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Why me ?!!

  • Hadagutsfull
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21 Nov 14 #449832 by Hadagutsfull
Topic started by Hadagutsfull
Hi im new to this site , i have posted on the divorce forum . Iam 43 years old i have 2 beautiful children 19,17 . They are from my previouse marriage. They are my life , my world . Iam married ( unhappily) and gave been for 11 years . I married far too early into our relationship ( hindsight is wonderful!!!) it all started off lovely - started to get cracks after 4 years . My husband has health issues - which he had when i met him - but m not shallow people said to me why are you marrying him ( because of his health ) but he was such a nice bloke , fantastic personality so kind and considerate, that i didnt see his disability.. I knew his physical state would in time be compromised and it didnt worry me - i had too much love for this man that i would cross that bridge when it happened .. However what i didn''t account for was his mood , personality changing!! Omg he is definately not the same bloke .. He has no respect for me or anyone anymore. He is verbally abuse 24/7 i get sweared at constantly , belittled , he doesnt care who hears him or where we are. He has spat at me infront of my child , another example is i got called a f*****g useless c**t because he had to put water in the kettle to make himself a coffee. Id like to leave - but where do you go , i still have to house my children but that becomes difficult coz now they are adults Im a low earner even though i work 42 hours a week plus 2 private cleaning jobs . I feel desperately sorry for my kids who have witnessed all the verbal abuse over the years . Ive been down the council route many years ago i was in a hostel and i just cznt bare the thought of going back there. I feel my life is ticking by and i cant finacially move forward .... Stuck in a rut ..... Is there any hope ???????

  • MrsMathsisfun
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22 Nov 14 #449849 by MrsMathsisfun
Reply from MrsMathsisfun
Your in a difficult situation. Is your husband in pain hence the mood swings?

  • Hadagutsfull
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22 Nov 14 #449865 by Hadagutsfull
Reply from Hadagutsfull
Hi , no hes not in pain - according to himself . I have sat in several consultant meetings and aired my concerns over his behaviour and moods and his personality change :- no one seems to care or worry about the spouces - i have been told to walk away from the situation - go out for a coffee!!! No help at all !!!!!

  • killbill
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23 Nov 14 #449922 by killbill
Reply from killbill
I''m sorry you are in this situation. It''s one thing to be aware of physical changes but personality changes? Well I think most of us here have had those to a lesser degree meaning that the people we thought we''d married turned out to be completely different to what we''d thought.
So it may be a case of really deciding if you can''t live like this any more to really think of what you are going to do to change your situation. Maybe gong to CAB will give you some guidance?
If you are a low earner there may be benefits or some sort of help you can get, or if your children aren''t working they get?
If you feel you will be all moving in together it won''t necessarily mean a hostel, as you say that was years ago.
I think what you have to consider is, can you go on living with someone who shows you no respect at all? Or do you have the strength to try and find help somewhere to all move on?
Maybe too, talk to your husband about how you feel, and tell him that if he keeps treating you this way, you will be leaving, so at least it won''t be a shock to him if you decide to.

  • WinterBaby
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26 Nov 14 #450106 by WinterBaby
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Have you contacted local domestic abuse organisations? The abuse doesn''t have to be physical in order for you to get help.

  • driven40
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26 Nov 14 #450147 by driven40
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Have you spoke to your gp about the mood swings? it could be that he needs a change of medication but anyway they should be made aware of the situation

  • Marshy_
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27 Nov 14 #450180 by Marshy_
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Hadagutsfull wrote:

.... Stuck in a rut ..... Is there any hope ???????

Yes there is. But why me also? Why any of us?

You made choices early on and you married for love. Nothing wrong with that. But was that love tangled up in his illness? Some questions for yourself.

But there is hope. Of course there is. But before you cross the line, you have to give hope a chance. Then when you have exhausted all opportunities to recover your marriage, then you could explore ending it. Ending it of course is a last resort.

Some caveats..

