe in yourself
Luv and cwtchs
Afon xxx.................

  • Marshy_
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04 Aug 12 #347295 by Marshy_
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Shoegirl wrote:

I reckon in my case I had a deep rooted fear of being alone and that was kind of what ended up with me staying in a bad marriage. You see I explained away, rationalised and minimised some pretty bad behaviour from my husband. I did not see what was staring me in the face because of my deep rooted fear of being alone.
Take care.

I think I was the same. I feared being alone. And I put up with some awful behaviour that now, I wouldn''t put up with even 1% off. In fact, potential partners have got the heave ho for tiny indiscretions that before would be daily events. But we live and learn.

There is also the security thing. We feel that cos we are with someone that we are secure. Someone at our backs. But the fact is, we are no less secure on our own. And often, the person that has our back, is stabbing us there.

If you are on your own, all your successes are yours. No one will sla* you off for doing something wrong and if you fail at something, you fail on yr own. And that is so much better than failing in a bad relationship. Becuase you will never hear the last of it.

By and large, I have been very successful in the last 6 years. I have lots more things in my life then I did then. And things of value. Life friends. Good memories. No nastiness. No comming home wondering what cop I was gona find. And if something goes wrong, no dread. For me, its all so win win. C.

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