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how to cope after seperation with children

  • driven40
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01 Jan 15 #452605 by driven40
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Keep the texts
Maybe if you contact a mediation centre and they contact him he may be more open to the idea sometimes it works if the invitation is from a third party. Does he have a solicitor? If so maybe writing to them to suggest the mediation keeping it all child centred and for the welfare of the children etc?? It''s worth a try
Just keep the boundaries in place at home and bite your lip no matter what

Forgot to add keep a diary of everything that happens it helps to write it down but then you do have a log and dates of things that have happened just don''t write it in front of the kids and don''t let him or them know about it

  • mumof 3
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01 Jan 15 #452606 by mumof 3
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what a great idea.

i have kept all the texts that he has sent and also the abusive texts he sent to my friend.

a diary would be great as i am starting to lose track as there is so much going on at the moment.
this would also make it easier if i go to a solicitor.

sorry he refuses to get a solicitor or a mediator

  • blondecazza
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01 Jan 15 #452607 by blondecazza
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It might be worthwhile you getting your solicitor to write to him out lining when you think he should have contact with the children so a routine is put in place it could be as I said alt weekends and one mid week contact night times to be collected and dropped back.
It seems he doesn''t want to communicate with you but he might well listen to your solicitor.
I had something similar when I first left my ex and our son was 12...my ex thought it was acceptable to make a holiday date direct with our son and told him to pack a suitcase 3 weeks before.
My solicitor wrote to him stating this is unacceptable to use the child as a go between and firm times were put in place.He didn''t do it again.

  • mumof 3
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01 Jan 15 #452608 by mumof 3
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been there done that re the holiday booked a holiday for the 3 kids without telling me and then took their phones off them so i could only speak to them on his phone:angry:

think i will have no choice than to speak to a solicitor on monday when they are open.
if he goes beserk so be it.think he has a problem with authority if i am honest.
thanks again everyone for all your advice.

  • Vastra1
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02 Jan 15 #452632 by Vastra1
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I feel for you mumof3, the shock of this all must be horrendous, plus you''ve got the stress of an abusive and uncooperative ex. Sad thing is they can''t see that it''s not helpful for their kids, I guess it''s more about control for them.
Even my relatively cooperative (but still occasionally abusive) ex still interferes with contact on the rare occasions they stay there. They are with him for holidays now and he doesn''t pass on the occasional text messages I send to them via his phone - such as my Happy New year message and picture, which was petty. In future I will ensure they have phones with them to bypass him.
The diary and records of texts and emails sounds like a good idea. Make sure you keep yours very professional and polite no matter how upset you are (which is easier said than done).

  • mumof 3
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02 Jan 15 #452634 by mumof 3
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thanks for that.

i have been very measured in my texts and in fact get my best friend to check them before i send anything.

i dont understand why he is acting like this and why he seems to want to cause all this stress and worry.

he keeps saying that this has no effect on the children but he is so wrong.

his parents went through a bitter divorce so surely he would want different for his own children.

i will just have to keep going for their sakes and hope things settle down before too much damage has been inflicted on the kids.
thanks again to everyone for taking the time to give your advice.it has given me a huge boost.xx

  • Shezi
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02 Jan 15 #452647 by Shezi
Reply from Shezi
Hi mumof 3,

As I was reading through this thread, it reminded me of the dread of those days, the fears of losing the children.

It occurs to me that you are in great danger here of being held to ransom. Let me explain, the children are just being kids - dad is being whatever he is being. You are being governed by a fear of looking like the bad guy, the children going to live with dad, not respecting mum. Does this sound familiar? This will get much, much worse if you don''t make a stand now. I lived in fear of losing my kids after a hostile divorce and years of hostility afterwards. When my daughter was 15, she did the thing I''d feared the most - she went to live 300 miles away with dad and new wife. I was devastated. But we all learned a lot from it:

1. I didn''t die
2. The grass isn''t always greener (she lasted 4
months then came home)
3. I wasn''t in control of what was going to happen

You simply cannot live in this way - treading on eggshells around children breeds the monster within... trust me on this.

What do I think you should do? I think you should be the parent you believe in and organise routines and structure as you see fit. Try to be as flexible as you can but hold your values up for them to see. You won''t achieve stability and harmony overnight and it might take a couple of years but being a parent is important so it''s worth sticking this out.

Don''t live in fear of reprisals and consequences - this is the road to destruction. Just let him and them see that you are being fair and gracious and leave them all to get on with it. Cry it out to your best friend when needed but keep an ''I''m coping thank you and everything will be normal'' face on in front of the children and ex. A smile goes a very long way (no matter how gritted the teeth are behind it)!


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