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cant pull myself together

  • goldengirl65
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01 Dec 14 #450597 by goldengirl65
Topic started by goldengirl65
Its been nearly 5 months since my husband walked out. Only seen him once when he came to collect his belonging 2 weeks later, he said on that day that leaving me was the best thing he had ever done and not spoke to me since.
15 years gone without a second thought.
I have been put on antidepressants but I still cant stop crying, I can feel myself sinking deeper into depression, I need to find more work, I need to sell my house, there is that much to do and its unbearable.
I have always been a strong woman, coping with a lot of stress, but this has knocked the wind out of my sails and I cant move forward.
Both my sons are leaving home next year and the thought of living alone terrifies me.
My family are trying to be supportive but they think I should be grateful that he went, he didn''t treat me very well, totally taken for-granted.
Any suggestions on how to accept that my marriage is over and move forward would be greatly appreciated, my sons even though all grown up want their mum back.

  • AngieP
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01 Dec 14 #450600 by AngieP
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Goldengirl - really do feel for you.

I was in a similar position to you some months ago - long marriage ending, having to find work and move home. One of best pieces of advice at that time was that you "can''t eat a whole elephant in one sitting" - all seems too much and have to break things down into little pieces. Otherwise the whole thing can just seem impossible. I am nibbling my way through that elephant right now!

Just my opinion but the way to move forward is to really look at yourself, recognise your strengths and be your own best friend. Sounds very selfish and self centred I know, but I think many of us have put others first for a long time and have sometimes lost sight of ourselves. I think you need to do this in order to move forward and hopefully, eventually, your sons will have their mum back - she may not be quite the same as she was - this awful process does change you, but hopefully for the better in the end. You could come out of it even stronger!

  • afonleas
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01 Dec 14 #450601 by afonleas
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So many of us will see a mirror image of ourselves,we were you at some point,so don''t be too hard on yourself.

Like yourself I am a strong woman,thought that I could deal with most things that came my way,but my seperation and subsequent divorce floored me.I can so remember those horrible dark times,when he was constantly on my mind,when I hated him,loved him,hated him again,it was just the roller coaster of divorce.Also 5 months is not so long in time,it is all still raw.
All I can say,although yes a cliche
Time is a great healer,this process takes as long as it takes,everyone is differant,just go gentle on yourself.

Thoughts of living alone?
You actually may enjoy it,nothing like your own peace,and I am sure that you will not keep your boys away much.

I know that we think that we overload our families and friends with our worries,but that is what family and friends are there for..
To share...In good times and bad ...
Those people are there for you xx

We are also here for you,utilise us also,your not alone,maybe a chat with your GP will also benefit,just try not to run before your walking again;)

Massive cwtchs Hun
Afon Xxx

  • polar
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01 Dec 14 #450603 by polar
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Now is the time to start working on yourself. My daughter left home went to uni and I was left by myself.

We do rely on other people to much for our own happiness. I relied on my wife, my daughter and friends to fill my day.

I neglected to see my own strengths.

Imagine you were dumped in a desert. Sand everywhere. No landmarks to follow. Would you just sit there and do nothing ? Nope you would use whatever resources you had to try and get to a good place.

Ok you might take the wrong direction and find yourself back at point one. Try enough times and you will find the right way out of your situation probably making as many stupid mistakes as the rest of us did !! The clue is never give up.

Eventually you find your way out of the desert and can look back and say I did this !!

  • Action
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01 Dec 14 #450604 by Action
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Hi Goldengirl
Sorry to hear how you''re feeling. ADs will only really just take the edge off. My counsellor likened them to being the first step on the ladder out of the dark hole which I found really useful.

My marriage ended suddenly after 31 years and I too suffered badly with depression. It''s been over 4 years now. I did come through it although, looking back, I''m really not sure how I survived.

My advice is to try and turn all of this mess into an opportunity. Think about what YOU want to do, where YOU want to live. Once my financial settlement was sorted (that battle was the most painful part for me) I actually got quite excited about choosing a new home and planning how to fit in my stuff - it really was liberating knowing that I could choose stuff myself without worrying what he thought.

Divorce was the most difficult life experience that I''e endured and no-one understands unless they have lived it. It''s early days for you and things will get better.

  • Marshy_
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01 Dec 14 #450609 by Marshy_
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goldengirl65 wrote:

, he said on that day that leaving me was the best thing he had ever done and not spoke to me since.
15 years gone without a second thought.

Those are just words. Sounds made by moving some bones and muscles with some hot air. You will learn this about words. They are just sounds made by someone that doesn''t know what he was talking about.

Ok so what is more important than words is actions. Actions always betray us. So he stayed 15 years and then said leaving was the best. So in those 15 years he didnt enjoy one day? Words and actions again. Betrayed.

Thing is. He enjoyed your cooking and all the rest right? Did he look glum all the time? Sorry but he is deceiving you. And himself most likely.

But there are a number of types of people out there. Those that deserve us and those that dont. Guess what cat he falls into? Yep w*nker category. Your better off without him and you will do much better on yr own. Marshy.

  • goldengirl65
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01 Dec 14 #450615 by goldengirl65
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Thanks for all your positive replies. It makes a rotten day feel better knowing there are people who understand.
Marshy I will try my best to stop dwelling on the words.
Time to tackle this one step at a time.

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