Being spat at and called names is abuse. No question about that. I was also spat at. Its not nice is it? Also in fact, in front of the kids. So I know what this is all about. Illness or not, being spat at has no place at all anywhere in society. Nor is being called useless or a ****. Actually being spat at is considered the same as being punched according to the police.

But as I said above, you need to have exhausted all opportunities to resolve this issue. So this is what I think you should do.

1) Have a chat with him. Proper sit down and you lay your cards on the table. Tell him that he is abusing you and it needs to stop. Tell him what you are going to do if it doesnt stop. That you will divorce him. Be honest. But not aggressive. But also listen to what he has to say. He may be relieved. You dont know.

2) Suggest that you both get some counselling.

If he wants to save his marriage he will agree with you that you both need help to save your marriage. And fight for it. That includes change on his behalf.

I used to think (stupidly) that I drove her to it. That I was the cause of her hitting me. But I subsequently found out that this is not the case. If someone spits at you or strikes you, this is there fault. They own the abuse. Not you. Not me. Not anyone that is abused. I can be infuriating at times. I know that. But that is no excuse. Abuse of any kind has no place in society. Man or women. Ill or well.

If you get rejected at the meeting and its clear he does not want to save the marriage then you can progress to the next stage.

Why do I say all this about trying to save it? Often, when we end something big like a marriage, there is guilt to be had. And this guilt can be all consuming. But if you follow the process to save the marriage and you fail, you know you tried one last time and there will be less guilt and the divorce will be easier.

Ok, divorce is never easy. Understand that. But weigh that against the abuse and you will realise that you have to do something to end it. It cant carry on. And I will state the obvious...

If you look at cases of abuse that have ended in someone getting killed by their abuser, you will see that it started small. Just a slap or an abusive word. Then it progresses to more and more abuse. Until in the end, it ends in someones death. Dont make this you.

Before I carry on. I must say something to you. I am a lucky bugger. I always have been. Not sure if I have someone looking after me.

Some stuff about the abuse I suffered at the hands of my ex.

My ex started small. Just a cross word now and then. Until one day it spilled over into violence. I was shocked. She was shocked. She didnt apologize though (it was my fault and I drove her to it apparently). But it got worse and worse. Until in the end I was regularly assaulted. It became a way of life. A slap. A kick. Some abusive words. But I knew that one day (deep down) that my ex would go to far. And one day she did. She was screaming at me standing and I was sat down eating my tea on a tray. And in her hand was her walking stick. However she was holding it the wrong way. Handle down and at the end. I should have known what was coming but I was trying to ride it out by ignoring her. And I didnt connect that she was holding the stick wrong. And I didnt see her raise it behind her head. Both hands on the stick. Because I was looking down at my tea trying to avoid eye contact.

She hit me with the walking stick. But I was lucky. It hit the ceiling on the way and I saw (or heard) it coming at the last minute and it missed my head by an inch. It clipped my shoulder and hit the tray on my lap (I was moving to the right to get out the way). I am sure that if it had connected properly, I would be dead. And my instincts saved my life that day. And I was lucky one more time. Soon afterwards, she met someone else and that set me on the road out of an abusive marriage.

This incident was not unique however, I was lucky many times. Things were thrown, tipped over me and all the other stuff. Even a knife once. And it spilled over into the kids. One day I was back handed at the airport on the way to going on holiday by the oldest step daughter. She was 15. It was ok to hit dad. He takes it.

My view on all this is that I was lucky. Lucky many many times. But I knew (deep down again) that all I needed was to be unlucky once. That walking stick was probably defected by the ceiling. Sent slight off course. Away from the center of my head. It made a noise and that is what probably alerted me. And it saved my life. If she had griped the stick an inch or two closer to the handle, it would not have hit the ceiling and I would not have heard it coming. So lucky lucky me that day.

Lastly on abuse. Its insidious. Domestic abuse knows no boundaries. Not colour or creed. Nor rich or poor. It accounts for the majority of murders (most perpetrators of murder are known to the victim) and it escalates. It gets worse and worse. So stop it. In its tracks. Either with help or ending it. But dont become another statistic. Do something. Before your luck runs out.


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