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  • ross78
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27 Oct 14 #447718 by ross78
Topic started by ross78
earlier today I found out that my stbx has met someone new, she only left 5 weeks ago, apparently it is not physical between them as he lives over 100 miles away but she met him when she was up there with work, he has come down to meet her for a day with her family.
I''m gutted im feeling really low we were childhood sweethearts im the only person she has slept with and I feel sick to my stomach to think of another man being intimate with her, I cant get it out of my head

  • Marshy_
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28 Oct 14 #447740 by Marshy_
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I get this. I really do. And it goes to the core of what a man is. Gets to that part that makes a man a man. Its like a knife in the guts. Know this feeling all to well.

There isnt anything I can really say that will make this feeling go away. Its something you have to live with and learn to accept. She has left and she has met someone else. I am so sorry.

But on the plus side. The 80/20 rule applies here. That means that out of 10 people we meet as potential partners, only 2 of them will be suitable long term. So it may not work out between them. Not saying this helps at all but at least gives you an insight into the way of things.

The most important thing for you now is to accept the way things are between you and yr ex. She has gone and she is meeting other people.

Personally.... I think this is a massive mistake on her behalf. She wont be over you yet and she is on the rebound. She is making the classic mistake of getting straight back on it after being thrown off. Works well with horses and bicycles but doesnt work with people. People need time to heal between relationships. Otherwise they end up carrying all the issues from the old into the new. And it usually doesnt work out.

So lesson for you... Dont do what she has done. Jump straight from the fat into the fire. You will get burned. Like she will most likely do.

If and when it does all go wrong, she will come to you. Dont be a lifeboat for her or a stepping stone. THis is your real challenge here. Even though you dont know it yet. Marshy.

  • Vastra1
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28 Oct 14 #447747 by Vastra1
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Sorry you''ve had to hear this horrible news. I was the same, together since 18 years & was so hurt to discover my ex had been secretly planning his escape for about 6 months, and that there had been another emotional / probably physical affair before that. Unfortunately you cannot believe or trust her anymore, and she is pretty tacky to be introducing a new man to her family so soon. Mine went as a couple to concert at school a mere 2 weeks after leaving me, oblivious to the shocked fellow parents reaction.
The pain will be unbearable now, please reach out for as much support as you can get from friends & family.

  • NWGuy
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28 Oct 14 #447751 by NWGuy
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Very much in the same situation as you Ross78.

Found in appropriate emails between my stbx and another guy. Nothing in it she said. Then caught them together a couple of weeks later - still nothing in it. As she had handed her rings back she felt it was ok to do what she wanted.

And now just a few weeks later she is having days out with this guy and his child and my children- all just as friends!!!

It is hard to realise and accept that the person you thought was a life partner has already moved on. And no words in the world will take that hurt and betrayed feeling away. But as other Wikis have said and will say, it will get better. She is the one losing out here.

Like all the advice you have been getting, eat properly, rest enough and start the rebuild. Its a long process and sometimes it evolves into a game of saying you are getting on with your life whereas in reality you are licking your wounds.

Grass is never greener on the other side. As soon as the sparkle goes from a new relationship and reality sets in then thats when they will wonder what they have done. And by that time you will be a stronger person...

  • ross78
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28 Oct 14 #447811 by ross78
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Thank you Marshy, Vastra1 and NWGuy what you have all said has taken the edge off that sinking feeling, its just hard when I think about it its exactly as you say Marshy "a knife to the guts", I never really understood why people say "im gutted" until now I really do feel like a fish that has been "gutted".
And as for your story Vastral its absolutely spot on to mine she has been planning on going for months but I think she met this fella which gave her enough courage to finally walk away from everything. It''s a very weird feeling because I have loved her unconditionally for 18 years and even tho my heart is ripped apart I want to wish her happiness but I cant lie I hope and cant wait for the green grass to turn a shi**y brown, fingers crossed at least then she can see what she has left and that she is on a one way street, no going back.

Thanks again all for your thoughts I cant believe how much this site helps just to know that someone is thinking of me for a change, its much appreciated

  • polar
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29 Oct 14 #447857 by polar
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Hi. I won''t go into what my x did to me as its well documented in other posts.
Basically the exit plan is set well before the split and they somehow search for a replacement prior to leaving. My x played all sorts of games including bringing business aquaintances home to introduce them (after spending a day on a training course that didn''t exist).
Are you sure that this new relationship wasn''t going on before? i would find it strange that the new guy has been introduced to family so quickly. Its a case of keeping matters secret and drip feeding to friends slowly otherwise people will call her behaviour slutty and ''''its far to soon to start a new relationship''''.
Marshy is right. Its a knife to the gut. Total rejection in favour of another and it kills you.
I know exactly what my x did after she left. Yep convinced the guy that it wasn''t his fault. Then the hid from public gaze for a long time.
What the poor sod didn''t know was that she was still spending time with other guys and going away with them !!! (please replace poor sod with B*@!!!!)
When he dumped her she used whatever she had (sex) to control him and get him back.
Now 7 and a half years later they still don''t live together. Why ? Because she won''t let him.!! He is being lead by the ring through his nose. Maybe not as i checked facebook and it looks as if my x isn''t the only one he sees !!!
I know that my x has hit the muddy brown field. Quite obvious by her behaviour at my daughters wedding when she tried everything to get her hands on me. Ha ha. I had someone else with me !! She wasn''t allowed to bring anyone.
It will take time to get back to ''normal'' . There is a general feeling that it takes one month for every year of marriage.
But one day you will look back and wonder what you ever saw in her !!

  • littlegreen
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29 Oct 14 #447877 by littlegreen
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Hi Ross

Welcome to wiki but really very sorry that you find yourself here. You will find, if you hang around, that wiki is an exceptionally source of support with a wealth of information and just knowing that you are not alone truly helps with the God awful feelings that you are experiencing at the moment.

Some things that are said to you will have a profound affect on you and will stay with you for a long time, if not for always. They will help as you rebuild and recover but it does take time. The process is hard and the only way forward is through it. People on here are testament that you can and will get through it.

Take good care of yourself and if possible go for the no contact rule. It''s hard but it works.

Talking about greener grass. Someone said to me, if someone''s grass looks greener try watering your own. My stbx has done exactly what Marshy describes. He isn''t in my head much anymore and hopefully I will get to the place where I don''t much care what colour his grass is. All I do know, is wherever he goes, there he is and we allowed our grass to die. Of course all my fault and nothing to do with him !!

Take care

LG xXx

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