cant pull myself together

hallo Goldengirl

You will get there, it just takes time. It would be wonderful if we could fast-forward through the crud but we can''t.

I too cried every day for months when my ex left, took anti-depressants, had counselling, my friends, family and all the wonderful Wikipeeps on this site. But it still took a long time for me to feel "OK" and even longer to feel great.

My ex said a lot of bonkers things, like "Your Mum would be fine with meeting my new girlfriend" (!!!) and "I thought of inviting you out with us both" (!!!!) etc. I realise now he is totally deluded and just wants everything to be the same except that he is with someone else.

I rediscovered myself and found I like my own company.

Don''t dwell too much on the past or worrying about the future - things rarely turn out the way we think. Focus on getting through the day, plan to always have something to look forward to, however small, it could just be a cuppa in front of a favourite dvd.

Eventually you''ll find you are looking forward with more enthusiasm.

In the meantime come and share how you feel on here, you are among people who are going through it or have got through to the other side.

Inevitably divorce brings huge changes to your life and no matter how strong a person you are, it’s very challenging and the emotional shock can be debilitating. Give yourself time to recoup your strength and you will be that strong capable woman once more.

Right now your thoughts and fears are buzzing round your head creating a range of emotions—anger, disbelief, humiliation, depression and fear and that is exhausting. It leaves you feeling drained of energy, unable to find the strength to do even simple routine stuff. We know, we''ve been there.

You speak of loneliness and yes, it is a very real fear when, after years of caring for a family and running a family home, you find yourself alone when children fly the nest. When your husband calls time on your marriage too it''s a double whammy.

I''m sure you want your children to be successful and independent, but you''re already worrying about the empty nest and I can appreciate how that feels, but you do have a little time to plan for it. They’ll possibly appreciate home more when they''re living away!

The two roles you’ve had for years as a wife and a mother are suddenly redundant. We receive validation of who we are when we’re good old Mum and a wife, and that huge change takes time to get used to.

We all need things to look forward to. Great if you have funds, but how many of us have that luxury? So we have to be practical and plan small treats like meeting friends, a weekend away perhaps or a course where you learn something new.

The crucial thing now is that wikis will be here to support you. You are no longer truly alone. xx

The learning to live for now and being your own best friend are the two hardest things to learn but are part of the key.

I now buy things (if I can afford them) that I would have liked to have had bought for me (and they never were). They don''t have to be expensive - flowers, nice cakes, a cappacino. Learn to treat yourself.

It takes a long long time. I used to feel I was a failure because I wasn''t ''getting better''. Give yourself a break - it takes longer that you think (well for some of us.)

I always recommend ''Runaway Husbands'' by Vikki Stark. Many of us have read it and thought - wow was someone watching my marriage? How does she know. And that all adds to Marshy''s thoughts - actions speak louder than words - the words meant nothing - but if the leavers hurt and belittle us they can justify their actions - how very comfortable for them.

I wish I could take your pain away - I got so cross that people ''would not'' take my pain away or understand. Wikipeeps can at least do the latter. Take very good care of yourself.

Hallo golden girl, I love your name by the way - it is full of light and perhaps shows a tiny sign of hope in you. I don''t know if I even have the language to describe the last two years for me but it seems to me that we can adapt to anything eventually. Some form of survival mode will kick in for you, you will find a way to steer yourself through these murky waters. They are murky as lots of crap gets stirred up. The no contact rule allows the crap to settle and makes navigation easier. Listen to your instincts at every step, if something feels bad or wrong for you don''t do it. You may need to try different things just to help you get through it. I had a long phase of doing different things and it felt very faddish but I realize now that each ''interest'' was another step in the right direction. In my head I turned divorce into a kind of project and as project manager I had to manage all the different elements as best I could - the depression, the legal process, the children, finance, the home, work plus new work and so on. Wikivorce has been a shining light on those dark days of despair so keep posting and blogging - it''s very therapeutic.

you sound so much like me in the early days, do this, do that, but its unachievable at the moment.
I went on anti depressants aswell, so your not alone.
just to echo the other wikkis, one day at a time, a little bit here and there, or a sod off, its my day xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Thanks for the kind advice. I have bought runaway husbands, as thats exactly what he has done, 3 times, the first time went to work and never came back, the second showed me his new flat then moved without telling me, and this time left when I was in work, so cowardly and hurtful.
My mum left my dad when I was little, leaving me and my sister behind, so I do have abandonment issues which he was well aware off, and used to his full advantage.
I have taken your advice on board and treated myself to a few girly things for my room, going to change something in every room so it gives me something to focus on.
This site truly is a blessing x

Good that things are looking a little brighter for you today goldengirl. For me, one of the things about this horrible time has been really trying to enjoy any little moments of positivity and knowing that when the bad times come they too will eventually pass - masterclass in riding that rollercoaster and dealing with emotions!