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Strength to keep fighting

  • missguided
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12 Oct 12 #360539 by missguided
Topic started by missguided
Sorry, just looking to off load as i am at a point of complete and utter despair!

Stbx has fought me (with his solicitor)at every opportunity that he could. I have kept strong and so far everything has worked in my favour (including the Nisi being granted this week despite his appeal).

He is just such a complete and utter control freak! I dont have control over anything right now, he is able to dictate everything (where i shall live, how much i''ll have, when i can start my new job to get away from working with him) and all i can do is fight back.

We are so close now, but yet feel so far.

I feel like the last bit of fight is draining from me fast.

How the hell do i just keep going for that little bit longer? Not sure i can keep this up anymore.


  • jar of hearts
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12 Oct 12 #360544 by jar of hearts
Reply from jar of hearts
I feel for you. I am in a very similar position with a complete control freak ex who is still not prepared to stop even though we are now divorced. I have to tell myself that although he is still trying to force me into submission, I have actually won in the biggest way possible - we are now divorced and he can''t actually control anything. I can get up when I want, wear what I want, eat what I want, see who I want etc etc. The longer things go on the longer the list of things in my control grows. If you read some of my current posts you can see that with the big things I too am in despair and feel like throwing in the towel, but if I did, what would that mean? Would I take him back? Never. Would I hand him my bank account and let him spend my money? No. Would I send my children to live with him? They would go into care first so I couldn''t if I wanted to.

See what I mean - there is no other option but to keep going and I have now got control of most of my life it is just upsetting him so much that he is trying anything to get his toy back, and if he can''t have it he will stamp on it so it is gone. Well although I really have nothing left to fight with I have to keep going, because there is no other option and I suspect it is the same with you. So how do you cope? Be kind to yourself and although you can''t wallow in self pity every now and again a good cry and a wail does you good. Then look at all your options with a calm head and see how you can take a little control yourself. How is he able to control where you live? Mine tried that but I just smiled sweetly and when the FMH sold I bought a house somewhere completely different to the place discussed in court. The judge won''t issue an order specifying where you live and although settlement may be decided on a specific plan, once you have the settlement do as you like. How is he controlling when you start a new job? I doubt very much he has any say in the company you are going to work for, I''m sure if you have been offered a position they would gladly take you on sooner, it might make things difficult for stbx but so what? If he mentions it in court to attack you, simply say that it became intolerable for you to work that close to him any longer and your mental health was suffering. If you don''t feel confident to just say it, visit your GP because I am absolutely positive he would agree that you are mentally very fragile if not already depressed. The financial settlement must be fair and whether it is decided in court as an agreement between you, or in mediation or, as in my case, he won''t agree to anything and the judge is forced to decide; your stbx cannot dictate an unfair settlement because the judge simply won''t pass it.

I appreciate that there will still be unfairness as I am sure that your stbx will have, as mine did, hide money, deny assets etc and have his family lie for him to get his way, but with the actual money and the concrete assets on the table, the settlement must be fair.

So I suggest you take a day out to look at everything from an outsiders position, or go through it with a trusted friend or family member who has a calm brain and look at the areas where you can be in charge. Look for the places where you can just alter the perspective a little and look at where you can make simple changes to at least feel as if you are fighting on equal terms.

Good luck. Remember you are a strong and capable woman to have got this far and although we women don''t stand up and beat our chests and blow our own trumpets, we won''t be beaten. He may wear a scarlet uniform and thump his chest and stamp his foot, but a child in nursery can do that too and who deals with that child in nursery and puts a stop to his nonsense - a woman in a quiet but firm way.

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