am I going mad

I would like to know if anyone else can identify with this feeling I have of sometimes being completely mad. We have been separated since 28/11/11 and I filed for divorce, following discovery of an affair with a friend of mine, gay porn being taped over our wedding pics 6 months into a 12 year marriage and I found them all - and her half naked picture on his pc by accident when I dropped an ironed shirt on the pc in his study and it was on ''sleep'' not ''off;.

Anyway...........I feel Like I have been living a lie for the past at least- eight years. I know I ought to be happy perhaps that it is out in the open and I can get on but i MISS our life, I MISS that he never speaks to me. I LIKED looking ''after us''- I feel roleless, a nobody- I used to be an HR Director if a FTSE 100 - I was no slouch in the working dept but I am ten years older and now at 52 have eldely aprents to keep an eye on plus his career took off like a rocket when I started coaching him (I charge £350 a day on the open market)
He rents a house with money he tricked me out of, pays half the amount it costs to run this house in the middle of nowhere and Its like I never knew him.
I don''t know who I am in mourning for- him as he is, my identity and pride in being a wife or him as he is now.
I just don''t know. I feel so humiliated one day, then I go to bed and I am happy the next day, then I can be crying my eyes out, then I can be laughing, then I want to sleep all the time, then I want to ruin him- then I go and give him the Lotus because I know he loved it best and by the way- he never even said thanks.
I truly think I must be going mad.
My friends think I should be moving on by now...It''s been eight months. But I cry and cry when I think of all the places we were going to seem how he said he could never live without me-0 that he was put into this world to be with me (I know- don''t be sick)
Yet at the end here are a few samples of what he said:
I had an affair because youre so cold and reject me so much. I was so lonely. She was so loving and it made me realise I am always waiting for ''you'' to come back.

You are a drainer. I can take the stress of the job and the travelling but I totally cannot take another minute with you.

Sleeping with you was so lovely- now its like (fxxxing) a dead horse and often I wait till you''re asleep before I rub myself on your leg.

You''re hopeless. You are always lazy and I didn''t love you on our wedding day. I was too weak to tell you. You ran it like an army campaign-and all I had to do was turn up

I loved your lifestyle and travelling first calss when yuu went to the USA to work- I was dazzled and awed by you- not in love.

You''re a monomaniac.

You changed your mind about wanting children

You have let yourself go

Everyone was right- our marriage could never have worked out

You don''t share any of my dreams or hobbies- you don''t have aay dreams of your own

You always expect me to be the one who is in charge so I''m going.

I am able to get out while I am still young enough.

Why don''t you eff off and die?

Beacuse you are such a useless wife youleave me no choice but to save myself.

All this plays and plays in my head and sometimes there is anger butmore often there is pain.
How could he do this? Was I really so useless?
Am I going mad?
Kits

Hi Kits,

It is useless to blame yourself. When this happens the other person tries to blame the innocent party to make themself feel better. I read something very interesting when these things occur which goes like this:

"Don''t believe anything you hear and less than 50% of what you see."

It helps to keep me sane by remembering that the BS you are getting is normal and that you need to ride through it.

After 8 months I am sorry to hear you''re still having the ups and downs. It appears that is very normal for people. However, if you haven''t already done so I would suggest you perhaps see a doctor and get some help with coping, at least to help you level out the peaks and troughs.

It will get easier with time and I am sure that someone else will be along soon to offer some more practical advice and support.

Kindest regards until then.

Thsnks so much
To me eight months seems nothing after a 12 year marriage and two and a half years of living together but I guess we all have different recovery rates.
I am on anti depressants and valium although am ditching the latter for hypnotherapy.
Thanks
Debbie

Take a deep breath. Really. The things coming out of his mouth are garbage. The problem is that he actually believes them. They are his new reality.

He loved you on your wedding day, for example. I guarantee it. My stbx said the same crap. Check with your friends and family that were there. Ask them really what they think. His reality is just VERY different from yours. Very. It is so common it makes me weep.

I don''t know who I am in mourning for

You''re in mourning for everything that you''ve lost. A married life. A partner you thought you had. Someone to care for and that cared for you. You have lost so much. You should be sad. So let yourself be sad. Don''t put a time limit on it. Don''t think you should be "moving on" because it''s been eight months. You''ll get there when you get there.

Take this time to be sad. But also let yourself be happy too. That''s really importnat. This is a long journey and you need to take care of yourself.

I also think that significant introspection is pretty vital. But I will leave that for another time.

Hi Kitsi,
if you are going mad then so am I.
My Husband came out with some horrible comments about me.I must be living on a different planet,coz every thing he said amazed me. WHO WAS THIS PERSON HE WAS TALKING ABOUT? Surely it was not me....

if it isn''t too painful what did he say to you?
I live in such a buttoned up community where mariages are not discussed and people stay together so it doesn''t split the farm or the inheritances. I am not one of them. I am just a council house ordinary born person and proud to be so...but there is no one to talk to here

Hi Kitsi,

I would agree with the rest! You are not going mad, you are just grieving, the emotion switch is just the brain''s way of not overloading with grief..
All that he has said to you is to ease his guilt in leaving you and to justify his actions, you would know if these statements "rung true" with you, you should know basically what type of person you are!!
A lot of what is said and done is also to provoke a reaction, especially if they think you are coping without them - egotistical I think?
My wife is always saying things and doing things to "stir the sleeping bear", "kick up the dust to see how it settles" etc.. At first this used to kill me, now I see it for what it is, a kind of jealousy that you are dealing with the situation and not reacting as they want or expect..
You will make it and you will get stronger, a Welsh friend of mine from this site said this at the beginning and I did not believe, now I do. The more they do to you, the more you will NOT need their c**p and realise this!!
Grieve as you should do, and also accept the good feelings will start to surface and it is a sign that you are "getting there"
Chin up girl!
xx