how to cope after seperation with children

well new year has arrived.
lets hope this one is better than the last.

only 12 weeks since stbx has walked out and what a nightmare he has been.

finding my 2 youngest children really hard to cope with.
even though he has left and his behaviour is appalling towards them they think he is fantastic.
when they come back home to me they either ignore me or try to pick arguements and are rude and cheeky.
i miss them so much while they are away from me but feel i am walking on eggshells around them all the time.

someone mentioned parental alienanation syndrome and having looked it up i am really scared thats what is going on.

if i tell them off at any time they throw a strop and phone their dad and he comes to pick them up.they also make all the visiting plans with him without letting me know and just say dad is picking us up .

i am at a loss as to what way to behave around them anymore as they treat me like a doormat and i am too scared to get any authority back in my house.

please could anyone tell me if this has happened to them and what i should do.

i am heartbrokern as we had such a good relationship before and now they seem to blame me for everything even though i wasnt the one who walked out and left them.they are 11 and 13 and i can see my life being hell if i dont sort this out soon.

Its extremely unlikely that after a 10 week separation your children are suffering from parential alienation.

This is more likely to be about parenting styles and boundaries. If you have become afraid to parent the children as you have in past as you fear losing them too, (They might also fear losing you) they will be feeling insecure and reacting.

Dont be afraid to parent your children. Set boundaries. Stop letting them use dad when they behave badly. Dad will soon get bored at being at their beck and call.

I agree with maths here its about the boundaries.
When you separate children need a good routine and you need to sort out when the children see dad not a as and when procedure.
You need to discuss with dad how you will both parent from now...

Are the children going to be with their dad 50 per cent of the time?
Are you going to do the alt wkends and one overnight during the week with half the school holidays.

It''s what works for you all in terms of working patterns etc.

Most of all I really feel you have to address that when you tell them off they call the dad and he picks them up...

I agree, it is normal adolescent behaviour to try to split parents and play them off against one another, probably exacerbated by feeling unsettled by what''s happening, and possibly encouraged by dad who wants to be Good Cop.
But at their age you need very clear rules about when they are with you, and that it is not OK for Dad to come and "rescue" them if they don''t like what mum is doing or saying.
I wonder if you can find and email some info about parenting after separation for your husband, with a polite and constructive proposal about working together to create that structure in their life at the moment, with contact going through you first. Perhaps there is something here on wikivorce.
I remember feeling really angry with how my ex just walked out and then popped in for the occasional cameo appearance with 5 minutes notice, followed by an angry demand for gratitude when he brought them back after an hour. My boys (slightly younger) were very angry with each other and me, yet have never expressed any of that to their dad, who was the cause of it all. Kids tend to lash out with people who they trust can take it.
Soon I worked out a plan for them to see him alternate weekends, plus extra if he gave me notice (he almost never does that). Explain to your kids that you understand it''s a really difficult time for you all, but you are in charge. Good luck x

thanks so much for the replies.

as i put in another post dads behaviour is way out of line.he locked the children in his house last week and i had to call the police as he refused to let them come shopping with their friends

he has told myself and the children that he is entitled to pick them up as and when he wishes as they are his kids.

if i try to make any arrangements he disregards them so the children think they can do as they wish.

my youngest even told me the police officer had told him if i told him off it wasnt illegal for him to go to his dad.think that was his dads words:angry: not sure how to deal with this situation

i m trying to be a good parent and set boundaries and it breaks my heart to see my kids hurting but we cannot go on like this.
i am afraid that they will leave and want to live with him.
it feels like they have no respect for me anymore:unsure:

think i will have to go to a soliciter to make some kind of visiting arrangement but if their dad doesnt adhere to it not sure what next to do

Maybe you could try mediation with all the family possibly relate or someone this may help to defuse the situation of it being one parent against another and the children playing you off each other at least it would be someone neutral who knows how these things work

have tried to suggest that and he has refused.

have had a pile of abusive texts again today as i dared to ask what time he is collecting them tomorrow even though he didnt even tell me he was having them again.

not sure what he is playing at