The post-acute phase

Hi Sam,

It''s true...the first few months are filled with just surviving and existing, you''re on automatic pilot and then you get to the point that you are describing the ''what now'' stage.

Dr. Manhattan hit the nail on the head....you are no longer the person you were but you have no idea of who you are anymore either. For me, this journey of self discovery has been the hardest part. I spent 25 years with my ex and lost myself in the process. I am struggling with reclaiming my identity and finding out about who I really am. I really want to reclaim the confident, joyous, determined, carefree woman that I once was and I am working hard to reclaim who I used to be all those years ago. I can''t change my history but I can only try and get back those qualities that were essentially me. Now I focus on things that make me happy, things that fulfil me, things I like doing, goals that i want to achieve both short term and long term and work on parts of me that are missing like confidence and working on things I can do to help change that part of me.

As the others have said, you have come a long way and you will get through this too. Take care...stay strong

Samchick. You have described it brilliantly. sc

Well Sam, you''re not in the early days any longer .

For me this is when I started to get very introspective. Perhaps it''s time to look deeply into yourself and start to think about your role in all of this.

I don''t mean the affair or cheating. I mean the dissolution of your marriage. What was your role in getting your marriage to the point where she walked away?

Another thing I found useful was starting to figure out what was it about me that allowed myself to be treated so poorly. I mean through the entire marriage not just at the end.

For me, healing is coming from focusing on me and learning. I am desperate to learn and grow. To come through this emotionally fitter than how I entered.

I am not the man I was when this all started. I have changed immensely. I can see lots of positives through this process but I sure wish it could have happened in a different way.

So, you''ll get there. You''re a smart guy who seems to be committed to getting better.

Focus on you and your stuff. Put you first. Start thinking about that awesome life you''re going to build and how you''re going to get there.

You can do it!

Hi again Sam.

samchik1 wrote:

Strangely, a little bit of me wants the existence I had in the first three months back. I knew the deal there...knew what I had to do each day...had a simple "point" to my days. That "hell" was in some ways quite orienting for me...now I feel a bit lost

Yea you had a task then. And it was a simple task. But if you remember, it was hard for you to follow. So... Although you want that task back, you cant have it back as you have moved on.

And now you have a new task. This task now is to fill the hole where your ex once occupied your life. And that is not easy. In fact. None of this is easy. But filling this hole where your wife once occupied this space is actually rebuilding your life.

I liken this phase to having a building demolished. All the rubble has been cleared away and you are left with a hole in the ground. Now you have to build a shiney new building. One that will last you a long time. You had better build it right though. You dont want it falling down again.

This rebuilding phase is perhaps the longest. I know cos I have been doing my building for about 4 years now. Its complete. And it has all that I want in it for now.

So, from now on. You will be rebuilding your life. And you have to be careful what you put in it. Many rush out and get a replacement partner. I recommend that you dont do this. Be a single person 1st. You wont regret it. C.

Hi Sam,

I feel I want to respond to your thread as it really strikes a chord with me.
You have described it so well and I am relieved in a way that I am not the only one feeling this way.

In the initial stage, I won''t deny that that''s the hardest period, to even get through the next hour takes a copious amount of effort, we struggle with every breath we take. And so we focus getting on every little routine and that was really the purpose and task admist all the heartbreak.
After the all consuming intense pain, the heartbreak is still here but it has evolved into a dull ache which can never seem to go away. That is where emptiness and sadness set in. I don''t know about you and others, but I alternate between the dull ache and intense pain, ie the bad and worse days (notice it is not the good and bad days. how could any form of heartache be good?).

I understand we are supposed to be ''moving on''. I am not sure what I can be moving on to, so I always think of it as moving along. To me, it is simply going along with my life without the one I love. To go back to being alone and getting used to doing things alone and not relying on others. I am just existing, not exactly living, you can say I am numb with sadness. Don''t get me wrong, I still do have little tasks and targets on hand, like going out to meet a friend, completing a piece of work assignment, random hols, ad hoc pampering sessions etc. But at the end of it all, it is all meaningless? Is it just a way of getting through each day, a form of distraction but with no real meaning and real happiness attached to it? Certainly there will be some form of pleasure whilst we execute the tasks (though I often still have to force myself to execute them), but the pleasure lasts as long as it does, it is not real happiness is it? Am I the only one feeling this way?

I am really just as lost as you are. So what now?

That''s exactly how I feel 15 months on. Had a brilliant weekend actually really enjoyed it from deep inside. Then came home and sobbed like a baby in pain. That''s because my husband should have been there with me, and when I go anywhere I always want to come home and tell him about it.
Hate it when people say about moving on, you are right it''s about moving along, and also letting go.
It''s so hard when you know the person who you married now only sees you as someone they used to know, yet you still love them the same.
I try not to think of the future because I can''t stand knowing my husband won''t be there with me, he will be sharing his life with ow that we should have been having.
A good circle of people around you is a big help, thankfully the people around me are still giving me strength.
Stay strong and keep yourself busy.

I feel the same Cheyennel and revenge and it is three years for me today.
I have carried on day by day for my daughters sake but she leaves for University in October and then I will be totally alone.

I have no family except my elderly mother who is in a nursing home and no real friends, people I can rely on and who I see regularily.

I feel I have nothing to look forward to except loneliness and isolation as I have recently left work.

I too despise the phrase you should move on, move on to what?