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Time Frame to Healing

  • Declan
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07 Feb 15 #455613 by Declan
Topic started by Declan
I have heard or read that it can take a year for every five years that one was married to fully recover from divorce.
I was married 29 yr so by that reckoning I have three years left to go

Got my Absolute and Consent Order sorted . Still feel stuck .

Anyone any thoughts on that figure ?


  • maccy2
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07 Feb 15 #455616 by maccy2
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I think the recovery comes and goes. You feel that you have recovered and forged a new life and then it hits you all over again! I was with my ex for nearly 30 years.We split 4 and a half years ago. I had a really traumatic nightmare last night that was us splitting up all over again. This morning I feel that I am going through it and feeling a bit pathetic really.

I don''t think you can predict how long it will take. Some people are able to pick up and move on reasonably quickly whereas others continue to find it really hard.

The other thing I am thinking this morning is that it doesn''t always matter how well things are going now, separating/divorcing tears you apart because everything you once thought to be true is not.

Good luck Declan - it''s tough but we will make the most of life!

  • AngieP
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07 Feb 15 #455619 by AngieP
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Hi Declan

Personally can''t see how such a formula would apply - think Afon has it right when she says it "takes as long as it takes". Everyone has different circumstances which have lead them to divorce and some people seem to "move on" quicker than others. Think that many of us are not going to come out of this as the same people - we are forced to change as do our financial situations etc. Just my opinion but can''t think of it as recovery in terms of being as we were
before but rather as a series of adjustments (some very painful) and change and learning which will hopefully lead us to a new place of contentment.

Best Wishes

  • Shoegirl
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07 Feb 15 #455627 by Shoegirl
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I''ve seen people in very long marriages where both parties have moved on to other people very quickly.

Equally, I''ve seen others in short marriages who have struggled and have taken longer to adjust, come to terms with matters and move on. I hate the term move on actually. It''s garbage and it doesn''t work like that. I see plenty of people who are in denial and get into a dysfunctional partnership with someone else and claim to have moved on.

This isn''t about time, it''s about work and discipline to understand what happened, come to terms with it, learn the lessons and be able to move forward without the past being in the present. I prefer that description as I don''t want to move on from the lessons I have learned. They made me a better person. The whole purpose of my marriage was the lessons I learned from it.

Sure it takes time to come to terms with the fact life hasn''t worked out the way we wanted it to and learn the lessons but I found these theories of a standard formula of time for everyone completely outside of most of the experiences here and that I have seen.

  • beatle
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07 Feb 15 #455628 by beatle
Reply from beatle
I think Shoegirl and others are right, it varies. I also think Shoegirl is right about the work that has to be done. I am not a person who generally thinks a lot of counselling etc,I am a bit old fashioned, stiff upper lip etc. But my GP persuaded me into seeing a CBT/CAT therapist and it really is helping, although it is not comfortable or easy to do. I can see how much it is helping me understand and that is helping me move forward as Shoegirl says.As Angie says, I will not be the same person and some of that is a good thing.
Declan, I think part of being stuck is also being in the same house. I am hoping when I move (April hopefully) that I will find it easier to be in my own house without all the memories etc. I hope your house sale is moving forward.x

  • Joslo
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07 Feb 15 #455629 by Joslo
Reply from Joslo
I think you will find the formula is actually 1 month for every year you were together. It is an exact science and applies to everyone. No seriously I could never sustain a marriage for that long so I have idea - but I think the more pain they have caused you the less time it will take....to fully recover

  • AngieP
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07 Feb 15 #455630 by AngieP
Reply from AngieP
Ha Joslo :)

Different way of looking at it. Think with that theory a lot of us shouldn''t even be on this site anymore then :)

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