Riding the rollercoaster – will it ever end

Hi everyone

Not posted for a while so thought I would offer an update.

Now confirmed that she is suffering a relapse into depression, I am trying to do my best to hold things together but even though I like to think that I am basically a thoughtful caring person, who will do his upmost to help others, it is starting to take its toll on me. She has reduced the time that she spends chatting to others, including those ‘friends’ she made on holiday, on Facebook and messenger but I think she still keeps in touch by private messages. I have reiterated that I will not tolerate cheating either on a physical or emotional level but these comments are often treated in an off hand manner. Life is like treading on eggshells and I don’t know if I can take much more, feeling at times that I have served my purpose and she now is looking to rid me from her life.

I think that she is regretting that she never had her wild times when she was younger and keeps reminding me of my past. I have told her that I am not proud of my past and if I had the opportunity I would have settled down earlier, also my mind and body were young and could take the abuse I gave myself. I have said that if she wants her wild times or seek adventure on her own then she should go for it however I reminded her that

1) I will not guarantee that I will be there for her when she wishes to return to normality, I will take this as indication that our relationship is over,

2) She still has a legal obligation to pay the mortgage on the house, although I will be more than happy to take this on providing she signs a legally binding agreement to turn the house over to me. Not being materialistic but don’t see why I should pay a mortgage for x number of years then she runs out of money playing with her toy boys and comes after me for more money by insisting the house is sold.

3) All ties will be cut and she should not even think of contacting me should her dream bubble burst and she finds that she is living in a toxic waste dump, not lush pasture. She knows that I can jump on a plane anywhere with just a passport and credit card and sort myself out but if she wants to end the relationship then she gets the independence which she craves. However this will be independence not independence with DIAH sitting ready to pick up the pieces of her shattered life.

However if she wants to do something adventurous with me then all well and good, she knows that I am still an adrenaline junkie. However my idea of adventure is doing something new and risky, not drinking myself into oblivion with locals in a holiday resort.

She burst into tears when I told her of these little provisos, I do not want to appear harsh but don’t want to give the impression that she can spread her wings and have me acting a cotton wool underneath her.

What really hurts though is the lack of acknowledgment for the support she gets from me, I cook, clean the house, do the washing and ironing, even pick up her used ‘feminine products’ when she is on a downer and leaves them on the floor. I know I may do too much but I do not want to live in a dirty smelly hovel. On occasions I have had to encourage her to shower and change her underwear as she will sit there after doing a 2 or 3 hours gym session and not shower or change her clothes, just get home take her gym cloths off for me to wash and sit in front of the TV, or computer, in her dirty underwear. I also take her anywhere she wants to go as she is in not fit state to drive due to meds and if she cannot go anywhere she will go into a deep downwards spiral. I even took her to a function in Scotland and, because we could not get a hotel, drove up in the morning and back at night, the journey was about 6 hours in each direction.

What thanks do I get for this – none ??? I do not do this for thanks but a little acknowledgment would not go a miss, she will gush with praise for others on facebook if they make her a coffee or help her out. She publicly describes one fiend as her rock, but this rock only helps her during work hours and in any case is her subordinate and merely doing her job in supporting her manager.

To the outside world she is a confident, well groomed and intelligent person who looks good and although in her 40’s has the figure of a 20 year old. What the outside world does not see is that I make sure she eats a nutritionally balanced diet, the one bit of praise I do get is that my cooking is better than most restaurants. I will also ensure her clothes are clean and will encourage her to shower and do her hair before going to work. If I didn’t then she would go to work looking a mess and given her job this would lead to more stress and she would go further down the pit of desperation.

Sorry if this seems like a rant I do not mind doing this to help, she had to do the same for me some time back, but I am feeling worn out all the time and absolutely worthless. I want her to get well and hopefully have a life with me or if not get well and have the guts to leave me and live independently, although I know in my heart of hearts if she left me it would be to run into the arms of another.

The one thing that has kept me going is that we were due to go away in November, deposit paid on hotel only, but she has recently told me she does not know if she wants to go with me unless it is to the resort she goes to with her friend and could I change the booking. Sorry although I have happy memories of both holidaying and working there I will not return with her. My reason is that she says that she has made friends (and they are only friends ??) with some of the local guys there and if I find I have been ''misled'' then I may find myself in trouble. Also I think that I could have a situation where she would want me to sit in the hotel while she meets her friends, if this happened I don’t know if I could contain my anger and her friends could ensure that I have a long spell in police custody.

Please do not think that I am being unreasonable or even contemplating causing trouble but I need some time away but not with the pressure of her using me as a travelling companion so she can see one her new friends. I have thought about going away on my own but if I did she would bank this to ensure she could have another holiday with the friend, this was thrown at me last time when I went away with my friends.

Thanks for reading another long boring post from DIAH I am really trying to help her but it is not easy living with someone who has depression, don’t know how much longer I can take this before I am the one who moves out.

Love to You All
DIAH.