arghhhh

I have been separated 4.5 years and then my husband who has someone else, asked for divorce. I am single. Been married for 25 years. My ''old'' dad fell out with me when I said I was going to claim half pension and so did my sister. They are well off and don''t understand. My mum had to work past retirement as she did not have anything when she retired.

I don''t know whether it is because it is January, but I am so unhappy. I feel like an outcast to my family, even though my adult kids understand. I am crying loads and feel a failure. I even am thinking strongly when down that I don''t want a divorce and I want the nightmare to go away and wishing I was still with him

My boss at work is a bully and I literally can''t cope. Taken today off to try sort out my head and apply for new jobs.

I feel so alone. Is this normal? The divorce has not really got going yet as my husband is not responding to my solicitor.

Thank you

Hello Lolitajade, Welcome to Wikivorce, I''m sorry you have a need to be here.Wikivorce is the community no-one wants to join, but is very glad they did. We are a supportive community, and freely offer advice, information, support and help.

I''m sorry that you are experiencing this very difficult situation.Family break-up, separation and divorce are incredibly stressful times in our lives, and have an enormous emotional impact on us, and your reaction is to be expected given what you are going through.


I would suggest that make an appointment with your GP and let him/her know how you are feeling and what your domestic situation is; they will be able to signpost you to local organisations/support groups and make recommendations for any medical treatment they think is appropriate.

I would suggest that you spend your day not job-hunting (which is stressful in itself) but being kind to yourself - do something you enjoy and benefit from the self-care and break from work.

Thank you.

You are right, I was going to put off the change of job pending going through a divorce but felt I couldn''t cope with her anymore, so decided to after all.

I just have to think of the positives in my life and think she is only bullying because she is not happy with hers. Sure she has bipolar.

I am sure I need help from the doctors. I will book an appointment.

I even feel the need to talk to my husband to explain the whole situation. A lot has not been said. I grieve over not being able to speak or see him after so long with him. I have lost my best friend and all I wanted to do was stay amicable. When he met his girlfriend, he didn''t want to know me at all.

I think I am in grief.

Hi lolitajade

I can understand how it can all seem too much at times. I wondered myself if the "January effect" makes things seem so much worse.

Is there anything you could do with your work situation. Would it be possible to speak to your boss and record how you are feeling?

Not sure of your circumstances but you should not feel bad about securing your financial future by getting a fair settlement.

Have also changed job whilst going through divorce but that was because I had no option. Maybe better to take your time if you can and then not so much change all at once? Hope things begin to look a little brighter for you soon.

Thank you,

Yes sure if it was Summer, I would not feel half as bad. I am glad someone else thinks that way.

I will speak to her to put across some of how I feel, as obviously, I don''t want it to come across as my personal life is affecting my work. She is not understanding.

I think I will apply only for internal jobs, just so I feel I am doing something with my issue at work. Must be awful being forced into it.

I am also a member at a gym but lapsed due to the dark and cold. Think I will force myself.

Keep busy, socialise and do things I enjoy.

I hate being like this and need to fight of any slippery slope further into depression.

Those up and down days are haunting me at the moment.

My husband has thrown himself into another family with young kids. He does not like other peoples kids and his are adult. He has treated my son dreadfully. I have felt guilty for that, even though is was not me, as I think if we were together, he would not be like that. My friend experiences guilt too, as she is currently divorcing.

I feel bad about the pension thing as my family make me feel like an outcast over it. I still know I am doing the right thing though.

Do you feel amazing after it''s all over? or ten times worse?

You are doing the right thing. After a long marriage you need to think about your own future needs.

I know what you mean about that slippery slope. Can see how easy it would be just to "fall over the edge". As many on here will tell you it is a masterclass in learning how to manage your emotions and take comfort in the fact that when things seem particularly bad, you know, from experience that the intensity will not last for ever.

I think there is always a lot of guilt surrounding divorce, but again, as many will tell you you need to protect your own feelings before you can cope with those of others.

Don''t know what it feel likes when it''s all over - would imagine it is a combination of regret and relief.

Best Wishes

lolitajade wrote:

I feel so alone. Is this normal?

It is but you''re not. You have 1000''s of friends here and we understand. So your not actually alone at all.

I love January for instance. Jan has always been about change for me. Perhaps you need to look at things differently. This January could be the month where you wake up and start fighting them.

It doesnt matter what anyone thinks. It only matters what you think and you have to go get what you need from this 25 year adventure that you invested in. A pension share is the minimum I think. Add in all that you did in this space and you will realise you are owed big time and a pension is what you are owed. Not like you are asking for a penthouse in the Bahama''s. So feck what they say or think. Your damned if you do and damned if you dont anyway. May as well do the right thing by yourself.

As for your boss, he may be a bully but you can stand your ground and what can he do? He cant actually sack you for standing up for yourself. The real problem here is if you get another job you may meet a worse bully. So stay where you are. Stand up to him. Bullies are often cowards and they only pick on those that they perceive as weak. So show him what you made off. Your a woman. Nothing worse than a woman scorned. Like grabbing a crocodile by the tale. And dollars to doughnuts he will back off and pick on someone else. Marshy.